On The Road (Chapter 1)

Thank you Azila~~!!!
I don't really know what to say,but i always thank people for their advise!So again,thank you!!!Hehe~~~Yeah,I almost forgot that you are going to review my novel,cause it has been a long time since I online.Anyway,thank for your review!!!

Hi!

Firstly, I'm sorry that this is so late. I promised you a review a long time ago and I feel bad that I haven't given it to you until now. Secondly, I'm really sorry if this review sounds overly harsh. People here on YWS can give brutal reviews sometimes, but if they (we) do, it's not to be mean to you personally. It's actually because we care about you and want to help you improve.

Okay, so I know other people have said this, and you seem to know it too, but you really need to work on your grammar. It's hard to read something if the verb tenses keep switching and you can't understand what the author is trying to say. Also, (and I'm sorry if this sounds mean) seeing a story with bad grammar makes me assume that the author doesn't know how to write, so I don't have very high expectations for the story itself. It took me a little while to realize that this story actually has a lot of potential, because I was so caught up in the annoying grammar. I'm not going to correct every mistake, because other people have done that and I don't want to be repetitive, but I do want to encourage you to look really carefully over your work and correct any mistakes you see. Also, if you don't have a very good understanding of grammar, I suggest you read. Read a lot. Read classics and new novels and memiors and whatever else you want to. Take note of sentence structures and how writers use verbs. English can be very confusing (is it your first language?) but I really think the best way to understand it better is to read it. The way people talk isn't always correct, but the way people write is--or it should be, anyway. ^.^

That aside, I really think this does have potential. I'm intrigued by the guilt Jason feels (I wonder if it actually was his fault that his mother died...) and I like how the dynamic between the characters is developing. The only part that bugged me about that was Jason's sudden change in attitude, when he agrees to go with his father. I understand that he was supposed to reach that conclusion after seeing the hurt and the loss in his dad's eyes, but I still think you could develop that a bit more. Maybe add a paragraph where he thinks about how his father is so fragile, and how without Jason he might fall apart (emotionally) or something like that? I just think a little bit of elaboration there would go a long way.

Another thing is to be careful not to overuse your exclamation points. They can have a great, punchy effect if they are used sparingly, but when you use them too much they reach a point where they make the writing sound a little cheesy and unrealistic. Be careful with that. Especially in the dialogue.

Well, that's about all I can say. The major thing you need to work on is your grammar, because when that's off, it distracts from the actual story.

Again, I hope you don't find this review too harsh! I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to help. If you have any questions or comments or anything about what I've said, just write on my wall or send me a PM and I'll get right back to you.

Hope this helps!
a

Hey Meep~~~Thank you for your advise~~~ I changed the follow already. I really love you all guys for giving me advises~~~Thank you Meep~~~

By the way, can I know who like this book? I knew there were two people. One is me and the other...? Or is there a way I can view? And also the reading list? Thank you all for your big support!!!Love you all~!!!

~~~Love, Dylan

Hi Dylan, I'm here to do a brief review.
1) The part where he abruptly has a change of heart about moving, is unrealistic. Try to make the decision-changing more gradual.
2) Your grammar needs to improve, as pointed out by other reviewers.
3) Your character's thoughts need to be distinguished clearly. I suggest using italics.
4) Birds and Dolphins do not need to be capitalised, I think.
5) "Followed (past tense) by a scream"
6) The ending consisted of two sentences, one almost redundant. I'd suggest you join it up into a single: "Jason was too terrified to scream."

The plot has potential to develop, so that's good. Just work on your language and expressions (they sometimes sound awkward or robotic), and you're good to go.

~Meep(:

BAbe~ Thank you for your advise~~~!I did change a little bit of my novel. And I admit that my grammar is not good . The verb and past tense thing, I also admit that I'm always mixing them all up.Any way, thanks for your advise~~~!!!I am gonna post chapter 2 later~~!!! Feel free to read~!!!

