Young Writers Society

Okay, I followed your advise and ignored all the caps and (...), which I'm glad I did. Otherwise, I would have been very irked by all those!

With that said, I think that you have a very...unique piece. I would agree that it has a poetic side to it. But sometimes, I was very...um...confused? Like that part when Dakin is drinking the little boy's blood and then you say "So it begins" or something like that and then you switch scenes. Very misleading. You need to either put break lines or something to signify that you are switching scenes or that it was a dream.

Another thing that confused me was this line:

It was dark and he was a Tepes. He was Dakin Tepes. None of their kind would ever be bothered by dark, moreso for it to scare one.

This has a really good middle. I get what you mean when you put the (.....). I was just a little confused throughout this story about who was talking about who. In the beginning I thought it was the vampire himself. But then I realized it was the narrator, then after that it goes to the actual vampire does it? I'm sorry, but I was very confused about who the narrator was talking about. It has good details though. I would consider revising this part; make it easier to understand.

Hello, Echo! You said to ignore the caps and the (...) so I did. And because of that...I have no idea how to edit your post! Isn't that awesome?!

Okay, sorry, that was way uncalled for. Anyways, I liked it. I like the name Dakin. Very original. I thought it seemed poetic, too. Very nice.

I will be waiting for the next installment.

*~*Kiss*~*

me sorry. I was half-assed freestyling this,, and usually, my drafts are poetic so when i haven't studied it up a bit it does suck, grammatically speaking. Even the punctuations are all around! ) But thanks muchos for that Ridiculously Long Articulation yet very Helpful critique.


We should have a blood pact and be good friends. 0.o


CHASE.

Heya, Echo! You get a line-by-line. Aren't you lucky?

The heartbeats in his head drown out the laughter, and delighted squeals of the other children on the playground...their merry voices are mere whispers in the distance, as the hunger sets in... So many Beating Drums, he thinks....inviting me to Drink.

10 feet away stands a child around his own age, but slighter in frame..a small boy with olive complexion, whos eyes seem to smile even when his face is blank..Hes' more alone than the other children, who seem to be in pairs or triplets, going about various playful tasks.(perhaps it was loneliness, more than the heartbeat in his neck which called the Hunger) Just standing there idly watching a handful of sand fall from his tiny fingertips...oblivious to the child approaching.....

It happened so suddenly, that at first there was nothing but a cold numbness which set in, the moment the child seized him and bit into the soft part of his neck below the ear.Dazed and frightened, the Boy screamed with a fury born of rage and pain, while struggling in an ill attempt to free himself from the restraints of his Captor...."shh, dont worry...be still" (a voice within his head whispers) "it'll all be over soon"...."and then it Begins"....