Omorose prologue

Okay this is a cool story, what with the gods and everything! While ou may not have held true to the Egyptian myths, this is fiction so that's okay. You made a few spelling and grammatical errrors, but most of them have been addressed in other reviews. I'm only gonna mention one that nobody's mentioned till now. "Thrown" is past tense of throw, not the actual throne that you sit on. That is spelt as 'throne'. Just clearing that up. Anyways, nice story, it seem really interesting! I like how you made it that the gods of both Greece and Egypt exist in the same realm and rule together. Please keep writing!

I love the story, especially about gods! All you are missing are some basic commas here and there, and you misspelt some things, it might be due to you writing it out your phone. For most of it I just did formatting, but you dont have to use it.


The night was cool as the wind blew through the tall mans short hair. (man's short hair)

The darkness around him was his only comfort as he traveled the abandoned streets. The cracked side walk and half in tack buildings showed signs of the gang war that had taken over the area years ago.
(This sentence seems a little awkward and trippy to read through *my preference* especially the "half in take buildings"; might I suggest,
"The cracked sidewalks, along with the barely intact buildings bears the mark of gang wars that ran through the area years ago." )

The land had been promising a few centuries before but now it had been overrun by the greed of humanity, but then again when had that never occurred? Men drove by in their black vehicles but none could see the cloaked man due to the spell he was using.

The only sign of his presence was the chill that would shoot up your spine as he passed you by. His tall frame would have been intimidating if he was seen by mortal eyes. His broad shoulders and thick neck showed signs of his years as a warrior. His hands were covered in callouses from the years of gripping his wooden spear. His eyes sparked like an orange flame with the threat of death, but he knew he could no longer control such forces of nature. He had lost his rank as controller of death many years ago.

In his hands he held a infant, not older than two months, wrapped in a gray blanket. The only amount of skin showing was her face and even now she was sprouting some hair. As the wind blew over her sensitive skin she would stir at times but with a few gentle worlds from the one holding her she would return to the land of dreams. A few houses littered the over grown grass but only one was his destination. At was a Victorian style that had seen better days. The roof was starting to collapse and there were only stains of were the paint used to be. Upon closer inspection there were no windows left un smashed or a rail with out being spray painted. A fallen beam was hi last obstacle as he carefully went under it. Standing he check his infant who was still asleep.

He was now in the main entry way of the home as he looked at the discarded bottles and cigar buds.

"I never though I would see the day you would have another heir Anubis." A purring voice said from the darkness."No wonder you have been gone for a few years, you have been busy."

A growl left his lips as he starred into the darkness.

"Show yourself Bastet!" he ordered. There were no footsteps as she appeared. Her yellow cat eyes sparkled making a drastic difference from her dark brown skin. He waist long hair was jet black and pulled back into small braids. He outfit was definitely from the Egyptian era with her long flowing white dress. The top had two sleeves and a weapon was wrapped around her waist. It was a whip but it had not seen flesh other then hers for many years.

"You're no fun." She pouted as she approached him. Glancing at the infant she tilted her head in curiosity. "May I hold you precious one? After all I am her aunt."

"No you may not. Now where is Zeus?" He asked in a bitter tone.

"He is on his way; you know when he gets into it with Hades it gets ugly."

Anubis gave a bitter chuckle at her words. "Last I checked we lost the city of Atlantis due to their last encounter. I thought Poseidon was going to kill them both."

With a flash of light a tall muscular man appeared. Bleach blond hair touched his shoulders and semi bear chest. His clothing was an ancient Greek tunic with sandals. With light gray eyes and a large build he was intimidating alone with taking in the scar across his chiseled face. It was a dull dark red scar that was a big contrasts from his light skin tone.

"You summoned me Anubis." He asked in a gruff voice that held a hint of thunder.

"Yes Zeus." Turning he faced the ancient God head on.

The Gods eye brows raised in surprise at the sight of the little bundle.

