Memory Train
There was a little boy, who was young and free,
He rode with his brother, in the little pick-up truck
All he remembers, was the deer on the road,
The swerving of the truck, rolling them over and over
The train was coming fast, honking its horn,
Flashing its lights, rushing to get past
For a moment, his older brother looked him in the eye,
Kissed him on the forehead, and whispered good-bye
With all his might, he threw him out the window,
Leaving himself as dead, all else was left unsaid.
Fifteen years later, the boy came home and was hit,
With the memory train, that whistled on
The memory train, hold’n all his nightmares strong
The memory train, as the rain poured down
Speeding down the road, with sorrow in his eyes
He crossed the tracks, of the memory train
The memory train, hold’n all his nightmares strong,
The memory train, as the rain poured down
Ghostly shivers fly down his spine,
As he sees the tracks not far behind,
And the cross he planted for his brother; the memory of his mourning mother,
Piercing his heart like a poisoned arrow
There was a train that was coming fast, honking its horn,
Flashing its lights, rushing to get passed,
His rear view mirror, held the tragedies of the night,
When he could no longer see the cross, of the memory train
The memory train, long covered up in vain,
The memory train, hold’n his nightmares strong
Author's note: I can't get the stanzas to work, the words keep jumbling together. Any ideas?
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Okay, you asked for help, you got it.
So what I do is that every stanza, I put a label. A song has two verses, a chorus, and a bridge. Every section of the song, I like to put the label in italics, saying chorus or whatever. I suggest you do that.
I enjoyed this very much but it doesn't seem to have a rhythm, chorus, or any parts of a song, really. Might want to look into that.
I liked the idea a lot! It's really sad and it shows us just how strong love is, especially in blood relatives. It made me cry a little. Happy writing!
Cheers,
Wisegirl22
Thanks so much for the idea!
Hopefully once I put chords and stuff to go with the lyrics, I`ll fix it to sound smoother.
I`m glad you liked it! (Sorry for making you cry. :,( )
Rose
It's fine. Making people feel emotions with your works shows signs your improving.
Hi dear
I like the explanation of the painful memories and the brotherhood. I can feel the pain of the guy losing his brother in the train accident. Everything is fine in the poem.
But the little modifications can give out the best in it. The memories of brotherhood and the scenic beauty should be emphasized more in my opinion.More memories of love should be there. I felt this poem is a bit inarticulate.
Other than this i believe it is a great piece of writing. Keep it up. Loved the idea.
Thanks so much for the review! That is a good idea you've given me. Awesome!
~Rose
Hey Rose! Loved this piece, so much. I think it has to be one of my favorites *thumbs up* Kinda made me want to cry....
Thanks. <3
=)
Hey,
This is a spectacular piece and I was on the brink of tears towards the end :')
The way you brought out this story in your poem is great.
A few things that might be corrected:
"All he remembers, was the deer on the road,"
(Remembers is present tense and *was* is past so you could just write *All he remembers, is the deer on the road* or , since it's a kind of flashback *All he could remember was the deer on the road*)
"The memory train, hold’n all his nightmares strong
The memory train, as the rain poured down"
(Usually when we use this kind of repetition in a poem, it's better to keep it rhymed. Also, you used this only twice and it didn't quite make the impact it could have.)
All in all, this is a great concept and poem but a little editing and formatting would've made this bang on.
Happy writing
-Ishita Dutt
I think leaving it as it is currently should work fine, but I'm not poetry expert. However, there are a few places where your word choice felt awkward such as "hold'n" in the one line. I know it's meant to make the poem flow smoothly, but I felt like this made me stumble over that particular line. Again, I am no poetry expert by any means.
I love the memory train as a metaphor for being smacked with memories.
-Grace
Thank-you so much! <3
This is one of my favorites, Rose. Awesome job!
Thanks! <3
You're welcome <3.
You're welcome <3.