Published April 13, 2009
If i can kiss away your tears
If i can hug away your outbursts
If i can kill life’s insecurities
If i can share the pain you feel
If i can have my life to carry you through
If I can step on the ants that constantly bite you
If i can turn your frown upside down
If i can make you feel i hold this true
If i can be the person to walk with you
If i can let you know i love you
If i can bring you to the happiest place on earth
If i can give you the strength to hold on
If i can inspire you to be the best you can be
If i can make you realize how brilliant of a person you are
If i can keep on reminding you how much God loves you
If i can try a little bit more to understand you
If i can listen to your every trucked up twaddles
If i can sing to you a lullaby
If i can lull you to happiness
If i can get you to sigh a good relief
If i can believe that we’d heal
If i can show you how much ill continue to care
If i can stop blabbering now…
I WOULD.
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Hmm... this poem seemed a little... what is the word?... flat. You start the same way each time (which I know is your main point, but it seems a little boring).
You need to capitalize your I's! I noticed that you didn't do that at all. Also this line;
If you are using the conjunction "life's" then you are saying "life is"... morphing "life" and "is. You did not use it correctly. The way you are putting it, you are saying "I I can kill life is insecurities..."
See what is wrong with that? Kill the apostrophe in there. It's making you use the incorrect form of a word.
This line is a bit confusing...
Ha ha, I can totally relate
Nice poem... but I would clean it up a little. Start with your I's... they drove me crazy!
Hey Echolair! Nice to meet you. =]
To begin with, I liked the character development that came out of here (religion, desire, sadness etc) and the emotions were certainly there. However, I have a few thoughts to go by.
Grammar
The repetition really annoys me in this poem. Firstly, it should be "could" and not "can", because "could" is conditional, whereas "can" suggests that you might be able to you just don't know. "Could" implies that you can't and you know it. However, you can choose either, just make the last line agree with it. If you pick "could" it must be "would" and if you pick "can" you must have "will". Otherwise, it's awkward and the atmosphere is difficult.
Secondly, not every line has to start with a capital letter. As with prose, it's just the first letter of a sentence. Also, you'll want to put a comma after each line, to make sure it's the same sentence and not just a load of unconnected fragments, which is kind of implied. Also, I'm just not getting why the "i" is not capitalised. What's the point? What does it add? Is it just a typo? If so, it doesn't work.
Poem
This is a very weak opening line. It's an overused line in a lot of poems, songs and other romantically-failed soliloquys. Even in a poem, you want to grab us in with some mind-blowing imagery and emotions, shimmy us away. Introduce us with a bang, shock us with what you can. This, however, doesn't introduce what could come, because it's so empty.
The overall impression of the poem is that someone wants to help someone else and explain that they can't help, but the thing is, I'm not interested in that. I'd rather not read a load of lines repeating the same thing, but instead learn about the story of why he can't help. That sounds much more interesting. Nothing's revealed, and the mystery is not used for effect. The theme is wanting to help and not much more. As it stands, it just reads like another teenage angst poem and they irritate the hell out of me--I'd recommend writing a bit more about the story than the one dragged-out emotion, yah?
The repetition loses its effect as it progresses, because the power is gone and I'm not expecting anything particularly new to come out, so I just skip out the syllables and that's a waste of space.
By all means, don't acknowledge that in the poem! It just adds another line and almost confirms the reader's thoughts. It seems to me as if you were looking for a quickfix, but couldn't get one, so threw in this line to make it seem like we should love it for just pointing it out. It's not working for me, sorry.
So, yeah. PM me if you have any queries or thoughts, and I'd love to help! Sorry if I've been a little harsh, but I think the idea could go somewhere, so stick with it, like I said.
Best
Blinky