Marionette

Basically what everyone is saying is true. Basing an entire poem on one single image like this is tricky: on the one hand, this kind of poem can be quite beautiful in a simple-yet-elegant kind of way. Here I feel like one day you thought "You know, I can compare myself to a marionette" and thats about all the thought you put into it. Of course I'm not saying that's true, but when I read it that's the feeling I get from it, and that's certainly not what you want. Think of what else you can say about you being a marionette, or him being your master (that is, if you want to fix this. I also agree with everyone when they say that it's overused...)

Hrrmm... okay. I still like this, but now I think you're over-using "pull" throughtout the poem.

Reading over it again, and the comments after my own... I think Cade has something here. You use an extended metaphor, but I don't think you need to constantly refer to it. A word here and a line there throughout the poem can work just as well, while adding some new subtlety.

Think about how you could portray the same meaning will less of the literal - Which I know is odd to think about considering that the entire thing is a metaphor, isnt it.

I enjoyed your new third stanza, it has a nice image.. but in the end I think Cade is right, slip some of the obvious out and make it a little more subtle, and I think you'll be there.

Good Luck once more.

*Hearts* Le Penguin,

I like the idea of destructive love, but I agree with Cade; the use of the marionette is rather cliche at this point. Also, please remember this: punctuation is your friend. If you have a good, solid, justifiable reason for abusing it, I will gladly look the other way. If you don't, however, I'll have to warn you against falling into the trap of pomp and self-righteous rule-breaking. It's not becoming of young poets. I would know; I was one of them.

This was really cute! i loved it!

I didn't care for it very much due to the fact that I don't know what a marrionette is...

The marionette image is way too overused. It's just...no. Just get rid of it. It might be fine to have one line that's like, "I'm like a marionette" or something along those lines, but to write a whole poem on the premise of being a marionette? Originality = 0.

-Colleen

I like it but maybe for the wrong reasons (actually definatly), I like it because it seems to be perverse, like a little girl and her teacher, and he does things to her, things she is too young to realize are bad. Perverse things spun in a pleasant way are catching and facinating.

I quite like this. I enjoyed the flow you created and the stnzas have their own individual meaning.

I am also a large fan of the marrionete image, I like the idea it creates and the connotations it can have. I think you've used it quite well here, especially conisdering how well you rounded it off with your last line.

One problem I can see is in your use of punctuation. You need some to make this flow a little better, just soe basics that fill in what we can't do on our own. Read over the poem and wherever you find yourrself stumbling or finding some issues, just add in the appropriate punctuation, and I tink you'll find reading through the poem to be come much easier than it was initially.

I find this stanza to jilt, though:

"My glorious teacher
Shows me what
To do, so expertly
Tugging on my heartstrings "

I think it is because you are implying he is the teacher, but you have not used the "he" we can associate him with. Perhaps if you said "he is my glorious teacher/showing me what" it will continue with your theme a little better.

I think you present your idea well here, and with the addition of some punctuation and that little niggle I think you have a nice piece.

Nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.