Published September 7, 2008
When continents crack beneath your feet,
and the rivers between them rise coldly,
soaking and clawing it’s way up to your heart,
threatening to drown you, freeze your very blood.
No, don’t worry.
When the ball room stops at stares as you enter,
a caldron of laughter following you as you leave.
Or when worries at night come to haunt you,
chasing you like masked horseman into day.
No, don’t worry.
Try to walk on, hope and hold your head high.
Strain your eyes through the troubled mist,
wipe the childish tears and runny nose,
swallow the lump in your throat, quell the inner storm.
No, don’t worry.
You listen well, you always have.
But you slip into your human spirit, and look,
you’re sinking now, all faith has deserted you.
A voice rings out to distant horizons of your soul,
‘No! Don’t worry!’
But stop- don’t let your anger win this time.
I tell you dear one, I’ll never leave you in empty places.
That if you see above your human faith in bad,
and know my higher faith, my stronger will in good
That when you did not look down,
that when you did not worry, child--
You were walking on water.
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141,303 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Yay, Eimear! You're back in the business!
I partly agree with Cade here. I also wasn't so enthusiastic about the repetition. Then again, it kept the stanzas together.
Place a comma between you and dear.
I like the hope that can be felt in the poem. This wasn't perhaps the best I've read by you, but it's certainly not bad, either. I just always feel so stupid reviewing your poems. I don't know why.
Demeter xxx
I swear, Eimear, every time I see a poem by you I go, "I should critique that" and then never do. Well. I'm actually going to this time.
Here's an example. Phrases like "hold your head high", "tears and runny nose," "lump in your throat", "inner storm"...they're all borrowed. They don't mean anything because they're a list of cliches meaning the exact same thing. They carry no interesting meaning for a reader. Come up with a more visual way to say this.I'm not a huge fan of the repetition. I think it makes the poem too sing-songy, almost too generic and formulated.
The inspirational quality of it also puts me off a little. That's not to say that inspirational poems or poems with religious undertones are always bad, but I think you could do better. Subtlety is key. I would almost recommend NOT writing this in the second person, but that kind of...takes away the whole poem. But certainly taking out elements of the poem would help. Some parts are uber-cliche or they just use hackneyed phrases that stick out like a sore thumb (oh, yes, I am funny) with images that are original and beautiful.
-Colleen
Wow. Honestly, this poem took my breath away. Give me a sec to catch it and I'll see if I can tell you why.
The imagery: gorgeous. I felt everything you were saying.
"the rivers between them rise coldly,
soaking and clawing it’s way up to your heart,
threatening to drown you, freeze your very blood."
The inspiration: I felt like i could relate to this poem. The failing human, the need for hope, faith, and love.
"You listen well, you always have.
But you slip into your human spirit, and look,
you’re sinking now, all faith has deserted you.
A voice rings out to distant horizons of your soul,
‘No! Don’t worry!"
The allusion: I had this sudden picture of Simon Peter walking on water towards Christ, then sinking as his faith failed him. It adds so much power!
"That when you did not look down,
that when you did not worry, child--
You were walking on water."
Now, a few nit-picks:
"...soaking and clawing its way up to your heart."
"When the ball room stops and stares as you enter," (?)
The second stanza seemed to have a few too many you's. That's just a pet peeve of mine, though.
"chasing you like a masked horseman into day."
But seriously! This was amazing! A gold star for you!