I will be fine as long as you need me;
Fighting against the ones who deceived me,
My brightest star flashing across the eye
Dost thou wander the streets alone?
Drenched in spots of liquidation; 5
Lay your eyes upon thine,
Search for the reflected sky.
O'er the oceans power with a starry delight;
Listen to the waves,
cast your life upon thy shadow. 10
Bountiful Maiden come,
into my humble heart;
A pathway of love as she leans into me,
I have forgotten the pebbles along the way of this deserted road;
The hand I hold is yours alone, 15
For they have been hurt and crushed in return,
I long for happiness and you are what I yearn.
Telecommunication between the Mistress and I,
Our eyes do not wander and this is no lie.
A taste so sweet, you leave and I quiver, 20
Your warmth be displaced, upon this I shiver;
Bring me close to yourself, lend down your lips,
Whisper the words that made me begin this.
A starry night with your reflected wavy of thy wonder,
Two beasts of desire and lost hope, two whom may not compare. 25
If you ask me to change, in reply I say "nay",
For I am in love, and in love I stay.
Hold me upon thineself, for this is our day.
Indigenous and lost beyond fighting your fate,
Towards something I see, towards someone I have grown to hate. 30
Understand this, and do not forget,
I love thee, and with thee I stay,
For I am in love, I feel it each day.
I am a man of iniquity despite my love,
I live each day with the God above. 35
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
The first time I read this, the numbers confused me. Then I realized they were to mark the lines and I read it over again. Your work here is truly breathtaking. You don't really have a rhythm, but that's part of what makes it beautiful. What some people don't understand about poetry, is that there are no "laws" for lack of better word. Poetry comes from within, and you captured this and let it flow in your poem. Great job!
The numbers really confused me. They honestly were not needed, they were quite distracting.

Overall, this poem was really nice and well written, keep writing poems because they are very good and you have true potential.
Wow and a million times wow
That was great
The same as the other commenters is what's with the numbers?
Shakespeare used them and it goes with the language but I would lose them
It messes up the prettiness
That's like the only thing though
I absolutly love your writing and can't wait to read more
Er... numbers? They're to mark the lines right? Why are they needed. I threw my concentration off.
Anyway, I second the lovely poem comment! This really was beautiful. Wonderful choice of words and great rhythm and flow.
beautiful, beautiful poem. Loved it completely
Nothing really to critique here......
Except, what's with the numbers?? Only thing I didn't understand completely.
Gosh gold star! ( I felt like an idiot saying that)
XoXo~AsH