Published February 18, 2015
A/N Hey guys! Thanks so much for reading, this started out simply as a very basic idea, and i've managed to work on something that i'm very excited about! if you want to get the full effect of what happens here i highly suggest you check out the first part here: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/Dustbunny... Don't worry it's just as short ;)
“Ow, geez!” yelped Connor, he shoved his scissors back in his desk with distaste. He held up his thumb and examined the damage. It was a small cut, but enough to hurt, a lot.
He looked up and saw that everyone else in class was packing up and dressed for the cold walk to the car or to the house. In Connor's case, it was to the house. Deciding to go ahead and get started with his four block trek he grabbed his book bag and got ready to go.
The cold air hit him like a brick wall, it was cold. Very cold. Connor shivered and then took a deep breath, the faster he walked the faster he could get home. He started out the door when a girl rushed past him, he stopped and let her through and just as he was about to go again, another girl came chasing after the first one.
“Hey Macy!” said the second girl loudly trying to keep up with her friend. Together they walked off down the street. That meant if two girls could survive the snow, then so could Connor.
He took off at a quick trot, his jacket hood over his head and his hands shoved down deep in his pockets to keep them warm. He had made it one block when he slipped on a patch of ice and with his hands in his pockets fell flat on his face in the snow. However just because it was snow didn't mean it was soft. He yanked his hands out of their pockets and picked himself up wiping the wet snow off his face.
“Are you alright?” asked a voice from what seemed to be nowhere. “Considering you seem to be fine I'll assume you are indeed 'all right' I don't know why people ask that when they can generally clearly tell when some one is or is not, 'all right'”
Connor froze, not from the cold but from the voice, not only could he not find the person it belonged to but it also sounded... Familiar...
“I'm here.” Said the voice, Connor turned in the direction it came from and saw a boy crawl out of a snow bank. Why he was there in the first place, Connor wasn't sure if he wanted to know exactly. The boy that was sitting up out of the snow bank was familiar it was, it... was...
“Parker,” Said the boy reading Connor's expression “I am Parker, I'm in your class actually.”
That's who it was, Parker, the strange kid at school who only showed up when he felt like it and when he did nearly always ended up in a fight with one of the popular guys and answered every question in class.
“Hey,” Connor said slowly, what was he supposed to say? He didn't know Parker that well at all.
That's when out of the blue Parker reached out and grabbed Connor's neck and covered his mouth and yanked him down into the little hole in the snowbank that he had been hiding in.
“Shhh!” He said seemingly irritated that Connor had no idea what he was doing. “It's them.” He muttered “Can't let them see me as I'm supposed to be in my room hating the snow and practicing knife throwing while upside down.”
Connor peaked his head up just enough and saw two girls walking by.
“My Macy's got a man!” said one of the girls bouncing up and down like a best friend way interested in their bestie's love life.
“What is going on?” Connor whispered to Parker who sat watching them intently.
“All in good time my boy, all in good time...”
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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
After reading the first story and comparing the characters in this new section, I would have to say that I see Connor and Macy being a better match than Parker and Macy. But there may be more to this story that I have not yet seen. It almost seems like Parker and Macy's friend are setting these two up to get together. However, I may be over thinking it, which I have a habit of doing.
I have to say that I thought the characters within this story had more to them than in the previous portion. There may not be much of a difference, but they seem to have more to them. I can tell that Parker is a bit of a rebel and that Connor is a more level headed character, which fits well with their dynamic. Almost like Connor is being drug down the rabbit hole with Parker in the lead.
Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to the continuation.
Happy Writing!
Hey Dustbunny14, just got to this tonight after work. Thank you again for linking me to this story.
The bold section should have a period or semi-colon instead of a comma. Remember to separate independent clauses; that way, you don't create run-ons.
I recommend a dash (-) here. (Apparently I really like dashes.) I think the phrasing would flow better aesthetically with a dash rather than a comma.
I recommend having a semi-colon (;) where the period is. This is more about flow.
Put a comma in between trek and he; this is because Decided to go ahead and get started with his four block trek is a dependent statement. There's a natural pause after it. (Plus, I like the flow. Can you tell I talk about flow a lot? xD)
I recommend that you write this as The cold air hit him like a brick wall; it was cold - very cold.
This is just more nitpicky grammar/flow stuff, but I think you'll find it useful.
Semi-colon in between breath and the.
This is quite a run-on sentence. For a quick-fix, I recommend that you change it to He started out the door when a girl rushed past him; he stopped and let her through. Just as he was about to go out again, another girl came chasing after the first one.
However, stylistically, there are many ways you can re-write this small chunk.
Slight confusion here. They were rushing past him, but now it seems like they're calmly walking. I suggest putting a lively verb/adverb in place of walked. Perhaps something like bustled or even briskly walked. This is more of an opinion point.
