"Stop, stop, Gem stop!" Kali's voice rang like an alarm behind me but the sirens were louder, they were screaming after us, then I heard the slam of car doors and three more pairs of pounding feet coming after us. I was running as fast as my legs would carry me. I could feel my fear fuelled heart pound effortlessly inside me while adrenaline was speeding through my veins like a fast flowing river. I was self conscious that my cream cotton skirt was blowing up in the wind but I didn't bother smoothing it down I just kept on running.
Blake was closing in behind me so close I could swear I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. I was right because a second later a pair of hands were round my waist and shoving me into a side alley. The alley we were in now seemed darker than the one before and the walls seemed closer together.
"Blake what are you doing?" I hissed at him.
"Shut up and run" He hissed back at me. "I'll get Kali, hide in here" He muttered as he pushed me into an alcove covered in shadows.
"Fine...but...be quick!" I whispered. I tried to forget about where I was. The book! Where was my book? I left it at home, I think. Don't matter I just need to focus on blending into the cobwebs and cracked bricks right now. I pressed myself up against the cracked wall forcing my body to turn brown like a chameleon.
"Gem? Gemma?" It was Kali's voice breaking the empty silence.
"Here, behind you" I whispered and pulled her into the alcove. "Hush Kali, Blake will be back in a bit" I hissed.
"Whatever" She said in her normal voice.
"Kali!" I hissed "Hush! I don't know about you but I personally don't want to be flung in a cell, thank you very much" I whispered. I saw a silhouette, the dark outline of a body, it was coming round the corner into the alcove. It was Malcom. He didn't say anything he just stood there, immobilised.
"Christian is coming in a bit just had to gather the stuff" He mumbled after a while. "He knows where to go"
"Right, he better make sure he protects it with his life" Kali hissed under her breath.
"What stuff?" I asked
"Nothing to worry your pretty little head about sweetheart" Malcom whispered stroking my head. I ducked away from his spidery hands. The whispers of the police men were coming closer every breath I took. Saleem bolted round the corner and saw us huddled together in a bunch, he quickly ducked into the alcove and huddled next to Malcom.
"Where's Christian?" Kali whispered with fear laced in her voice.
"They got him" He hissed back. Nobody said anything we just stood huddled together like a load of baby birds but we didn't dare screech. Nobody dared to say anything.
"What about Blake?" I asked hoping he was still running away from the cops.
"I'm here" A familiar voice muttered behind me. I turned my head only to find his face right up close to mine. Blake.
We listened silently as the sirens faded away taking Christian with them. I looked at my watch; ten past three. I'd been here for the whole of school which had finished half an hour ago.
"Guys I better I go" I muttered as my voice cut through the silence like a blade on ice.
"No" Blake said angrily, pulling my arm closer to him. "No" So I stayed put, I didn't dare argue. No one dared to speak as the spiders and cockroaches scuttled over our shoes and into our socks. No one screamed when a deadly torch light was shone brightly into our eyes.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi! Happy Review Day!
I haven't read the previous chapters, but I'll do my best to review this.
So, I noticed you had a few run on sentences, for example:
Read this out loud. Doesn't sound too good, does it? When you have run on sentences it is 1) grammatically incorrect, and 2) seems so fast-paced, and 3) is quite confusing at times. So, just keep this in mind while writing.
I also saw you never had punctuation is dialogue. Here is an example of this:
In this case, a comma is needed after 'go' (or an exclamation point, if it's more exclamatory). In other cases, you would use a question mark or period.
Sometimes, it felt a little fast-paced, and other times it slowed down. I'm not really an action writer, so I'm not sure if I should be talking, but keep your pace consistent nonetheless.
I loved your use of similies and metaphors, and the connections with things outside of the story [metaphors] were very nicely created, or used. This story is nicely written. Good job!
~ EternalRain - Team Ketchup
Hello, Kanome with a review.
Okay, even though I don't know what this whole story is about, it is very interesting to read. I love the heart-pacing, fast-acting scenario that is going on in this chapter.
I have one little nitpick I should share with you:
I could feel my fear fuelled heart pound effortlessly inside me while adrenaline was speeding through my veins like a fast flowing river.
There should be a semi-colon in between fueled and heart. Like this:
I could feel my fear fueled; heart pounding effortlessly inside me while my adrenaline was speeding through my veins like a fast, flowing river.
I shall read the other chapters after this, since this is actually a good story. At least, I think it is.
Keep up the great work. I can see the potential in you as a writer.
Have a nice day!
Can't wait to read more!
Kanome