z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

No Good

by Edeonsyn


The smell of burnt sugar and coffee welcomed Fae as the door blocking her entrance swung open. There stood one of her friends, Ryan. "Bought the cake?" He asked as he fidgeted with the sleeves of his shirt adverting his eyes from her's. Fae lacked time to reply when the brunet tugged her right sleeve and dragged Fae inside the house.

Today was her friend, Rachel's birthday. She was staying in London for the past few weeks while she and her friends planned a surprise party. She was going to return anytime soon.

"Hey, Fae!" Ashley greeted from behind her, scaring her.

"Hey, Ash. How's Tim doing?" Fae replied looking for a place to leave the cake.

"Nothing much, Tim is still having trouble with getting into the bathroom. You know he can't see after the car accident," she answered while sighing. Fae nodded and continued looking around. Ashley noticed this. "Here, I'll take it."

"No, no, I'm fine just tell me where to put it," Fae said holding the box away from her grasp. Ashley shrugged her shoulders.

"Alright then, just put it on the kitchen counter, that'll do." She said. Fae nodded and walked to the kitchen and placed it. Rachel wasn't going to be happy if she found out they begged her parents to let them in. Just as Fae returned to the living room, Josh rushed over.

"Rachel's at the front door!" He said aloud, while hurriedly hiding behind the curtains.

"Crap," Fae muttered rushing back to the kitchen before opening the lid of the box and taking out the contents. Being careful with the cake, she returned, hiding behind the couch as the others hurried over to their hiding spots with a little swearing. Ryan seemed to be the only one who had trouble with his spot since he couldn't fit in.

"Ryan! Over here!" Fae yelled. Just as Ryan slid next to her side, she heard the door click open. The rush of hot air made Fae even more nervous, but she remained patient. As Fae heard footsteps, Josh jumped out of his hiding spot and pulled the birthday popper string. Out of instinct, Fae also pulled herself up and shouted.

"Surprise!"

It took a few seconds for the others to register what was happening before they also jumped out.

"Surprise!" They shouted although the timing made it awkward. Rachel stood in front of her friends awkwardly as they didn't know what to do next.

"Thanks," Rachel said. Then something dawned on her. "Wait, how did you all get inside?". Everyone was silent before Amelia spoke up.

"We begged your parents to let us in!" She said while laughing nervously. Rachel didn't seem impressed and sighed before plopping herself on top of the couch.

"Well okay then." The brunette muttered. They all awkwardly stood around her not knowing what to do before she pulled out two DVDs.

"Wanna watch some horror movies and eat cake?" They all nodded and gathered around the couch.

"So what are we watching?" Fae whispered to Rachel, who was next to her. She gave her an unnerving smile.

"Get ready to cry, darling," she whispered back. Rachel stood up all of the sudden before rushing herself to the closest window. Fae watched her confused when she opened the curtains and stood silent.

"Rachel? You alright there?" Amelia asked worried before she stood up and joined Rachel. Fae could hear something pounding on the front door. The doorbell was also ringing. Uncertain of what to do, she scooted out from the couch before walking to the front door. However, she was stopped by Amelia. Her expression made her feel queasy as she was staring at Fae in fear. "Don't open it." Fae stared at her puzzled with her eyebrows furrowed and frowned.

What was happening?

Both of their heads twisted to the door when everyone heard a distant, muffled, screaming and scratching noises.

"Amelia, what's happening?" Fae asked in a demanding tone. Amelia's brown eyes looked around in angst as her lips quivered. Fae noticed that Amelia's lips were unnaturally pale upon further inspection. Josh and Ashley looked at each other nervously while Ryan looked unnervingly calm while he was fooling around with the CD.

After a couple minutes, Rachel backed away from the glass panel. She pulled out her phone while strutting to the basement. Ashley rose from her spot and trekked towards her grabbing her by the shoulder. Startlingly, Rachel slapped her hand away from her figure and pulled Ashley into the basement. She yelled at Ryan in gibberish, hastening herself to the kitchen before he took action. Fae didn't resist when he grabbed her wrist in a crude way. Ryan hauled her into the room along with Amelia, and Josh.