I suggest making it sound more of an inconvenience that he slipped on some ice before heading home - perhaps a more subjective tone? The first quick-fix that comes to mind is He had only made it a block before slipping on a patch of ice and face-first into snow. Perhaps you can introduce his hands being in his pockets when you explain how he picked himself up. This reduces your chances of a run-on.
I recommend rephrasing However...it was soft, simply for conciseness.
Comma between up and wiping.
Comma between 'all right' and I.
Period at the end of that as well.
Period in place of the comma, and add a comma between to and but.
Lowercase s in said.
Replace comma with a question mark.
Not sure if the ellipses are completely necessary here.
I personally this might sound better with commas and written out like a list, but the change is your call. This is just another one of those opinion things.
Period, and then start a new sentence with Connar's thought.
Some of the excess stuff can be discarded, and it can be made into another list. Another opinion point.
Comma is needed because natural pause.
This is one of those flow/opinion things.
Usually when you do something just enough, it's just enough to... whatever. Like, I ate just enough vegetables so I could eat my desert.[i]
The wording seems weird without the [i]too in there. How ironic that you put this line in there. xD
I thought this piece was cute as well. The ending is sort of strange, but I'm thinking that's what you're going for. I definitely want to read more, so keep sending me links!
Most of my advice for flow and grammar will often lead towards what I would typically do when writing in a certain situation, so I'll usually try to explain why I chose to "correct" what I chose to "correct" in the way that I did. I'm all for clear, concise, and descriptive writing; I liked to choose the way I phrase things carefully, so you'll see a lot of comments regarding "flow" (in case you haven't already). I hope you glean a lot of ideas from my review, and please keep sending me links if you decide to continue!
Heya Fizzy here for a review,
So to start out let me tell you that I have read the first part of the story and I understand this more now.I like how you switched to Connor's POV now and so we see it through different eyes.
This kind of seems like a filler to me,with no real purpose although if it does add to your plotline then that is great! I was pretty confused on what happened here but I did like your style of writing, it was very nice. So to get the point let's start and jump in:
This metaphor in my opinion doesn't really match that well because it just doesn't make sense:
Although I know what you are trying to say, how is the wind like a brick wall? That is what I don't understand and I would suggest that you fix this up and just maybe say: "A blast of frigid air hit his skin (ooh-I like that a lot
This is a really obvious sentence that you could cut out because it's not needed.Simply put this is logical and obvious, we know that the snow isn't going to be soft, right?
Put a comma after: "Hey, Macy! " so that this will be grammatically correct.
Also please take a look at the bold in this sentence:
I very much disagree with this, most people actually hide their true feelings around other people and so you can't tell how they are feeling. So I would either cancel that out or rephrase this.
You don't need all of these ellipsis here:
Just backspace the three dots so it reads: "but is also sounded familiar." That looks better and it grammatically correct.
I really liked your ending, a cliffhanger:
I hope that this review helps and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing and I hope to read the next installment soon!
~Fizzy
Hey again !
I can't wait to see how this will all trurn out.
I'm rather excited to see that you've made a follow up !
The good parts of this story.... Again,like your previous one, it's very realistic and engaging .The dialogue is perfect and everyday. The featured characters are way too adorable and difficult not to love ! I like your vocabulary, it's quite strong. Then again the vocabulary adds to the imagery, and imagery adds to how nice of a read your story is. And it is a lovely read indeed! The flow is fantastic, and I think you have mastered your own little formula of how you space this story out (division into paragraphs and the likes) .As you intended, your piece is funny and enjoyable for teens! Enjoyable for anyone probably !
Now the small errors (because there isn't anything wrong here, really!) .
"In Conor's case, it was to the house." perhaps could be changed to "... ,it was a walk to the house." I personally think that that just might read better.
“Considering you seem to be fine I'll assume you are indeed 'all right' I don't know why people ask that when they can generally clearly tell when some one is or is not, 'all right'”
So there should be a full stop between the first 'all right' and I don't know. It's probably just something you accidentally missed when you we're typing .
"I'm here." Said the voice, Connor turned..."
The letter at the end of a dialogue should be small and you should have a full stop after 'voice' . So it will look like ""I'm here" said the voice. Connor turned.. " I think you made some of the letters capitals at the end of a dialogue all along the second half the piece. That's not anything major !
"“My Macy's got a man!” said one of the girls bouncing up and down like a best friend way interested in their bestie's love life.". This sentance doesn't read so well I think. Could you possibly see where you could make slight changes ?
Apart from that I can't really see many mistakes in your piece !
Great work ! I have to say I'm impressed ! The second part of your story definately deserves a like from me. I already love your style of writing and I look forward for a continuation.
Did I just post a blank comment under your work ? Whoops ! Sorry about that. I'm on my phone and it's incredibly difficult to type !
Anyway, hope to hear from you soon !
~FromWithin
Hey thank you so much for reading! I use my phone too and leave blank comments all the time! Thanks again! I'll defiantly work as hard as I can on upcoming parts!