"You have another heir." He observed earning a nod from Anubis. Reaching out a collosal hand he gentle touched her head that had a small tuff or brown hair. A small smile crossed his face before it faded away. Pulling his hand back he pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"You know the rules about matin with mortals." He growled as he looked at Anubis.

Yes, but this one was different."

"You said that bout your last wife and she produced a greedy son who took your job!" Lightning filled Zeus's eyes as he his hands became fists at his side.

Bastet quickly intervened as she stood between the two Gods.

"Calm down bolts. Last I check you had a son with a mortal not even a thousand years ago."

It was true. Zeus had taken a mortal mate during the eighteenth century. They had produced a son, a fine young man that would make any immortal proud. With his fathers determined gray eyes and his mothers demonic black hair, and the courage of a thousand warriors he was looking to be a good heir.

Zeus grumbled under his breath before speaking up. The talk of any deceased mate was hard even for a God.

"Times were different back then Bastet. We were at some form of peace with the underworld," He shot a glare to Anubis," You know what Osiris will think. He will see her as a threat to his thrown! he wills tart another war and we cannot afford that right now."

Anubis nodded, his body felt numb as he held his daughter. Giving a heavy sigh he knew what needed to be done.

"That is why I have come to seek your aid. Osiris has killed my daughter's mother in cold blood. I fear he will do the same to her." Bastet laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Clearing his throat he continued. "Luckily I do not think he knows of his new sibling. She was hidden in the closet when I returned."

"I am sorry brother, I wish I had known." Bastet said as she looked at the ground.

Anubis shook her hand off as he took a step away. "That is why I have asked you two for help. I do not want my daughter to be raised in our world filled with war. She is far to precious, so I want you to take her immortality."

Bastet gasped before looking at him with angry eyes. "Anubis! This is her birth right you can't just-"

"He is right." Zeus interrupted, "The child has no chance if Osiris finds out about her existence. with her immortality and powers gone she wont be a threat to his thrown."

"Then let as do the ceremony." Muttered Anubis as he handed his daughter to Zeus. HOlding the child in his larg arms Zeus hesitated for a moment.

Clearing his throat he began the chant.

" By the ability of the higher power I remove the curse of your blood. From this day forth you shall live the life of a mortal. May you rise with the sun and fall with the moon." A silver glow surrounded the child. She stirred for a moment but didn't wake.

Handing the child to Bastet the two men waited. With a heavy sigh Bastet began her own chant.

"As a mortal you have no right to the powers of the stones. With my words I strip you of your title as the daughter of the after life. May your fire of power extinguish and a hole form in your soul. Let the stars protect you and the howls guide you. Let the moon be your comfort."

This time a white glow surrounded the child and this time she didn't stir but it was clear her powers had disappeared. Taking his child Anubis left without another word. Walking the street he watched his sleeping child. Her gentle olive skin was glowing in the light of the moon. Her brown hair tuft gently blowing from the wind. Gently touching her small face he wondered if her eyes were going to be like his, a unnatural orange, or like his deceased wife with her hazel eyes.

He did not realize how far he had walked till he arrived at his destination, Ms. K's Orphanage. Sitting her on the steps in her blanket and a open box. Leaning in he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "May the stars watch over you and the moon guide you path, Omorose." Giving a quick knock on the door he turned away and quickly disappeared into the night. Hiding behind a building he watched as a plump woman came out. Dressed in her night gown she gave a gasp before picking up his child. It tor his heart to leave her so young, but this was just a extra step to insure her survival.

Turning he disappeared into the night. He wondered the streets trying to resist the urge to return and demand his child back, but it was to late. She was now a mortal a being with limited time on this planet. Wiping away his tears he looked to the sky. The moon was full unlike his broken heart. He gave a howl of sorrow that was answered by his followers far off in the mountains. A puff of smoke was his last sign of being there as he returned to the land of the Gods.


Again I really love the story, I didn't bother doing the tiny punctuation as you probably wont be able to see them anyways, but I'm excited to see how it progresses!

