So this is Life--
Waking up in the morning
Plodding along meaninglessly
Infatuated with a woman.
No, this is Heaven!
Soaring on unseen wings
High above it all
With love as my fuel.
Nay, 'tis Death--
Plummetting to the ground
A dagger in my back
Thrust into my heart by the woman
Sworn to guard it.
So...this is Hell.
No flames, no demons
Just silence.
And solitude.
Alone in an endless darkness.
And then--
A spark lights the way.
So this is Life.
I've caught the eyes of another
Just as she's had mine since we met.
I caught her looking at me today--
It begins anew.
Is this Heaven?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i think you can love someone and fall out of love. love can't always last forever, but that doesn't make it any less real. that doesn't mean you lose all your feelings for them or that you never loved them. it means you change.
i like the force of the emotions in this, but it's not the style of poetry i like and it's a little cliche. but it's hard to critique something like this, with so much emotion in it. it just is what it is.
It was a very lovely, yet depressing poem. I can understand it to the most part (except the woman is a boy to me). Yeah, feel better soon Hunter OK?
Love is never logical, my friend. And there is no such thing as "falling out of love" if you do that, you never loved the person in the first place. That's my take on love.
I didn't thought it was childish. I mean maybe love is just different for everyone. Maybe love is falling in love, heart being broken, falling in love again, being happy and sad.... It's kind of logical too, don't you think? I mean love and being in love are only happy feelings when you don't get rejected. The more you love someone, the more it hurts if they don't love you in the same way, but it doesn't make you less in love with that person. That's why you can feel happy, sad and then happy again.
(But what do I know about love? I only know being in love. When do you know it's love and not just being in love?)
Well, dono, that was the biggest piece of crap ever and you're stupid and you dont no how 2 speel.
Actually, I kinda liked this poem. The repetition works for me. The sparks stanza seems to not quite fit, but then it sorta does. Overall, I do think it's a bit cliche, but I never liked poetry that much anyway, so...
*laughs*
Soyala--you have no clue...so don't preach.
Furthermore, I KNOW how to edit a post--I'm a mod for God's sake. I didn't want to edit my original post and THEN make a post saying "oh I fixed it!" Thank you.
Were there any actual suggestions in there? If there were I found none.
EDIT: I didn't just run down your throat becuase you said you didn't like it by the way--I couldn't care less--I don't even like my poetry, so you can kill it all you like--I'm just mad at how carelessly you say things.
I'm not sure I like it. I mean, just earlier I made a post with my own type of love poems and...this just seems childish to me. You were infatuated, then in love, then hurt, then in love again. No real transition, no real passion, just the old cliche of wanting, flying, dieing, and being reborn. Where's the FIRE?! Life is meaningless without this woman, good, but then you have her and...'oh! I'm happy! tee hee ^_^'...I don't see it. This is a high school three day fling at best. Frankly, I feel like it demeans true love, makes 'I' seem like a callous fool, and like you can just get over love with a snap of the fingers. Well written, nice turn of phrases, but over all...eh. Doesn't do a thing for me.
oh, and you know you can just put a post up saying "I fixed things" and just edit the original, right? That way you don't have the same piece posted eight times in a row. Just mentioning!
All right, so hyphens're not workin--got it. Ellipses gone....got it. Shakespeare....gone. Anything else friends?
So this is Life
Waking up in the morning
Plodding along meaninglessly
Infatuated with a woman.
No, this is Heaven!
Soaring on unseen wings
High above it all
With love as my fuel.
No. This is Death
Plummetting to the ground
A dagger in my back
Driven into my heart by the woman
Sworn to guard it.
So this is Hell.
No flames, no demons
Just silence.
And solitude.
Alone in an endless darkness.
And then
A spark lights the way.
So this is Life.
I've caught the eyes of another
Just as she's had mine since we met.
I caught her looking at me today
It begins anew.
Is this Heaven?
I really liked this, Hunter. Really, well done.
I liked how extreme this was, too It's very interesting. I had no idea guys think of girls as their entire world...the descriptions were pretty cool.
mmm...I liked the idea, the whole portraying life as two extremes. I'm not much a fan of the hyphens, but that seems to be your style.
It just didn't seem to have been implemented as well as it could be, It seems to swtich styles - take, for example, the first stanza, which seems to be quite an informal tone, but by the third stanza it seems to try and be some sort of shakespearen effort - "Nay" and things like that. If this is intentional to seperate heaven/hell, I don't really like it, but that's my opinion. I think this poem would be more dramatic and profound if it was done in one voice, because otherwise the two ideas are less comparable.
And the first line of the fourth stanza, "So...this is Hell."...Lose the ellipsis. No need for it. Seeing as you don't use it fro "So this if life" later on, you should try and keep a strong repition thing going on.
But yeh, overall it was quite good, but not my favourite style.
Nice. I like it.