To the weak it's the End.
Are you breathing?
Then it's not over yet.
You're still alive
It may hurt like a bitch
But you're still breathing right?
You're not dead
It's not over
You're not beaten
'Cause you're still breathing
Unless you give up and give in
To the pain
To the weak it's the End.
Are you?
Am I?
Can I take it?
Am I breathing?
Then I can make it all right.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,932 Literary Works • 672,401 Reviews
Love the powerful deeper meaning. Like Bobo said, optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. Slightly morbid but very uplifting. Great job, Hunter.
um...creepy? But yeah, if you want to, go for it!
Thanks for the kind words, guys.
*breathes*
I love every word of it. Every single word. Good words to live by, very encouraging. Great job.
Like I said, can so totally relate to that right now.
I may pin it on my wall..... Along with all your other work..... And that tissue you dropped at Mcdonals the other day..... Next to my shrine of pictures of you with red candles and voodoo doll................ *cough* I'm not a stalker I swear *cough*
Seriously though, do you mind if I pin it to my wall?
Well it made me feel good to have hints as to the meaning of this.
Sorry I wasn't in my mood earlier where I read and write and laugh and cry.
Now that I know what it's about I can somehow relate to the feeling.
I loved all those questions in the very last stanza.
And I really liked this poem.
Good job Hunter. Good Job.
Ok, the visual I got from this may be totally nuts, and I know it isn't what you were writing about, but... I pictured like two soldiers and one is shot really bad and the other is saying, "hey you're still breathing, you're still living. You'll be ok buddy." Then I read it a second time and saw only one soldier and this is his mantra. "Just breathe" I know that the pain you are writing about is emotiona;, not physical, but that is the crazy image that popped into my head. I like how this does read like someone trying to convince someone or themself that it is going to be ok. That there is still hope. The last line especially so. Most of the poem is asking questions. Here is an answer. It has a tidy end. I like it.
I like it. I wouldn't say it's your best, but definitely good. You have a way of being optimistic and pessimistic at the same time...
Your best yet
tsk, tsk. language (nope, not a fan of cursing in poetry, but that's me).
transition between "You're not beaten
'Cause you're still breathing "
ok. one, I like "breathhin'" but thats mean, and then it rhymes, but I rhythm wise..
in that samem stanza, third line.. not sure I like it, makes the stanza sound to wordy.. few as you have. (also I'm rufusing to comment on theme, hust purely opinion stuff) ok, fine, ingore that part as you said you don't want technical stuff (erm.. ok, now you do).
oh.. title and lines. ya know, that can be read so many different ways.. (especially if you change the spelling of "weak")
generally, jeesh. is this still in free-write form? no changes or anything? I think Sam (crys) said it before.. free-writes tend to be really powerful becuase of the state of mind of the author when it was written. i could nit-pick some more, but.. i don't want to. There's something unique about free-write poetry, and I don't want to change that.
Its moving... Its very good though, to let out your feelings like that.