~~~Dylan

Imaginemymind,i also thank you for your comment and advise~~~!!!Thank you for your overall!Must be tough for you~Hehe~~~
Your overll section:
1. Oh, about the bad ass thing. Yup, I'm gonna write Jason as a really really bad, bad ass.The sensible thing is after an incident.
2.The something that a father would say thing(The purple colour words,go and check it out), yup, that is what my dad told me when me consider moving this early year,but we didn't move~~~
3.And the Jason=Her,she and not him, he is because I myself kept getting confuse of the main character. Actually, the character Jason is actually a girl at first, but I changed it into a boy later. that's why I get confuse.(And you get confuse too,hehe~~)
4.I also admit that my grammar are really REALLY lousy~~!!!Hehe~~~ Anyway, thanks for your advise~!!!I will be definitely asking for your help~~~!!!Y'all americans have such good english~~~!!!Hehe~~~

~~~Dylan

Hey DylanRay , Here to review !

My correction will be in purple

The Birds are flying freely in the Sky This sentence got my attention. But only because I assumed he was out like on the beach or something. Maybe try to modify it so that it goes with the surrounding he's in because from what I understood this has nothing to do with the story except for metaphorical reference . The Dolphins are swimming happily in the Ocean. Jason has always dreamt that if he can be one of them, wouldn’t it great? Being the sky, the feeling of the cool breeze is so good and to watch over the world. Being a bird, having the freedom to fly with their pair of powerful wings, soaring in the sky. The ocean, the feeling of the sea waters that wets your toes and body. The feeling is like love. It is not something, we can just describe with words. Be a dolphin, well, he cannot explain why he wanted to be a dolphin. However, seeing them swimming in the ocean, hearing their laugh sometimes really made him wish he were a dolphin too. I kind of just touched on this but this paragraph doesn't tie very much to the rest of the story. Except for the fact that they're moving to Malibu, but then again they aren't actually there yet.

Jason lay on the sofa. He kept thinking of how miserable his life is. How desperate he is. Why do we have to move? He keeps thinking about this. Why? Why? Why? Jason can’t understand why. Your verb tenses are somewhat confusing. They make the story harder to read.
“Ah!” He heard his brother screaming. Yeah, even a 7 year-old child can’t accept this kind of news, how can a 17 year-old boy accept it? (Even a 7 year-old child can’t accept this kind of news?) Take that out . You already said this (:
“We are moving to Malibu!” Jackson, Jason’s brother came running out of his parents’ room. His dad came out too, leaning on the door. He looked at Jason. When I first read it , I though the brother's name was Jason so it didn't make much seen until I realized it was JACKSON haha. Maybe you want to think about changing that?
“See? Even Jackson can’t accept this moving thing… space between the ellipses He is so sad. Poor guy…” Jason said with a very fake-sad-tone. I'm sure you can find a better descriptive word
“Yes!” Jackson screamed again. Apparently, Jason knew that he was wrong. He sigh sighed . . .…
“Jason…” His father came and sat beside him. “We know it is Sounds better if you just say it's hard for you to accept this new. But I need to work. I know you have friends here, but when you get there, you can make new friends.” I liked this part. It sounds exactly like what a father would say (:
“Can’t I rent an apartment and stay here?” He asked again with a less sympathy tone. That last sentence didn't fit much . Try something else
“Jason… no ellipses but a dash . So it would be "Jason -" since he'd being interupted” His father wanted to say something but Jason interrupted him.
“I can work! Go find a job! I’m seventeen now! I can! No need for the exclamation points.” Jason said confidently.
“Oh Jason…You know that we can’t let you do thatObviously when you read on you find out his mother is gone. So who would the we be?. Jason please…” His father said. Through his eyes Not really needed., Jason could see that his father has Has should't be used there. I think you might have meant had a lot of stress. At least he thinks so. His father is an author. He writes, writes and writes. He had been working for a lot of late nights This bit of information would have been better if it wasn't just told to us. Maybe if his father himself mentioned it while he was talking to Jason it would fit better.. He doesn’t want his dad to worry about him anymore.

“Fine dad! I’ll go! And with no worries! Again the exclamation points aren't needed (:” Jason smiled at him. Obviously Jason is doing this for his father, so it's all an act. Put more emotion into it.
