Published May 31, 2008
What draws me back, I do not know.
But bring me down in such an anger,
Like a piercing arrow.
I will not try to avenge them,
But i can not help feeling hate, and revenge.
But the love, Oh, the love!
A flock of crows, with one single light,
A dove.
And if you listen to your heart carefully,
You can hear a soft sound,
LIke a whisper, when the snow falls down....
A whisper, when the snow falls down....
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Hmm, this is very cliche, with the whole dove thing and piercing arrows. Which greatly weakens this peice as an idea that had some potential into a mess of cliches. My advice would be to avoid cliches at all cost when editing this. Work on making you're message bit clearer and expanding on this would help a lot. For the theme, it doesn't give it justice. Poetry should make us feel the emotions of person. My suggestion would be plan to change this, strengthen this. Lose the cliches and remember show the readers, not tell them. Show.
Overall: It has potential, just rework it, and we'll see how it is after a big edit.
Good luck
VSN
hey.just to answer your Q. Um...well...about the free speech or rhythmic writing, well i didont have a specific way or anythiing so when it does rhime, its usually just cause it poped in my head. i dont really pay attention to those things.
And, ja, i did kind of had the idea of a war in the back of my head when i wrote it.
Im glad you liked it tho!
It gives me confidence. Im new at this. so comments help.
Thanks guys!!!
*very grateful*
Why is dove in italics? Why is love in italics also?
You don't beed them to be in italics.
But the whole poem you got here is not bad at all actually in really thought it was good.
I saw no problems so keep it up.
GordonRamsayLuver
I thought this was very well written. I felt like it was very original and it spoke to me. Now I thought at first you had a sort of a rhyme pattern going on here, and then it seemed to switch into free verse. I am not sure if that was what you wanted for the end or not, but I was just letting you know. Another thing; I thought it was a little short. I would have liked to hear more about the avenging of "them." I do have a question. Is this about war? The line "I will not try to avenge them" struck out to me and I was trying to understand who "Them" are. Other then that, well done.
hello, well I do like this poem, it's pretty great. But, I did catch some errors. In the fourth staza you wrote i, not I you see? Well that's the only error I really saw. But I liked to poem and hope to hear more from you soon.
-Max