Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter one – reunited friends
“You Bitch!” Came a loud voice from the bathroom. “Give it back.” The voice continued as the girl in which it belonged to came rushing out into the room, still yelling at a petite blonde girl.
“Oh my gosh. Would you please chill? It’s not like Melanie is going break your dam hair brush Victoria.” This time it was the red headed girl who spoke; her words were soft but to the point. Victoria looked her over once more before moving to the other side of the room and taking seat on one of the beds. The red head pushed her bag to the floor and came to join her on one of the beds opposite Victoria. Wrapping an arm around her Melanie rested her head on the girls shoulder.
“Fine. But if my brush is damaged you’ll be the one who’s buys me a new one, Willow.” Victoria looked around the room, just as the door swung open. Two other girls entered, both girls had brown hair and were of average height. Only after shutting, the door behind themselves did the drop their duffel bags.
“Emily! Addison!” Screeched Melanie, jumping out of Willows embrace she ran across the room to hug the new arrivals. “We were beginning to think that you wouldn’t make it here in time for introductions tomorrow morning.”
“As if we would miss this. The opportunity to join the cult we have all been fantasising about since we were little kids.” Emily said her voice filled with excitement. Both Willow and Victoria now stood and joined the group.
To say it only took a few minutes for the girls to say hi exchange hugs and catch up after spending year’s apart studding the art of Wicca would be a drastic understatement. While in fact they spent hours talking and laughing. Which was to be expected considering as children the five of them had been almost inseparable. Spending every spare moment hanging out together causing trouble and dreaming about one day being invited to join the coven of the elements.
“You know the coven of the elements isn’t specifically for those with elemental power but also includes those with elemental cores, Victoria?” Addison asked, well more stated as the five girls climbed into bed.
“Yes. I know, I was just asking of you had an elemental power what do you think it would be?” Victoria said cheery to Addison. Any anger or annoyance that she once possessed was now gone and replaced with joy.
“Water.” Melanie said confidently, as her and Willow exited the bathroom. The others looked at her in surprise, this include Willow.
“Air. Defiantly air.” Emily answered before looking at Addison. “Which do you think?”
Addison stood from her cushion on the floor in the corner of the room. She had medium brown hair and bright green eyes. She wore a loos white linen shirt with a slit down the front, which she had left untied. Her shirt was tucked into her high wasted black jeans and a pair of dark brown thigh high leather boots. Her outfit was completed with a set of silver dangling crescent moon earrings.
“Earth.” Her voice was light and faded but there was strength in her words.
The girls all looked to Willow, not bothering to ask Victoria, which she thought because quite simple, they all knew if she was any element it would be fire. Willow open her mouth to speak but then shut it again, thinking over her words before she spoke. “I don’t qualify for any of the four elements.” She looked to Melanie before moving her eyes down the floor.
Melanie stepped closer to her, taking Willows hand in hers.” That’s okay, you will figure it out.” She took in a couple breaths her eyes surveying the room. “We should head to bed guys; we’ve got a big day tomorrow, with introduction to the coven and the first two challenges.” Despite her obvious nerves, Melanie remain calm and collected ad well as oddly positive, but the girls didn’t know how long that would last with the upcoming trials tomorrow.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
This is a great concept, but I did see some functional/grammatical errors, if I may point them out:
1. “You Bitch!” Came a loud voice from the bathroom. “Give it back.” The voice continued as the girl in which it belonged to came rushing out into the room, still yelling at a petite blonde girl.
Now, I loved that first set of dialogue, but what would make it flow better would be something like this:
"You bitch!" A yell echoed from the inside bathroom. "Give it back!" The owner of the voice came rushing out into the room, her anger directed at a petite blonde girl.
It's very clear that Victoria is angry, and by using words like "yelled" instead of "a loud voice" really helps to make that clear.
2. “Earth.” Her voice was light and faded but there was strength in her words.
Now, this is an interesting description. "Light and faded" and "there was strength" are completely contradictory to each other. Maybe you could omit "faded" and just go with 'light'?
I also saw a lot of run on sentences. I'm not going to point out every single one, but it would be beneficial to go over this piece again and take a look. (This also goes for grammatical things too, like commas, periods, basic spelling)
Now that I have the criticism out of the way,
I want to say that I love this concept! Each girl is so fun and unique-I really want to see each of their personalities shine somehow! I feel like I know each of them already, and its only the first chapter. I think this is a really whimsical piece, that I loved, despite the slight problems. You did a pretty good job. Settling an exposition of sorts can be hard, especially when you want to hook the reader in and keep them reading. It's very bold, trying to juggle so many characters at once, but I think you can do it.
Cheers, and keep writing!
-mintyleaf.
Thank you
Your welcome!
-ml
Hey EM8650,
That's a nice chapter! a few things I'd like to point out:
Wrapping an arm around who? Resting her head on whose shoulder? I'd write the names to make that more clear.
No need to describe her brown hair again (unless you want to distinguish her from the other girls by describing it more than just the color of it) because you already mentioned it. You write great physical appearances, I'd just describe something else about Addison, at this point.
At the first time I read these sentences, I got confused. No one pays attention to Addison's answer, and it made Victoria, Willow and her mix up in my mind. I'd change it just a bit, something like this:
Who took a deep breath? Willow or Melanie?
There are five names in this story, which is a great challenge for you: not confusing the reader. I liked when you refered to one of them as "the red headed", and it made me keep on track, but then I got lost in the all of them and forgot who she was! Just keep that in mind.
I corrected punctuation and grammar mistakes here, take a look at it in your free time:
https://omer.writerfeedpad.com/1
That's it, I hope some of this was helpful. Keep writing!
Omer.
thank you for the review