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12+

200 Feet

by Efuellia


Thump thump

I see him,

Thump thump

I look away and pretend but,

Thump thump

Then I see his eyes, and he sees mine,

Thump thump

Thump thump

The dread in my stomach,

Thump thump

Only 200 feet, 195, 190, till the gate of freedom,

Thump thump

I look behind me, just 10 feet, he's there, oh dear, 

Thump thump

150 feet to go, but he's taller, his legs are longer and he walks faster,

Thump thump

Thump thump

I feel a hand on my left shoulder, then an arm on my right,

Thump thump

Thump thump

Thump thump

My heart is beating, my palms are sweating, and my mind is racing, but I can only smile,

Thump thump

He smiles back and starts to speak, the words only intensify the dread,

Thump thump

I'm trapped, there is many others around, but they are blind,

Thump thump

90 feet, he is talking, I smile, nod, trying to look calm, the words are innocent but the intention is clear,

Thump thump

The feeling, it's building in my chest, growing and expanding,

Thump thump

I can't escape this, I want someone to help, but no one does,

Thump thump

50 more feet, I'm shaking, tired of pretending, feeling alone in a crowd of people,

Thump thump

Everything is a blur in the panic of my mind, 30 feet, 20, 10,

Thump thump

Thump thump

Thump thump

I'm almost there, my vision clears, I see hope,

Thump thump

I smile, for real this time as his arm leaves my shoulders,

and the freedom of the gate envelops me.                         


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User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 30
Reviews: 8

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Mon Oct 19, 2020 2:18 am
Adu05 wrote a review...



Hi!

I love this poem and the thought behind it and personally, I think the best poems are those written about personal experiences. While I don't know the full story of what happened to inspire this poem, as a reader, I was able to understand and relate to all of the many emotions you brought out through your writing- the stress, nervousness, anxiety. I also really liked the language you used and the way you positioned the "thump"s. The idea of counting down the feet also creates a nice effect.

The poem first starts with a very lighthearted feeling and I kind of thought of the nervousness one feels around a crush but as I read on, that was replaced with a much darker sense of discomfort and "dread". While I love the subtlety of this change and respect the fact that stanzas might break the continuity of the experience you have described, I feel they would add a little clarity and depth to the poem. Just something to think about.

Overall this is a really great poem with such a nice style and a uniqueness added by the personal touch. I look forward to more of your amazing poems in the future. Keep writing :)




Efuellia says...


Thanks for the review!!!



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13 Reviews


Points: 98
Reviews: 13

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Wed Oct 14, 2020 9:25 am
Goldenwizard wrote a review...



Hi/ Namaste
I really liked the thump you created in my heart while I was reaching the end. It was really good.
In the mid shore I imagined it as a race where we are close to the winning point but suddenly someone is behind us, close to overtake our position.
But as I got near the end it was similar like one of my dream where I was running against someone and like the door of freedom you mentioned I had a turn on the subway.
I could feel exactly what you tried to mention in this work. It was really good and make me remeber of few moments of my life where I was running against something in a fear that I would be caught by it and there is just a single hope for me to be safe if only I cross that invisible line and be in a safe zone.
Your writing method is really good and I really liked your work.
Thankyou/ Dhanyavad




Efuellia says...


Thank you so much for the review!!



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44 Reviews


Points: 2445
Reviews: 44

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Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:23 am
Euphoria8 wrote a review...



OOOH okay so this is a really interesting poem! I didn't expect that ending but I certainly enjoyed it! I think the poem can be freely interpreted in a lot of ways because I'm sure everyone has a different definition of "the gate of freedom" and I love that space you have given us!

Another favourite part of mine is the repetition of the "thump thump"s. I just love when repetitions are done well in poetry and this is included! However I was wondering why at some lines there are more thumps than in others: was it to slow the pacing or perhaps show that there is a large distance?

I hope this memory isn't haunting you too much and that you feel better about the whole thing now!

Thank you for sharing and keep growing <3




Efuellia says...


Aw thank you so much for the review!! The thumps were kind of trying to show the stress level and how it increases and decreases.



Euphoria8 says...


You're most welcome <3 wooahhh I see it now it makes sense! Thanks for clarifying!




But if he hadn't said that, Bear Thompson wouldn't have been himself.
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