Published June 11, 2008
***I think this one is much better than the first one. And feel free to Review and state your opinion.***
"Malountic Teelious Panactos!"
My heart picked up its pace as I pushed and squeezed through the crowd. My mind became even more alert as I detected the faint loud-speaker which had just annouced the boarding of the flight I was to embark, upon the vessel Lanapoluceek. The rough fabric of the common milbouk clothes i had stolen rasped my forhead raw as I pulled the hood down even further upon my face. The sun was peeking shyly behind its blanket of clouds, illuminating the royal city, Licoto. And I cannot even see my Chiouso!(family) "Hohawg!" I staggered in the swift movement of my running.My heart! It felt like it was lit on fire! I pushed the thought of my family away in the deepest and darkest corner of my soul, where It was almost impossible for me to see. But, as hard as I tried, I could not stop the tears.
They rolled down my face. Ugh! Im sure those damn tears are smearing my disguise.[i] I had coated my face in mud to hide the shine that lived under my skin, as any other Heightic Milbouk.(Royal milbouk) [i]Oh! Why tears!? Why now!? I grinded my teeth, hoping to stop the flow. It did none of that. the tears kept on spilling, water escaping through a crack in the dam.
I looked over my shoulder every few steps, like a common fugitive. I was lost in my thoughts, How frustrating to be crying in the middle of an escape! But this time, it was not the usual faces in the crowd, but something else caught my eye, pulling me away from my frustration and locking my mind and body in terror. Behind me the crowd was thinning out in record time, all covering their nose. An icy hand crept up my back and grabbed at my neck. I knew that hand very well. It touched me every time a Qualukate or their hideous Nolsa approached. and that was exactly what was happening. My feet were planted to the uneven road, and my hand reached up instinctively to the plate size medallion that hung at my neck.
But than again my mind had a switch to confusion as I want sailing trough the air. Hu?!How could this be? I could not be flying for the Qualukates had burnt my wings. Maybe I do not need wings to fly! Maybe it lives in my blood! A smile crept up my lips, as I enjoyed the feeling of cutting through the air. Wait...Something ison't right.. The way I was soaring through the air sideways and the cartwheels! I didont remember anything about cartwheels when I flew!!!
"Splat!" On my cheek lay something warm and moist. Hu? I reached up with trembling fingers. Brown!?! And then my earlier assumptions were confirmed as I landed butt first into a mud puddle."Ouch!!!" Things like that always had to happen to me! I got up and started sprinting to the vessel ramp that was now in sight. My heart fluttered. Almost there! But then curiosity held me back as to how I had come sailing to where I stood a moment ago. I turned back and found that I had to lift myself up on the tip of my toes to look over the crowd. I had not realized I had come this far! A big, no enormous Milbouk stood there. No wonder! But I didont take anymore time than that.
I reached the retreating ramp and then I was lifted off the ground. I looked up at the person who had grabbed me, "Hashkü!!!!" He glanced down and smiled briefly befor his eyebrows creased into a concentrating frown. I looked back to where I had been a few seconds ago. And then I saw THEM.......
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Hi Dustfinger!
Hmm, I don't know about this for an opening. It is very forced on the reader, and it makes them struggle. It turns away a reader when it should be the hook.
'My heart pace quickened' would work better.
Periwinkle has said most of the other grammar errors.
But yes, I have to agree with her. There was a lot of forced action here, and without having a clue who these people are, where they are and what they are doing, I have no idea what's happening. Remember, the reader knows nothing about these people, powers and things. Spend a few moments adding some basic features, perhaps just appearance or something.
There were also a lot of rough details, excessive exclamation marks etc.
Do some editing, see you about!
I. NITPICKS
II. WHAT’S GOING ON?
Sure it’s fun to create fantasy worlds with different names, phrases, powers, etc. but when writing you need to have some sort of explanation so your readers can understand. I personally understand very little of this and all of your phrases meshed together because I had no understand of anything.
I advise you not to immediately jump into fantastical stuff in your stories because it confuses the reader and makes them want to put it down. It makes our brains hurt trying to figure out from the little clues with have what everything means. I also suggest that you don’t immediately start out with an action scene like this because fighting, running, and etc. are usually confusing scenes and it’s just a terrible beginning. Try starting off when the burned her wings or when she’s with her family - or maybe even show her while she’s on the run, but don’t immediately jump into an action scene try setting the scene first so the reader can get a feel for your story.
III. SETTING THE SCENE
As I said before you need to set the scene when writing. I have no clue what’s going on and it doesn’t help the fact that I don’t know where she is. For all I know she could be in a desert, in Italy, in a library - I don’t know! All I know is that there’s an airplane and some people
Give some brief descriptions. Is the floor slippery? Is it hot? Is it cold? Is the plane big? Are there a lot of people? Give us something to work with and imagine.
IV. OVERALL IMPRESSION
I thought that this piece was very rough and is need of editing. I can really pass judgments because I don’t know what’s going on nor do I know anything about the plot. Just don’t immediately jump into action, as I said, and show us more about what’s going on. PM me if you have questions or concerns.