It's an interesting idea, and I really hope you continue it! Some parts are worded a little weird, there are some punctuation/grammar/spelling issues, but that sometimes happens to the best of us! But I'm intrigued by the idea and would like to read more!

Longest prologue I have ever read!

“The night was cool as the wind blew through the tall mans short hair.” You are using a lot of adjectives in just this one sentence; I suggest you remove the word “tall” from this because it seems unnecessary. Between the “n” and “s” in “mans” you need to put an apostrophe.
“The cracked side walk and half in tack buildings showed signs of the gang war that had taken over the area years ago. The land had been promising a few centuries before but now it had been overrun by the greed of humanity, but then again when had that never occurred?” There is a lot of information in just these few sentences, you should try and slowly tell the reader what is going on, not tell them everything at once. This part is hard to understand: “…but then again when had that never occurred?” The wording in it is weird.
“The only sign of his presence was the chill that would shoot up your spine as he passed you by.” I suggest for you to take out “would” and change “shoot” to “shot.”
“His tall frame would have been intimidating if he was seen by mortal eyes. His broad shoulders and thick neck showed signs of his years as a warrior. His hands were covered in callouses from the years of gripping his wooden spear. His eyes sparked like an orange flame with the threat of death, but he knew he could no longer control such forces of nature.” Try and blend a few of these sentences together so they don’t seem so choppy.
“In his hands he held a infant, not older than two months, wrapped in a gray blanket.” Change the “a” before “infant” into “an.” Change “not” to “no.” After “wrapped” you should put a describing word like “tightly” or “loosely” so the reader has a better mental image of the baby.
“…face and even now she was sprouting some…” Change “even now” to something like “despite being an infant she had already started to sprout some…”
“…few gentle worlds…” Instead of “worlds” it should be “words.”
“At was a Victorian style that had seen better days.” “At” should be “it.”
“A fallen beam was hi last obstacle as he carefully went under it.” “Hi” should be “his.” It says that it was his last obstacle but before this sentence you never mentioned that there were obstacles.
“Standing he check his infant who was still asleep.” “Check” should be “checked.”
Comma after “darkness.”
“Her yellow cat eyes sparkled making a drastic difference from her dark brown skin. He waist long hair was jet black and pulled back into small braids. He outfit was definitely from the Egyptian era with her long flowing white dress. The top had two sleeves and a weapon was wrapped around her waist.” You might want to go add some details to her description that will make her outfit different from a regular cliché outfit.
“With a flash of light a tall muscular man appeared. Bleach blond hair touched his shoulders and semi bear chest. His clothing was an ancient Greek tunic with sandals. With light gray eyes and a large build he was intimidating alone with taking in the scar across his chiseled face. It was a dull dark red scar that was a big contrasts from his light skin tone.” Like I said before, blend these sentences because it’s too choppy. “Bear” should be “bare.” “Contrast” should be “contrasts.”
“"You summoned me Anubis." He asked in a gruff voice…” Change the period after “Anubis” to a question mark. Between “me” and “Anubis” there should be a comma. “"Yes Zeus."” Between those two words there should be a comma. “The Gods eye brows…” It should be “god’s”.
“Matin” should be spelled “mating” or if you are trying to give Zeus an accent write it as “matin’” with an apostrophe at the end. You forgot the quotation marks in front of “yes.”
“"You said that bout your last wife and she produced a greedy son who took your job!" Lightning filled Zeus's eyes as he his hands became fists at his side.” It should be spelled “about” or if it’s an accent “’bout” with an apostrophe in the front. “"Calm down bolts.” Capitalize the first letter in the nickname “Bolts.”
“With his fathers determined gray eyes and his mothers demonic black hair, and the courage of a thousand warriors he was looking to be a good heir.” Get rid of the “and” between “eyes” and “his” and replace it with a comma. “Mothers” should be “mother’s”.
Okay, this review is already very long so I’m going to stop here! I would suggest that you look over this again and correct you spelling and punctuation mistakes and perhaps even rewrite some parts. It’s an interesting story though, so I hope you continue it.
Happy Writing!