Whatever situation they were in, it was urgent.

After a few minutes, Rachel returned with various items inside plastic bags before placing them on the floor. The young woman raced back to the entryway before slamming the door shut. The lights switched on while she locked the door numerous times with locks. After checking on the door to make sure it was heavily secured Rachel returned.

"Is everyone alright," she asked heaving slightly. Everyone nodded or shrugged before Ashley spoke up.

"Explain what's happening," she said crossing her arms. Rachel settled herself onto the dusty chair covering her head before raising it.

"I don't know if there's a murder massacre happening, but what I know is that 'they' are attacking people on the street." The female answered in a shaking voice.

"Shouldn't we do something?"Ashley calmly asked.

Amelia wept in fear as she continued. "Ashley, 'they' aren't humans. More like monsters that crave to torture." Everyone panicked while Fae looked inside the bags that Rachel had brought. There were weapons, supplies, a first aid kit, and bottles of water packed together. She noticed Josh looking confused as he dialed his boyfriend, Nick. (In case you're wondering Josh is homosexual)

"Josh?" She asked, bothered by his facial expression. Fae couldn't seem to get his attention as everyone was shouting and screaming. However, it stopped when she heard ear-splitting noises from above. Everyone could hear cursing from above as the house wasn't soundproof. More commotions were heard above, Fae couldn't help but stare at her friends. Rachel reached inside a plastic bag and pulled out a kitchen knife. Was she serious about hurting whoever was above them? She didn't know.

Although this house wasn't sound proof, she could barely understand what the intruder from above was saying. She heard faint footsteps from above, getting louder and louder towards their location. It stopped when there was a different voice calling out.

"Toby, we need to go," a voice from above spoke.

"Alright, where are we going?" The person who seemed to be 'Toby' replied. There was a small grunt and muttering before two pairs of footsteps left the house. After a few minutes, Ashley stood up rushing to the door and pulling hard on the locks.

"What are you doing?!" Josh yelled angrily, stomping towards her. "They're going to my house! Tim's there, he's only twelve years old, and no one is there, with him!" She replied breaking down. Everyone knew how much she adored her little brother.

"Ashley, I'm sure Tim can protect himself," Amelia whispered to her. "Defend himself? Try that yourself when you're blind." Ashley replied in a sour voice, making the woman flinch. Fae could hear the desperate tries, as Ashley tried different ways to open the door. Ten minutes passed; she could see she was getting tired, yet she continued, on. Rachel rose up and stamped towards her devastated friend. Quietly without a word she pulled out the keys and clicked each lock open. Finally, she clicks the last lock open; pushing the door open. Both of them returned in silence and grabbed weapons. Fae also followed them, only to be shocked to see that the living room was a wreck. It was dreadful that a person could destroy this place within a few minutes. She approached the front door and peered outside. She couldn't help but vomit from the horrific sight.

What kind of monster could've done this?


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User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 18525
Reviews: 118

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Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:19 pm
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello, Edeonsyn! PastelSlushie here for a review. Let's get right into it.

FIRST IMPRESSION
- This whole piece of writing confused me. This feels like you took a chapter from the middle of a book. I could be wrong, i just feel like that because of the way you introduced this writing.

CHARACTERS
- I really can't say much about the characters because I don't know them. I don't know much about their personalities, and right now, they just seem like names on a screen. There's a golden rule when it comes to writing characters: "If the writer can relate to the characters, so can the readers." Because if the writer can't connect to the characters, why should the readers?

NITPICKS
1) In the line, "Defend himself? Try that yourself when you're blind." Ashley replied in a sour voice, making the woman flinch. You have to start a new paragraph with this line, because Ashley is replying and she is a different person talking.

2) "They're going to my house! Tim's there, he's only twelve years old, and no one is there, with him!" Make sure to take out the comma after there, as well as starting a new paragraph here, because again, Ashley is replying to someone and she is a different person talking.

