z

Young Writers Society


12+

Prologue: Voice & a Six String

by EccentricRose


A Voice & a Six String

 Prologue

     Gabriel softly played the six string resting on his leg. He picked each string slowly at first, each time adding an extra note at the end. It almost sounded like a harp, a sad harp with more sorrow and less grace. It wasn't until he picked up his pace that the sound of the guitar was more distinguishable -as guitar rather than harp – to the ear.

     Drip. Drip. Drip. 

     The rain outside pattered on the steel roof in a rhythm, blending in with various other sounds he was incorporating into what he played. Anyone passing by wouldn't have realized that he was strumming not only to the rain but with the rain, letting it be as much a part of his song as the guitar. The slight rattle caused by the wind, roughly every three beats and the quick, decisive taps of his toes kept the music flowing. 

          Don't fight nature, his voice once told him. Or at least, Gabriel was sure he had a voice. It didn't exactly speak directly to him, but it was there in his mind, like the shadow by his side. He would catch stray thoughts from it as if someone else's subconscious was living inside of his head but didn't even know that Gabriel was there. It was almost as if he had a second personality.

     Sfffpt. Sfffpt. Sffpt. 

     Gabriel looked up suddenly at the slight change of sound from outside his window. The drip that hit the roof before rolling down to the second layer of steel was muffled, as if an outstretched palm was catching the rain drop before it could fall any further. 

     He continued to play, but something deep inside un-nerved him. He wasn't sure why he felt the way he did, the wind could have shifted the constant drip in another direction and changed the key of the sound. The only thing was, the wind stayed the same, or so his subconscious automatically alerted him. 

     Remember, you are a warrior, not a child.

     Was the voice in his head talking to him mind to mind? It hadn't spoken directly to him in the past, as though it didn't know it had a co-tenant. He never spoke to it, either. He didn't want to bother the voice, in case it changed their relationship. He calmed himself; there was no way his voice was speaking to him; it talked to itself a lot.

      Drip. Drip. Drip.

     The rain patterned itself the way it had been. Gabriel took a deep breath in relief and continued to play to the sounds nature provided. He was just overreacting, his imagination was getting the better of him. Sure, he had a voice that occupied a little place in his mind.The thought of a stranger on his roof, cupping his hand to stop a rain drop he was playing to? Never.

     Stand up! The voice was loud and clear, echoing through his thoughts, and was unmistakably speaking directly to him, whoever or whatever it was. Without hesitation, Gabriel rose to his feet.

     The rain streaked window shattered into jagged pieces as a figure in black swooped into the room. Gabriel whacked the intruder in the stomach with his six string and rolled out of the way of his attacker. The man was stunned and gasped for breath before gathering himself and lunging for the boy. Gabriel spun behind him and grabbed the closest weapon he could find; a glass bottle on his dresser ,containing an ancient ship prototype. He smashed it on the stranger's head, watching with horror as the man fell to the ground.

     Gabriel ran down the stairs to his car and pressed his foot on the gas pedal, driving swiftly toward the police station. When his nerves settled down a bit, he mentally thanked the voice that warned him of the attack. He still wasn't aware of who wanted him dead and why somebody would send a man after him. Gabriel did know one thing for sure, whoever the guiding voice belonged to that was trapped inside his mind, he hoped to be able to thank them someday in person for saving his life.


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Fri May 29, 2015 3:56 pm
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Cithara says...



GUITAR <3
[I'm not here to review, I would if I could, but I just wanted to say how pleasantly surprised I am to stumble on a work with a guitar in it! I have a short story I started with a guitar, but man it's just so cool to see this. How long have you been playing? I've been playing almost two years ;)]






Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear that you loved my story, and play guitar as well! I don't know very many people who play guitar compared to the piano.
[ I love your username! And I started playing when I was about 12 or 13; I'm 17 now. But I've never had official lessons and because of some injuries, I've had to give up playing. But I still try to play but then have to force myself to stop. :( ]



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Fri May 29, 2015 1:44 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here. c:

So since I found out you wrote this two years ago, it's most likely a bit more... detached from you than it used to be, so I won't worry about being gentle or not being harsh. I'll spell it out as I see it - no sugar-coating. So you're prepared now, right? xd

FIRSTLY - guitar. Okay, I approve. You have a guitar in this chapter, which is amazing. Guitars are beautiful instruments, sound so gorgeous, and are just fun to play. BUT while reading this, I didn't get the sensory detail of stroking the guitar, how it looked or felt against his leg. Now the detail of the sound, and how it was like a harp at his slow pace? I thought you did perfect there, and I loved being able to flow that sound through my mind. The comparison was wonderful. But the visual side of things could use a little help there.

