Young Writers Society

I agree with requiemjaysus, I really like the idea of the dreaming and the cement and all. But it kind of seems like it needs more...

Thank you everyone!
I think I jsut have that problem of rhyming.
I love to rhyme, but I also cant.

The scheme of it all.
Just like an evil plan destined to fail.

I do like the idea of the sleep and dream bringing the idea back to cement. but the patterns are very akward.
A couple of simple mistakes like "past" (i believe he/she wanted pass, and as mentioned "lives") do not change the plot, or the mood conveyed, I respect the creative effort and would like to read what the author writes for pt2

This was definitely a good start. I like the way you used the cement as a theme throughout. You need some practice when it comes to rhyming – a few of the lines felt very forced, like they’d been deliberately manipulated so that you could use a word that felt right. It’s fairly common, though, so don’t worry about it too much. As a rule of thumb, try to keep your sentences so that they are grammatically correct, or at least clearly intelligible to the reader. Rhyme can and should be sacrificed for meaning XD

Another thing I found was that I really didn’t get the point of this poem. Part of poetry is expressing an experience to the reader and, hopefully, getting them to experience it along with you. The poem started out well, but then it became kind of cryptic – I got the sense that only you really understood what you were talking about. What did dreams and nightmares have to do with anything? Why was the past broken? You need to make sure things are clear to the reader.

Darko has explained most of the other pertinent things, so all that’s left is to congratulate you on a good effort, and say that I look forward to seeing some more of your work out there

Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles

DustyFreeman wrote:In the cement,
We etched our lives. http://writing2.richmond.edu/writing/ww ... colon.html Here you can learn to properly use semicolons.
Both with our hands,
And the years of her life. Lives and life aren't rhyming. You see, when you pronounce lives, it's liiiiiiiiiiiives (long), but life is just LiFE(short) and the letters aren't matching also.

Yet, as time came to past,
We said all of our goodbyes;
The cement is drying fast,
A broken past in your simple eyes. I don't think that "simple" is the word you wanted to put here. Try something else.

And in the end,
We all come back.
Back to this place,
Where we let our nightmares attack. This verse is too long if you compare it to others in this stanza.

As you lay in your bed,
As a simple dream runs through your head;
There goes your life hanging in the air,
Back to the place we began. Again too long or too short. Try to keep a similar syllable pattern through the whole stanza. Like 6-8-6-8 or 8-8-8-8. You have 5-9-9-7 here (if I counted right.)

In the cement,
We etched our live. I believe you wanted to say lives and it was just the spelling.
Both with our hands,
and the years of her life.