Young Writers Society

Hey Dustin...
I wrote one for you too.
Peace.

Wow, I really like your poem! It really expresses how you feel about the girl. But throughout the entire poem, you were talking to the audience, but suddenly at the end, you started to talk to the girl herself

There are many words that we can say,

With simple breaths guiding the way;

Letting out sighs to a point past indulgence.

Your lust is just pure folly.

Hey there Dusty! Thank you so much for the reviews on my poems! I figured I should review you too . Thanks for the kind comments as well. I promise not to be too harsh... I think xD.

Anyway! The way you open didn't strike me as appealing at first, but as I read through the poem, I realized that the way you opened is the perfect way to open this. Bravo, dear.

I met this woman,

She had beauty beyond compare;

My hands start to wander,

My eyes begin to stare.

Late at Dawn when you taste me, Honey,

To leave tomorrow by the hour of Dusk.

For with this passion,

Comes something new;

Late at Dawn when you taste me, Honey,

Remember, falling in love is only for a few.

Feeling your skin with my compassion,

Now tell me, who are you really?

There are many words that we can say,

With simple breaths guiding the way;

Letting out sighs to a point past indulgence.

Your lust is just pure folly.

I really like this poem! I think you did a good job on your punctuation, it makes it a lot easier to understand and makes your poem better, so good job with that! I especially like this line:

DustyFreeman wrote:There are many words that we can say,
With simple breaths guiding the way;
Letting out sighs to a point past indulgence.
Your lust is just pure folly.

Hello!

First off, I really like this poem I think your really going somewhere with it. You have good grammar and punctuation, but I did notice a few errors:

I met this woman,
She had beauty beyond compare;
My hands start to wander,
My eyes begin to stare.

Just like in a book or story, the first sentance/line/paragraph is key to grabbing the readers attention. The first line: "I met this woman," isn't very strong. I suggest you alter or change it in some way. The last part of the line is awesome though ("My hands begin to wonder, My eyes begin to stare") even though its a little out of order, because wouldn't you begin to stare before you hands started to wander?

This is a secret,
Yet this is sweet;
Our shadows hidden,
Yet in the morning,
We slide back on the silky sheet.

For with this passion,
Comes something new;
Late at Dawn when you taste me, Honey,
Remember, falling in love is only for a few.
Feeling your skin with my compassion,
Now tell me, who are you really?

Now tell me, who are you really?

Paint an illustration of despair across my haunted face,
With a simple touch I quicken our pace;
You made me feel so alive, your skin is starting to glow,
Here's the full drive, with this we have them grow.

It's a must to reach for something that's real,
But, Girl, this love was just a feel.

Yet, I ask myself, who are you really?
I feel my eyes open, and I've been calling.
I find myself weak, now tell me this;
Who are you, really?

Our answer is, I am your lover's lust,
To leave tomorrow by the hour of Dusk.