Matt paced through the corridors of his mind. He couldn't find the right thing to say. That's when it hit him. He strolled through Central Park and then he saw her sitting on the tangerine picnic blanket. Her soft strawberry locks. The blush on her rosy cheeks. Evelyn. When he walked up to her, she smiled. As he knelt down, he fumbled with the little black box in his pocket. Then, when he opened it he whispered to her, "Evelyn, will you marry me?"
A grin spread across her face..."Yes."
He slid the diamond ring onto her slender finger, and then, he kissed her. They drew each other closer. His hand found the small of her back. Then he caressed her cheek. He felt her silky hair. When they released their embrace, he gazed into her cyan eyes and said three words, "I love you."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
i change tori to matt. Main Street to Central Park. And added some deets hope you like it
Hey Skins!!! Yes, thanks for reviewing!! Yes, Eran and i are twins!! We share a b-day with Dr. Suess. Maybe that's why we're on here...... hehehehe!!
Oh well, you'll never know!
Chow for now,
sionarama
Your sister, Sionarama, asked me to review this for you 'cause I is awesome.
So yeah... Hi. Skins here to review!
Wow. I now know why they call it a short story. I've written shorter though, it was for school, mind you. It was fifty words. A mini saga apparently... Okay, that's beside the point. Now onto your review. Bearing in mind that it will be rather short because there isn't an awful lot to critique.
I thought that this opening line was quite sweet. My only problem is the fact that I love the name Tori... for a girl. I don't know many guys called Tori, because Tori is actually short for Victoria and I don't know any guys called Victoria. I'll go with it though, I'm willing to be open minded.
Meh... I don't really like sentences beginning with 'And'. Instead, say 'That's when it hit him.' Or something along those lines.
I just thought that a semi colon would be more effective here.
I noted where you needed a comma here.
Knelt is a much better word to use than kneeled. In fact, kneeled isn't actually a word...
Aww... sweet line. I noted a missing comma though.
Overall
Well, there isn't much of an overall to this. There wasn't really a beginning to this, or a middle, or a climax, or an ending. I actually rather liked it though, especially for such a short piece of writing. That's what I liked about it, I think. It was short and sweet! Like I mentioned earlier, I wrote a seriously short story for my English teacher and there wasn't really any conflict or anything in that. It's kind of impossible to create a beginning, middle, climax or ending with such a short story. The same goes for conflict, I'm not sure how you'd do it. The only way you could really do it is by making this longer.
My other critique is the your main characters name. I mean, I love the name Tori. I just find it kind of weird that he's a dude. Tori can probably be a guys name, I'm most likely being a noob. I'm still pretty sure that Tori is short for Victoria though. I don't know an awful lot of guys named Victoria. The only thing I can think of is that maybe Tori can be short for something else. Maybe a nickname for a name like Troy or Trevor, even? To be honest, I actually kind of like your main characters name, in a way. I like unique names, there's normally a story behind them. Therefore, they are interesting. So yeah, I would like to know the reason behind the name...
As a whole though, I did kind of like this. Your grammar was very good. I did manage to find the odd, dodgy comma though, here and there. Loads of writers have problems with commas, trust me; you're not alone. Mind you, you actually used the commas very well. Except for the commas, there weren't any clear grammar errors. You used periods, dialogue and dialogue punctuation very well. I applaud you for that! When a writer uses grammar in an extremely, offensively wrong way, it makes us readers want to curl up into a ball and cry. It makes me do that, anyway. Although, I can't really judge your grammar precisely because this piece is so short. Write a longer piece and I might be able to critique it a lot better!
Wow, I'm pretty impressed with myself. I've written quite a lot for such a short piece...
Keep writing!
xoxo Skins
P.S Are you and your sister twins...? It's just that according to YWS, you're both thirteen. Just interested, that's all.
thanks guys i really appreciate the feedback
I know I know its a work in progress
My corrections will be in blue:
Okay so besides the common comma (hehe) mistakes, I think you did a good job. Just not the best you can do. So there's this guy and cant find what to say and he sees this girl and says Will u marry me? Ok, I know this was on the spot, but its not very romantic. (figgures, cause guys are NOT romantic). I found myself thinking, "so what was the point of it?"
What I mean is, you didnt describe stuff, no good openers; nothing. bland. dull. What does Evelyn look like? red hair and green eyes?? How does she react?? Besides, how would you find her in the middle of a street? not a very good place to propose....
But dont take this personally, you just need some work.
Chow for now,
sionarama
p.s.
Pretend if Ms. Pamela is reading this
pps
this was a MOST EXCELLENT piece!!
Oh my...there's something ironic, I'm reviewing and I put knew instead of new. Haha, sorry!
Wow, out off the three years I've been apart of the YWS, I've never seen a post so short have so much potential.
This is incomplete, though. I feel like it could be the beginning, but something comes up, or it could be the end with a cliff hanger. It doesn't pull me in, though, because I have no idea what is going on.
I'm not even sure who Evelyn is! Or Tori, and why a guys name is Tori.
Little details like these are what make up a story, sort of like a recipe.
I see that you're knew to the YWS, so this is going to help you get better! If you have any questions, feel free to PM.
I'm not sure how to react to this. It's like a story in a single paragraph!
Where is the conflict?
Story= character with a goal+obstacles/challenges that try to keep them from getting said goal.
This feels like the very end of a story. What happens in the beginning? What's stopping him from getting his goal of proposing to Evelyn? How does he overcome it?
What do they look like? Where are they? Does she like him?
If you answer these questions, you'll soon find a longer story appearing! Sometimes I find that for every question I answer in my head, three more pop up!
So, try it! You have plenty of potential, and I couldn't help but notice the correct punctuation. (Giant plus! I love seeing that.)
If you need help or have a question/post something else for me to review, PM me! I'd be happy to help in any way I can.
See you around!
Lupis