And, in fact, description is lacking throughout this piece. Sometimes it's not the amount, but the kind of description that makes it seem like this. You're good with sounds, particularly in the beginning with the guitar, and you're at home inside Gabe's mind. But with touch and sight, you could look over this piece and add more. Bring the reader into your world, remember. Imagine this as an image in front of you - a movie, really. And reading your chapter, ensure your reader will be able to see what you see. And many times it's the details that make the scene memorable and visual, not the kind of floor he's standing on. Such as the bottle he grabbed - proto-type ship in a bottle was a perfect one to chose. I loved it. Saying that brought an instant image into my head, and you needed nothing more.

He calmed himself; there was no way his voice was speaking to him; it talked to itself a lot.


Odd way of using semi-colons. xD Normally, I wouldn't say anything, but the way you did it reaaally makes the sentence read kinda awkward.

So I loved the pacing in the beginning - not too fast, not too slow, just the right pacing for us to enjoy his playing and the voices in his head. Kind of like warming up to the character in this beginning, right? Loved it. Towards the ending, the pacing went into overdrive and started to go wayyy too fast for my liking. Remember how sometimes people put a movie in like sixteen speed? That's how I saw it. Started - and bang, done. Too fast. Let the detail and the exhilaration fill the character, and fill the reader. The glass shattered, you say? Where's the surprise, shock? Where's the glass on the floor, crunching beneath his feet as he reaches for the bottle? And the sickening crack against the attacker's head was missing, too. And that makes me sad, as it's always a fave part. xd Take your time, fill in the detail. Remember: it's better to have too much than too little. Over time and when you edit, you can always remove the extraneous stuff. But it's better to have your reader a bit overwhelmed with the story than getting nothing at all. Give them something to work with. :3

watching with horror as the man fell to the ground.


So this is about the closest I was throughout to feeling close to the character, like I felt what he did. When I read this chapter, while I really enjoyed it and the writing was good, I felt disconnected from him, like he was far-away and I was watching him through binoculars, not inside his head, inside his heart, following the story. In other words, I wasn't touched by the emotion in this story much at all, because there really wasn't much to speak of. So when you go about editing and re-writing (because you will or I will have Selina punish you), remember that - bring the reader in close to the character in a personal way.

The reader wants to feel something.

Man, I feel like all I've said are super negative stuff throughout this review. And while that's kind of true, don't think I didn't enjoy this or didn't think it was good. I loved it. The best part, of course, was the beginning where he was playing the guitar - perfect. You have a way with beginnings, if you haven't noticed. It eased us into the story in an amazing way, and yet didn't bore us with the first few pages. An introduction to the character - then to the book. I like that. ;)

OH. One more thing. THIS ISN'T A PROLOGUE. It reads like a first chapter in every. single. way. Unless chapter one starts off twenty years later, I suppose. If the next chapter follows this one in time, then this should be chapter one.

I'd love to review more of this book if you write more. Bug me when and if you post it, kay? :3
~Darth Timmyjake






Hey! Thanks for the review! And you are right, the reason I put this up was because I didn't care as much about it as some of my other work. *strokes other books like gollum* My precioussss.

And don`t worry about a thing, when I was about twelve I entered an adult (small group) of writers with my way older sister. I am horrible at grammar and always have been so I`m quite used to a heavy dose of critiquing! (That`s an understatement, I was ripped apart so much I had the whole site defending me from this one lady. xD But I never minded because at least she was helping me. )

I definitely can see what you mean. Sometimes I can use a bit too much description in some areas but all in all it happens way to fast. That`s the girl side of me I guess, I have no imagination when it comes to fighting scenes and I try to skip over them quickly. You`ve brought a me a good amount of details to my attention I can add to make is sound better. Thank you for that!

