Published February 6, 2009
I met this woman,
She had beauty beyond compare;
My hands start to wander,
My eyes begin to stare.
This is a secret,
Yet this is sweet;
Our shadows hidden,
Yet in the morning,
We slide back on the silky sheet.
For with this passion,
Comes something new;
Late at Dawn when you taste me, Honey,
Remember, falling in love is only for a few.
Feeling your skin with my compassion,
Now tell me, who are you really?
There are many words that we can say,
With simple breaths guiding the way;
Letting out sighs to a point past indulgence.
Your lust is just pure folly.
I dedicate to you,
Something of iniquity and yet...who?
I leave the bliss in my lover's pillow,
The aroma of secrets start to billow,
We are two lovers the world never knew.
Paint an illustration of despair across my haunted face,
With a simple touch I quicken our pace;
You made me feel so alive, your skin is starting to glow,
Here's the full drive, with this we have them grow.
Now I imagine a second without this lust,
Fire burning upon this piece of consequential rust;
Fighting for the weakness,
Lurching to the point of dread,
It's a must to reach for something that's real,
But, Girl, this love was just a feel.
Yet, I ask myself, who are you really?
I feel my eyes open, and I've been calling.
I find myself weak, now tell me this;
Who are you, really?
Our answer is, I am your lover's lust,
To leave tomorrow by the hour of Dusk.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,622 Literary Works • 672,052 Reviews
Hey Dustin...
I wrote one for you too.
Peace.
Wow, I really like your poem! It really expresses how you feel about the girl. But throughout the entire poem, you were talking to the audience, but suddenly at the end, you started to talk to the girl herself
I doubt "your lust" is referring to the audience's lust. Anyway, I really think that this poem was a master piece.
Hey there Dusty! Thank you so much for the reviews on my poems! I figured I should review you too
. Thanks for the kind comments as well. I promise not to be too harsh... I think xD.
Anyway! The way you open didn't strike me as appealing at first, but as I read through the poem, I realized that the way you opened is the perfect way to open this. Bravo, dear.
So! Dusty, I know that you're tickling rhyme here, but! The proper way to use "compare" in this poem is "comparison." So, I would suggest rewording the surrounding words so that it doesn't feel so... space-y
Is there a reason that the D in Dawn is capitalized?
Same thing here, why a capital?
* * *
Let's see...
• Use fluent, common language!
- Using the word "for" doesn't always work. It has to be ready for usage when you use it. Otherwise, it's going to sound like you just threw it in there to sound intricate, but! That makes it sound flowery and deadwood-ish. I would strongly suggest dropping it, but it's up to you
- Watch the way you speak! Your tone of voice jumps, once, twice, and thrice in this paragraph. You're informing us. You're speaking to them. You're speaking to them again, yet in another way.
Don't want to lead your audience to confusion!
• Watch your thought-wording!
- Sometimes, in writing we have thoughts in our head (because writing is way more than just putting letters on a blank spot!) that get kind of mixed up when we put them on paper. We have the clear image in our minds, but the reader can't always intrepret them the same way, you know? Just make sure that your language is fluent.
- There were some spots in this that bothered me. Like, for instance, here:
Like, at first, you're talking like... to US, meaning the audience, but when you get to the last line, you're talking directly to your lover.
Also! That last line isn't actually fair! Think logically; if the lover is serious about this "lust" then how is it fair for you to tell them that it's just a game?
• Overall:
You captured the feeling very well here-- great, great job with that, dear. You sustained it (and our interest!) to the very last line.
Brilliant!
June
I really like this poem! I think you did a good job on your punctuation, it makes it a lot easier to understand and makes your poem better, so good job with that! I especially like this line:
I thought it was the best line; it just really let me picture and understand what you were saying and trying to depict in the poem. Keep up the good work!
Hello!
First off, I really like this poem I think your really going somewhere with it. You have good grammar and punctuation, but I did notice a few errors:
I met this woman,
She had beauty beyond compare;
My hands start to wander,
My eyes begin to stare.
Just like in a book or story, the first sentance/line/paragraph is key to grabbing the readers attention. The first line: "I met this woman," isn't very strong. I suggest you alter or change it in some way. The last part of the line is awesome though ("My hands begin to wonder, My eyes begin to stare") even though its a little out of order, because wouldn't you begin to stare before you hands started to wander?
Your rhythm gets messed up with "Yet in the morning,"
I'm not sure if "Feeling your skin with my compassion" exactly makes sense. It sounds kind of like an out-of-body sort of experience. Maybe try "Feeling your skin with compassion"? Also the "Honey" in the line before makes it kind of corny. And do you mean "Late at night" instead of "late at dawn" - "late at dawn" sounds kind of flip flopped.
I think that you should repeat this line more through out the poem, especially because it is the name.
I like how you have a climax in your poem
This rhyming is forced, and i suggest you nix trying to rhyme throughout the piece. pluse "But, Girl, this was just a feel" does not make sense.
The ending is very beautiful, it has a sweet finatlity to the piece. But some of your rhyming throughout this sounds a little forced. I suggest changing "I am your lover's lust" to either "I am your lust" or "I am a lovers lust" or something different because it doesn't really make sense.
Overall its a beautiful piece of work. The changes I suggested should be very simple to fix. PM me if you have any questions.
<<<CF>>>