This is my very first post in this forum and if it's not too much to ask... please be nice?
About this piece, I actually wrote it about two years ago and I'm really proud of how it came out considering I wrote this when I was a freshman in high school and dealing with English as my second language... So, tell me what you think (:
My Window
I like windows; they always have a story to tell. My neighborhood in this case, has entrusted me with many stories; the ones from the many sunsets I’ve seen, the late night wanderers, and the crying women. I live on the edge of a busy avenue. Every day I see cars passing in a rush, its owners minding the traffic. I see people through the quiet strips between the blinds, too worried about their destination, but not about their journey. No one understands this, but me. The world ages, and my eyes do too. My window tells a much different story than from the very first time I leaned in to see.
On the other edge of the street there used to be a green meadow. Now it’s dead and brown; dead earth to be turned into an adjacent street. Each day, the sun is taunted by the rising buildings that one by one steal my window. Life changes into something contorted. I see passing kids, coming back from school’s afternoon shift. Laughing and joking, blindfolded of truths placed beyond their eyes, beyond a fence they do not dare to jump over.
My neighborhood has as well changed, it became silent and tranquil. The playing children aren’t children anymore; we have taken different ways. In the night’s muted sound I sometimes hear a confused drunk who certainly believes he is gifted with singing abilities, or a crying woman who had no other option that finding protection in the midst of darkness. I wonder how come I’ve never noticed these things before, why is that all of a sudden I found out. Why life has changed bitterly. Why do people quickly go by the side walk, or why cars rush noisily, why buildings grow taller and taller, why must all change? And while I look out to my window suffering someone else’s blindness, I realize life’s just life and I’m just an observer, an observer with her window.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi Eigee!
Well, this sentence is a little bland. In the next line you explain the street, maybe you could spice up this sentence or skip it completely and just describe the street with images.This is a really good piece. Very good for a first attempt.
So, here are a few suggestions to help you along.
This probably describes kids from your generation, but what about the other kids? I mean, there is a reference to kids in the previous paragraph.
Well, that's about it. I hope this helps. You should try your hand at longer pieces.
Cheers,
~Lava
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
Were you trying to say 'other side'?
'that' doesn't sound right here, perhaps 'than' would have been a better choice?
Okay, I liked the way you kinda switched between the times and give a change to the past and present. I read your other piece, that you're good at one word stories. Maybe you should consider writing a longer one next time? Just a suggestion.
Good luck and keep writing!