I was thinking this could be the start of my new novel. What do you guys think? I do write quite slowly which is why there isn't much of it so sorry about that but should be more shortly. I know it needs bulking up a bit but its just the first draft.
One
The woman in the photograph was staring back at him, her eyes full of joy. She had in her arms an angel faced new-born that was wrapped in a white hospital sheet, its eyes closed and thin hair still stuck to the top of his head.
A tear escaped Adrian’s eye and flowed down his cheek as he studied the picture. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to,” the woman next to him said, her voice slowly weakening. “But how could I? I didn’t want to lose you.” Her hand reached over and clutched his, gazing into his eyes.
Adrian returned the stare before ripping his hand away. “That’s bullshit and you know it! You could have told me anytime you liked.”
“Please Adrian just listen to me.” She pleaded, edging closer to him along the sofa. “I’m still your mother.”
His expression changed to a piercing glare. “You’re not though are you? That’s the point. I just can’t believe you’d do this to me, pretending to be my mother. Who gives you the right?” He spat the words out, pointing his finger as if aiming the words like bullets for full impact.
“I did it for you Adrian,” she placed her hand on his knee, “can’t you see that?”
Adrian shot up from the sofa, smacking her hand away for the second time. “You did it for yourself. No-one else!”
“No, no - ” she shook her head, staring up at him. She had her hands clasped together, praying.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey, DwahnePipe,
Okay so this is a good piece. I just suggest adding more details about the photograph itself and more about Adrian. Add his age so we know how long he's been thinking this woman was his mother. Maybe more on the setting also, like are they in a kitchen? is a television on? stuff like that, it will add to the story.
Others have already corrected the little grammar things I found so I won't repeat.
Overall this is a good start. I'm eager to see where it'll go.
~Dommy
Personally, I don't believe this should be the beginning.
]
I found it plain, and it just seemed like you were throwing me into a random situation, expecting me to piece everything together and hope it came out the way you intended.
I'm sorry if I sound rude, but I can't think of any other way to put it
But you did say this was only the beginning, and it's still early so there's plenty of time to fix it.
[And maybe I'm over-reacting and you have a brilliant idea in mind
Now onto spelling and/or grammar
As far as I know, it's just new born. No hyphen necessary.
It's not Adrian is, so no apostrophe.
[p.s. if any of my grammar is wrong, I'm sorry, but that's how I've been taught
Hello. I am Here as promised. This is a very interesting piece. I didn't really find anything wrong with it except:
After me, should be a comma.
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After knee should be a period and can't should be capatilized.
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As you said, it was short. I don't really feel like it was enough to hook the reader. It was very well written, don't get me wrong. Just you left too many un answered questions that you are probably going to answer later on....ignore me if i make no sense haha....
Questions like: Who is in the picture? where did he get the picture? How old is he?
That type of thing.
Good Job here. Pm me when you get something else.