Young Writers Society

Yay, Eimear! You're back in the business!

I partly agree with Cade here. I also wasn't so enthusiastic about the repetition. Then again, it kept the stanzas together.

I tell you dear one

I swear, Eimear, every time I see a poem by you I go, "I should critique that" and then never do. Well. I'm actually going to this time.

I'm not a huge fan of the repetition. I think it makes the poem too sing-songy, almost too generic and formulated.

The inspirational quality of it also puts me off a little. That's not to say that inspirational poems or poems with religious undertones are always bad, but I think you could do better. Subtlety is key. I would almost recommend NOT writing this in the second person, but that kind of...takes away the whole poem. But certainly taking out elements of the poem would help. Some parts are uber-cliche or they just use hackneyed phrases that stick out like a sore thumb (oh, yes, I am funny) with images that are original and beautiful.

Try to walk on, hope and hold your head high.
Strain your eyes through the troubled mist,
wipe the childish tears and runny nose,
swallow the lump in your throat, quell the inner storm.
No, don’t worry.

Wow. Honestly, this poem took my breath away. Give me a sec to catch it and I'll see if I can tell you why.

The imagery: gorgeous. I felt everything you were saying.
"the rivers between them rise coldly,
soaking and clawing it’s way up to your heart,
threatening to drown you, freeze your very blood."

The inspiration: I felt like i could relate to this poem. The failing human, the need for hope, faith, and love.
"You listen well, you always have.
But you slip into your human spirit, and look,
you’re sinking now, all faith has deserted you.
A voice rings out to distant horizons of your soul,
‘No! Don’t worry!"

The allusion: I had this sudden picture of Simon Peter walking on water towards Christ, then sinking as his faith failed him. It adds so much power!
"That when you did not look down,
that when you did not worry, child--

You were walking on water."


Now, a few nit-picks:

"...soaking and clawing its way up to your heart."

"When the ball room stops and stares as you enter," (?)

The second stanza seemed to have a few too many you's. That's just a pet peeve of mine, though.

"chasing you like a masked horseman into day."

But seriously! This was amazing! A gold star for you!