Curst by a Breath

Hey Dono,

Here’s the review ^^

I know you prefer overall comments, and I’ll give them, but I’ll still point out some little things =]

dying wish damning my body Why is wish in italics? I don’t see any reason for it to be. A few lines down you do it again, and I’m just not sure what effect you’re trying to achieve by using italics.

Run-on sentences: In this short piece, I found two. I’ll let you see for yourself if you can find them. Be careful with this, they distract from the quality of the work.

To be honest I think you overuse “…” in this piece. Once or twice is okay, but in a piece this short there really shouldn’t be more than that, or it becomes too repetitive. My advice is to keep one, and find another way of making the other sentences work without it.

god Shouldn’t this word have a capital letter?

Overall: I think this is very good, though there are so many names introduced in such a short piece of writing that it gets slightly confusing. It's good that you conclude with those sentences that explain some things, because quite frankly I was slightly puzzled as to who was who, etc. Still, maybe you can expand on this piece? It'd be nice to read more of it, and it would make more sense if there was more time for everything to be explained.

Very good piece, I like it. Well done. Short review, yep ^^ but that’s ‘cause it’s good.

XxxDo

I liked this piece very much. I think that the criticism that it tells rather than shows is a faulty one, for the simple reason that it's a sort of journal entry. Curst warriors are generally not descriptive writers, so it makes sense that his thoughts would be simple. He's not going to describe the Purple Dragons (who I think I remember as knights), or the facial expressions of his friend, or the dankness of the cell, or the lines and cracks on the wall, like some soppy poet. Why? Because he's not a soppy poet! (No offense, soppy poets . . . We need you, too, lol.) But he's a warrior, torn with grief, so it's that grief that will occupy his mind. He doesn't care about describing anything to anyone: He's writing a journal for his own sake. So it makes sense to me that he would speak in the way you've portrayed him. You do very well at creating the mood, a sense of subdued sorrow and sympathy as well. No, it's not a fully fleshed out plot, but then again, that makes sense. He knows the details; he doesn't need to fill them all in for himself, that would be silly. Obviously, this work fits in to a larger story, and so the story within it is not complete, but as a unit of prose in its own right, I don't think it should really be handled any differently. Nicely done.

One sentence struck me as out of whack, a bit. "Death is a being I am a stranger to." I know sometimes convoluting the sentence structure can make prose sound more elegant, but in this case it's not working for you. I would recommend a simple "I am a stranger to Death," or "I am a stranger to that being, Death." Something like that. Again, he's not a soppy poet, he's Curst, depressed, and gritty. Eschew the elegance, in this case, I would say. But otherwise, I liked this.

I love the story. Especially the part were you realize that the protagonist "cannot die." That's always interesting. Trust me, it is ALWAYS interesting. One thing though, try adding more action into the story. Y'know like some kind of fight or something.

I completely understand the story. Right now, the only thing I should suggest that this should be moved to the "adventure" section.

Hehehe... you knew I was going to get to this eventually, right?

For this story, I think you're telling more than you're showing. So right now you're giving us an excerpt, which is all well and good, but there's no real plot that hooks us in. You give us a ghost of a plot and a teaser, but I would rather have the main character listening to these last words and reflecting on it in a concrete surrounding. So you bring in the physical world into the story, admidst all the thought.

So yeah! Put this to a story, and you definitely have something.

The Reaper has visited us this day. His scythe has taken our companions, our friends. Our brothers. The Grey Blade has fallen this day.

Did you catch all that "this day"? That kinda got on my nerves.

But it's still cool! Great Storyline! Where's the rest?

-MH

Haha, Wiggy said what I was thinking: Pirates.

Just the whole "I can't feel warmth or cold" part, really.

I have to admit... As much as I'm a fan of dragons, the Purple Dragons brought a kid's show to mind and somewhat pulled me out of your fantasy world. I love all the names... So Purple Dragons just stood out to me.

It took me a while to realize that Barrat was the one speaking after the italics, but I loved it. This definitely has potential.

Keep it up! We want more!

Yay, people agree with me!

Muah!

You're so creative.

Sounds like something out of Pirates.

I liked it! Basically what Kat said, except for the babe part.

This is most definitely an exerpt from his personal journal. You will learn what it means to be Curst soon enough. Yes, I mean Curst.

Well written, but I agree with Kat. Too short. And as to the quote she put up, I think there should be a space after the ellipse. I could be wrong, but isn't 'curst' meant to be 'cursed'?

Anyways, good stuff. More needed though.

He was a brother...and a father.

Despite his words, I know he grieved more than any would have thought possible, just as I would have for him, were he in my place.