3) "She noticed Josh looking confused as he dialed his boyfriend, Nick. (In case you're wondering Josh is homosexual)" I feel the line in parentheses is unnecessary. The line before said that Josh was calling his boyfriend, so the reader already knows he's homosexual.

4) "Everyone could hear cursing from above as the house wasn't soundproof." Saying that the house is soundproof, again, is unnecessary. The reader should know that the house isn't soundproof just by reading the beginning part of the line. You have also stated the house wasn't soundproof in another paragraph, keep that. It flows good with the sentence it's placed in.

5) "Both of their heads twisted to the door when everyone heard a distant, muffled, screaming and scratching noises." Make sure to take the comma out after muffled.

WAYS TO IMPROVE
- While you do have a solid plot, I'd like to know more about the characters. I'd like to know their flaws, what they're good at. I do know that this is only a beginning, the only thing I know about a character is that he's homosexual. While that is something the reader should know, I'd like to know more.

OVERALL
- I really like this piece. It's interesting, and the last line was a nice cliff hanger, it makes the reader want to know, "Well, what happened? What are the characters seeing?" You have a solid plot and you know what you're doing, the characters just need to be more developed.

Keep writing!

Pastel




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139 Reviews


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Reviews: 139

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Thu Aug 03, 2017 1:38 pm
Biluata wrote a review...



Hey! Luata here to write a review. It has been forever since I've reviewed a novel chapter, so please bear with me. Also keep in mind that most of this review is just my opinion so you can take or leave it as you will. Onward and upward!

First Impression

My first impression was: wow this is strange and my second thought was: wait, I'm confused. I don't know if you have other chapters or not? But this doesn't seem like the beginning of the story. More like the middle? Maybe? I don't know. I am easily confused, so maybe I'm just being silly.

Characters

This goes along with what I said above. I can't really say a lot about your characters because I don't know them very well. They change quite a bit in this chapter so there are no definitive patterns to identify them by. My advice would be this: don't describe your characters by their hair colors. It just irks me for some reason. It kind of feels like your cheating with the "get to know the character" bit, but I'm really glad you didn't do the intro-bit that some people do to introduce their story.

Grammar, Flow, etc.

This is mostly nit-picky stuff, so take or leave it.

The smell of burnt sugar and coffee welcomed Fae as the door blocking her entrance swung open. There stood one of her friends, Ryan. "Bought the cake?" He asked as he fidgeted with the sleeves of his shirt adverting his eyes from her's. Fae lacked time to reply when the brunet tugged her right sleeve and dragged Fae inside the house.


"Blocking her entrance" is unnecessary description, so I would get rid of it. Just describing the door as "door" is perfectly fine, the reader will understand what you're talking about. For "Bought the cake?", that part should be indented into a new line. This part in the chunk:

He asked as he fidgeted with the sleeves of his shirt adverting his eyes from her's


gave me a bit of a trouble because it just reads roughly. I would rewrite as thus: He asked, fidgeting with the sleeves of his shirt, his eyes downcast , just because it gives it a bit more flow and makes it easier to read?

Again with this segment from the chunk:

Fae lacked time to reply when the brunet tugged her right sleeve and dragged Fae inside the house.


You're adding a lot of unneeded words that kind of makes your writing more "flowery" than informational, which generally isn't a good habit for novelists. I would delete the "lacked time to reply" and write: "Fae couldn't reply as the brunet dragged her into the house." It's short and simple and most definitely gets your point across in a timely manner.

"Nothing much, Tim is still having trouble with getting into the bathroom. You know he can't see after the car accident," she answered while sighing. Fae nodded and continued looking around. Ashley noticed this. "Here, I'll take it."


Going in order. I don't see why Tim would be having problems with getting into the bathroom specifically. Going blind ... well, there's a lot of problems. So I would be more broad in your character's answer. It lends realism to your story, which is really good. The "she answered while sighing" it a bit not good. Either stick with answered or sighed, as in "she sighed," because using two dialogue tags is a bit awkward. My other question for this segment was what did Ashley notice? I get that you created the lead in the previous paragraph since she was looking for a place to put the cake, but it was a bit awkward and just a bit confusing. I also wouldn't use "this" as a descriptive word. Make a short bit describing what "this" is, but you don't want to over-explain. The reader is going to be more imaginative and whatnot than you think, so you can leave a bit to the imagination.