Semi-colons...feel free to tell me every time it sounds awful. I always mix up when I should use them. (English was only a favorite subject when I was able to write an essay. =p )

I think with the prologue I was thinking of what happened in Eragon. I was pretty sure the prologue started with the elf transporting the dragon egg and chapter one started with Eragon finding it. But that`s okay, I can make it chapter one and then make a prologue.

Thank you so much for this review. I`d write this in Caps Lock to show my appreciation but I don`t want to get in trouble for shouting. ;)

I do actually have another version of this story (my first version), that shows Gabriel knocking out the guy (there were actually a few more guys than one) and he jumps on the roof and makes his way down to his car by climbing down a tree. While I hate books where teenagers are invincible, it does kind of make sense in the later chapters why he`s like that. Should I try re-writing my first version for ya?

Thanks again!

~Rose



TimmyJake says...


I'd love to review anything you write. xD A re-write of this or a new book, aaand your sisters tell me this was a long, long time ago, so I know your new stuff would be ahmazing.





Awesome, thanks!
Yeah...my new work is much different because I've been in this historical fiction phase. =p



TimmyJake says...


REALLY?
I used to write so, so much historical fiction. :3 Tis an amazing genre.





Maybe someday I'll show you that story. I don't really want to put it on the public internet though. =p



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Thu May 28, 2015 6:14 am
Casanova says...



Okay, I may be a noob when it comes to writing and book writing(only wrote three books, two which are said to be good, the other I'm still working on), yet I can tell this is a good prologue, a good start to a good story, if you keep it up. At first I was thinking that it was slightly dull, in the beginning, yet it really did pick up. You done a great job on this, and I hope that you keep up with your writing. I also hope that I get to read more of your stories in days to come, seeing as how this is really good. Perhaps you could add just a tad more suspense, though? Just a thought, it would be really interesting if you could. If I was to give this a rating with the five star rating system, I'd say about a four/four-and a half star writing(Nothing is perfect!) Bur, seriously, good job and keep it up, your skill can take you far.




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Casanova wrote a review...



Okay, I may be a noob when it comes to writing and book writing(only wrote three books, two which are said to be good, the other I'm still working on), yet I can tell this is a good prologue, a good start to a good story, if you keep it up. At first I was thinking that it was slightly dull, in the beginning, yet it really did pick up. You done a great job on this, and I hope that you keep up with your writing. I also hope that I get to read more of your stories in days to come, seeing as how this is really good. Perhaps you could add just a tad more suspense, though? Just a thought, it would be really interesting if you could. If I was to give this a rating with the five star rating system, I'd say about a four/four-and a half star writing(Nothing is perfect!) Bur, seriously, good job and keep it up, your skill can take you far.






Thank-you so much for the review! It's always nice to hear some good feed back and ideas of how to improve my story. I'll thinking on what you said; it helped a lot! Thanks! <3
~Rose



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Tue May 26, 2015 9:28 pm
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TheSilentBagpipe wrote a review...



Hello *checks out the username again* Oh, its my sister.
HELLO ROSE *POKES*

Let me just say - BLISTERING BLUE BARNACLES!! TEN THOUSAND THUNDERING TYPHOONS, THIS IS AWESOME! (You can tell I have spent way to much time babysitting at Mimi's / watching their Tintin movies =P)

First off - Man this story was awesome. I loved it! The prologue is amazing, and I cannot wait to read more of your work. I hope you don't mind if I only read it on YWS because I don't think I can read your chicken scratch handwriting ;)
Did you know that in one of my stories I wrote a long time ago, there was a guy named Gabriel with a 2nd personality? I changed the name to Neil afterwards cause I wanted to kill the character, but it was still Gabriel before =P
Your writing has improved so much, making it even more awesome than it was before...jealous :( xD

This has already captivated me and can't wait to read more of it!
By the way, I love the name for it. VERY awesome <3

Anyways - GTG review more work. BYE!

~SeLiNa






Thanks! I can't remember when I wrote this one...I think about two years now? And don't worry, I can barely even read my own handwriting! haha





Yeah I think you told me about this one...or you told me about your idea for it.
xD



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Tue May 26, 2015 9:25 pm
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bbus wrote a review...



nice!






Thank-you bbus! I'm glad you liked it. =)




NO U
— Carina