His dad was surprised. “Really…? Jason! I always knew that you are my good boy!” His dad smiled cheerfully and hugged him. I don't know if you meant to do this, but the father seems kind of gullible. If this wasn't meant that way then make the father like hesitate
“Dad! Dad! ” Jason called out. “Oh! Sorry!” His dad lets go of him and smiled.
“Okay, I’ll go and start packing now! The lorry I've never heard of this before . What is it ? (: is coming this afternoon!” And his dad started to walk into the room.
“Okay!” Jason replied. In this part you use the exclamation points again. Don't. I used to do it too and it gives people the illusion like your characters are yelling.

Suddenly his father turned to him and said softly Take the softly part out and put it after what he said. In other words reword it.. “Jason, your mother will be so proud of you…”
Jason looked at him in his eyes. He knew that his dad misses his mum very much.
He replied softly and nods his head. “I know…”

Later that night, Jason started thinking about what had happen this morning. He cannot stop feeling guilty about it. It is all because of him. If it wasn’t because of him, mum may would be Take the be out still alive. He felt like crying. However, he stopped his tears from running out his eyes. He blinked Either take this sentence out or the previous one . Having the same thing said twice is redundant . He rolled over his bed and opened his laptop. He started typing something.
This is what he typed: Never do that ! Show not tell.
We are moving to Malibu. I can feel that dad is sad. Even though I don’t know why. Jackson seems to be very happy about this moving thing. Today, when dad turned and look at me, I can feel that he misses mum. For some reason, I always think that mum is still here. I feel guilty too. I am the one who killed mum. If it isn’t for me, she wouldn’t die. Sorry mum.

It is his diary. His diary in his computer I think of a blog when I hear this. Is that correct?. He always wrote things in it no matter he is sad or happy. But it is a diary right? Jason thinks that if you call it a diary, you have to write things in it every day, otherwise why call it a diary??? I find a journal serves the same purpose (:

Jason lay down again This sounds like a command. It's your veb tenses again .. This time, he closed his eyes. And before he knew, he is already sailing away in the ship of dreams…

“Jason! Jason!” someone’s calling him. Jason slowly opened his eyes. He is lying on the ground.
Slowly, he stood up. He saw many people. Many people are around him If he sees alot of people it inferred that their around him.. There were women, men, children and teenagers. Where’s No need for the apostrophe s . It's just where am I? Jason asked himself. I think I’ve came to this place before…
He looked around and found out that he is in…Manhattan?! And he is shocked to find out that he is in the middle of a zebra-crossing! Zebra - crossing in Manhattan ? Is that what the name suggests or is it something totally different? .
He turned to the direction where someone called his name just now. He turned around and looked.
Mum!?
He is so happy! He immediately ran towards her and hug her. But he thought there’s something strange about her eyes. Even though Jason is right in front of her, it doesn’t feel like she’s looking at him. And her eyes, her eyes seems to be terrified.
And all things makes sense again when Jason hugged her. His hands slipped right through her body!
“Mum?” Jason looked at her. He turned around but only to saw see that her his mum totally ignored her him and kept on running towards a boy. Her His mum seems to be chasing him.
Jason looked carefully at that boy…He thought he recognized him…The boy that her his mum is was chasing is was him!

Jason looked frighten. This is exactly what had happen a year ago! Same place, same people, same time Never mentioned anything about time. If you're going to put this in here you might want to mention if it's noon , midnight, sunset, sun rise etc.and the same accident!
Jason knew exactly what is was going to happen next!
He then heard a loud bang! Follow by a screaming voice. He turned around and looked.
Her His mum! He saw her lying in the middle of the road. There was blood…Blood all over the road…
Jason was terrified! He is was too terrified to scream!

This was an interesting beginning of a story. I have a couple of nit picks I'd like to point out.

Also, welcome to YWS...allthough I'm newer than you.

Jason has always dreamt that if he can be one of them, wouldn’t it great?

It is not something, we can just describe with words.

Be a dolphin, well, he cannot explain why he wanted to be a dolphin.

Jackson, Jason’s brother came running out of his parents’ room.

. Apparently, Jason knew that he was wrong. He sigh…

His diary in his computer.

And all things makes sense again when Jason hugged her.

Hope you guys like it! Thanks for posting your comment~!!!
Step~~!!!I re write it again~~~!!! Please read it and give me your advice~~!!!

~~~Dylan