"Amelia, what's happening?" Fae asked in a demanding tone. Amelia's brown eyes looked around in angst as her lips quivered. Fae noticed that Amelia's lips were unnaturally pale upon further inspection. Josh and Ashley looked at each other nervously while Ryan looked unnervingly calm while he was fooling around with the CD.

After a couple minutes, Rachel backed away from the glass panel. She pulled out her phone while strutting to the basement. Ashley rose from her spot and trekked towards her grabbing her by the shoulder. Startlingly, Rachel slapped her hand away from her figure and pulled Ashley into the basement. She yelled at Ryan in gibberish, hastening herself to the kitchen before he took action. Fae didn't resist when he grabbed her wrist in a crude way. Ryan hauled her into the room along with Amelia, and Josh.


Get rid of "in a demanding tone", don't use "angst" as a descriptive term for eyes (that's just ... strange. Strange wording. Don't do it.) Delete "upon further inspection", describe Ryan as being clueless, not "unnervingly calm" because it seems to me that he was more just not paying attention then staying calm in the face of a crisis. If Rachel saw what terror was happening on the street, she wouldn't be "strutting" to the basement. Ashley is not going to "trek" across the living room (trekking implies a journey, this was more of a few steps sort of thing). I don't understand why she would be yelling in gibberish, even when in shock, most people are capable of forming proper words. I also don't understand why grabbing someone's wrist is crude? I'd either get rid of that or be more descriptive.

Amelia wept in fear as she continued. "Ashley, 'they' aren't humans. More like monsters that crave to torture." Everyone panicked while Fae looked inside the bags that Rachel had brought. There were weapons, supplies, a first aid kit, and bottles of water packed together. She noticed Josh looking confused as he dialed his boyfriend, Nick. (In case you're wondering Josh is homosexual)


How does Amelia know everything? Is that going to show up in future chapters? I dislike the "all knowing" character when it comes to these sorts of situations, but perhaps that is just my personal preference. I'd get rid of the "in case you were wondering" tag. I sort of figured that out when the boyfriend's name was "Nick" and honestly, it's sort of a slap-in-the-face to the reader, like they aren't bright enough to figure out that Josh is a homosexual.

Everyone could hear cursing from above as the house wasn't soundproof.


Most houses aren't soundproof, so you don't really have to worry about pointing that out.

"Toby, we need to go," a voice from above spoke.

"Alright, where are we going?" The person who seemed to be 'Toby' replied. There was a small grunt and muttering before two pairs of footsteps left the house. After a few minutes, Ashley stood up rushing to the door and pulling hard on the locks.


They speak? In English? They have human names for each other? They're intelligent? That kind of derails the mystical monster train of mindless monsters ruthlessly massacring humans ...

"What are you doing?!" Josh yelled angrily, stomping towards her. "They're going to my house! Tim's there, he's only twelve years old, and no one is there, with him!" She replied breaking down. Everyone knew how much she adored her little brother.


This section was a bit confusing. Indent when a new person speaks and that'll clear up the confusion right away.

"Ashley, I'm sure Tim can protect himself," Amelia whispered to her. "Defend himself? Try that yourself when you're blind." Ashley replied in a sour voice, making the woman flinch.


Same with this bit. Indent.

She approached the front door and peered outside. She couldn't help but vomit from the horrific sight.


My advice to you would be to use action verbs. She "walked" not "approached". Stuff like that. Because the way you're writing this, it makes it have a lot of unneeded action, which kind of takes away from the forward motion of your plot. I hope that makes sense.

I enjoyed this read. I am most certainly intrigued. I hope that you're continuing to write this? If you do, drop me a line. I'd love to read it.

Best of luck!
~Luata





You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor