I wish you were here in the morning to wake me with a kiss and sweet words.
I wish you were here in front of the school to hug me at each new dawn.
I wish you were here so we can cuddle together under a tree and tell it our deepest secrets.
I wish you were here after school to kiss me goodbye until tomorrow.
I wish you were here at night to hold me tight and sing me a lullaby.
And I wish you were here so that it can start all over again.
But that won't happen because I will probably never see you again after next week...
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First I would just like to say LET GO OF THE ENTER KEY. sorry that bugs me a lot it is my poem peev. I think this is a very short poem and it could use some separate stanzas and a few more lines. but even if it does have separate stanzas I couldn't tel because of your enter key happiness. So it does have a good idea, but i would like to see more of why you won't see him again. Is it because school is ending? Is it because they're dying? Are you dying? I'm not sure. So you might want to add in a few lines as of why you're going blind. Other than that is is just fine and dandy. I like this because it also connects with me in the way that I have had to say good bye to someone I still wish was here so I guess that draws me into a more positive side of evaluation.
Primary problem: It reads more like a paragraph, a paragraph of someone just telling someone else what's happened.
It could just as easily be formatted this way, with some speech marks.
I agree with those who said that the repetition isn't effective and I agree with those who said you need to show and not tell.
You need to find a more creative way of retelling this. You need to use better descriptions which are more interesting and more original.
This is how I felt also. I've seen a few poems like this on this website as of late. It's not adding anything really strong to the piece.
Besides that, the piece is just a bunch of collective thoughts strung together. I'm not one for complaining about that kind of thing, but It doesn't leave anything to the imagination of the reader; no imagery, really, and no real emotion comes out of this piece. I think you should try to go through it, figure out what you really want to present to the reader; what images flash through your mind when you write this? Put them in the piece, so that the reader can see what you're seeing.
At any rate, that's all I can think of.
Yes, I agree with Josh here.
Repetition can work but only up to a point. In my piece, "Lake", people found it effective because I changed it slightly at the end. Observe the rule of three! Excessive anaphora (starting each sentence with the same phrase) becomes monotonous unless used skilfully and with control, such as in Blake's profound poem, "A Poison Tree."
My biggest gripe with this is that it lacked SHOWING. There was so much telling in this that I couldn't bother to read it carefully at first: I simply skimmed through it. This is not want you want to do as a writer. As a writer, you're always looking to pull your readers into the action of your language so that they can savour every moment of it. One way to do this is to include more arresting imagery. Instead of blandly stating:
"I wish you were here in the morning to wake me with a kiss and sweet words."
Try:
"I wish you were here in the morning to pull me away from the darkness."
This sounds a bit long winded, mainly because of the passive 'was/were' expression at the start (another feature of telling). Get rid of this; replace it with something else. Sense imagery is particularly useful:
"I wish I could feel youpull me away from the darkness,
Your blind lips finding mine, soothing them, caressing them."
See how this feels much fresher and more immediate? I'm not summing anything up for you; I'm trusting the audience to understand what is happening and leaving it to their imagination to fill in the blanks. I'm SHOWING.
The ending also needs more work to create a better impact and leave the reader with a lasting image that remains in their minds.
Overall, with a bit of revision and careful editing, this could be brilliant.
Good luck!
Gahks
(At the moment, I'm giving you a 4/10. With these tips in mind, you can get this to a 7. I know you can do it!)
I felt it was very repetitive. That is not always a bad thing, but in some cases it works and in some it doesn't. I felt like it didn't but please understand that's just my own opinion. Also, I felt like it was going to lead up to something big at the end, but it kind of slid off a little. I was a little disappointed.
It was, in a sense "cute" but in another sense it did not want me to keep reading. I have seen your other writings and I just don't think this was up to par with the other ones. I think you are an amazing writer and I know you can do a lot better.
Keep writing.
Josh
We meet again, Dustfinger
I just reviewed your other poem.
The word "beginning" sounds too long for this line, so it doesn't flow very well.
It's "tomorrow", with two r's.
Nice rhyming. However, leave some empty space between "a" and "lullaby".
"Won't". And why won't she see him again? The ending is a little abrupt.
I can see you're a girl of short poems. You've got nice thoughts, so I'd like to read longer poems. But if this is what you do, I can't complain. See you around!
Best wishes,
Demeter xx
It's very repetative. Perhaps it could be reworked somehow, so that you get the point across in a more effective, less repetative way?
I like the idea though -- probably because I write a lot of similarly themed things.
Merry writing ^_^
~Bella Bambina~
I think there was only one thing I would change but otherwise it was good.