“Hey, Macy!” Laura
said loudly trying to keep up with her friend
, “Where are you
going?”
Macy didn't stop walking, she kept trudging through the snow in her less than warm school uniform. The only thing that kept her from freezing was a caramel brown leather jacket.
“I'm going to go visit a friend.” She replied holding a straight face and doing her best to avoid eye contact with her friend. Laura pursed her lips in a curious smile. She wasn't going to walk away that easy.
“A friend you say...” She mused tapping her lips with a finger thoughtfully “You haven't been hanging around after school so much, and you've been spacing out a lot lately, I think someones got a-”
“No.” Macy said flatly making Laura frown.
“I didn't even finish,” She objected “what did you think I was going to say?”
“I KNOW you were going to say boyfriend.” Macy said continuing her brisk pace “I don't have a boyfriend.” Laura giggled to herself.
“I was gonna say dog. Like, maybe you had a new puppy, but, boyfriend, puppy. Same thing right?”
Macy smiled, that's why Laura was her friend, however she still wasn't going to tell. Not willingly at least. Definatley not willingly. There was going to be a brick wall between Laura and the answer to that question, nothing could get through it.
“Are you gonna hit him with a snowball?” Laura asked casually walking beside her.
“Parker doesn't really like the
sn-” Macy frowned as she realized her careless mistake and
watched her brick wall fall apart in front of her. On the other side
was an imaginary Laura doing a victory dance. Then in real life there
was Laura doing a victory dance. She bent over picked up and handful
of snow and threw it up into the air like confetti.
“I knew it!” She cried gleefully before squealing and shoving her now cold and wet hands into her pockets muttering dark curses about Jack Frost.
“My Macy's got a man!”
She said bouncing up and down like a best friend way too interested
in their friend's love life. Because that's exactly what she was.
“I'm so excited!” She
continued squealing “See, now I need a boyfriend and we can go
on double dates. Then we can go to the park together and get married
together and-”
“Whoa there!” Macy yelped jumping back a few steps and eying her friend with some caution. “I think you're more excited than I am.”
“Is that bad...?” Laura asked sheepishly, possibly blushing as well but her cheeks and nose were red from the cold so it was hard to tell.
“Nah,” Macy said putting her arm over her friend's shoulders and pulling her close, “Come on, let,s go see him, but he's really not my boyfriend.”
“He's your puppy!” Laura giggled and Macy smiled.
“Yeah, he's my puppy.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This was a cute story. And possibly the beginning of a pet name. I like the dynamics between the two characters. The best friends that try to hide small secrets but can't because their friend is kryptonite.
My only complaint is that the characters don't seem to have much depth to them. I realize that this is a short story and there isn't a lot of time for depth, but they are very flat. It isn't like your other works where even a few lines of dialogue is enough to impact the reader's entire view of the character.
All in all the story was well written and very cute. I am interested to see what the future holds in store for puppy.
Happy Writing!
I liked that the story is about two girls and one of them knew something was wrong with her best friend.
I liked that it was during winter.
I liked that Laura thought Macy had a boyfriend at first.
I liked that It was short and funny.
I wonder if they'd show the puppy in the middle or end of the story.
I like this piece. The cuteness and lightness brings me away from all of my tiredness. It is wonderful to read something delightful once a while, isn't it?
The way you did your dialogues is wonderful. Dialogues are possibly the second hardest thing ever in the universe when it comes to writing, but the tone and words you used for them are just right.
Again I am happy with the atmosphere you created- fun and cheery, with the help of tone of your characters. If I really had to pick something else it might be the need of more details and imagery. Describing more about the environment they were in might help the creation of atmosphere.
Just a note about dialogue punctuation, though I suspect that they are just typos.
“I'm so excited!” She CONTINUED squealing “See, now I need a boyfriend and we can go on double dates.
squealing “See,
I think you would need a full-stop there, but that is just one tiny mistake. Just not type too fast and I am sure you will remember to put it back.
Being a short piece, it is always hard to provide details, and therefore I hope we can read more about Laura and Macy, as well as her 'puppy'! Happy writing and happy review day!
Thank you so much!
I really like the concept of this piece. It's cute and humorous, which is what I assumed you were going after. Just because I've been typing so many papers lately, my eyes spotted a few spots that could use some fixing/modifying.
I suggest turning the comma into a semi colon or a dash (-). I kind of lean towards the dash a little more because this sentence is more connected to the previous one, but they're both independent of each other at the same time. Personally, I like dashes because I feel that sentences can flow together without the eyes being interrupted.
I had to read this part over to kind of understand who was saying what without mixing the two characters up.
First, I think know should be changed to knew, so that it reads "I KNEW you were going to say boyfriend.
The other bolded taglines sort of confused me at first; I think it's because Laura giggled to herself. was right after some digalouge, which just automatically registered in my mind "Oh, Laura is the one who said that." This might just be my brain being accustomed to a certain style of writing. However, if you want to change it, I suggest starting the next paragraph/section with that line, and then Laura's dialogue.
This is just one of those things that jump out at me after I see it. After being drilled in 8th grade about joining two independent clauses, I will never forget my English teacher always saying, "semicolon however comma," for as long as I may live. The word "however" is typically used to start the beginning of a new idea/independent clause, but continues on from the previous sentence(s).
Example:
The word "however" is typically used tos tart the beginning of a new idea/independent clause; however, it continues on from the previous sentence(s).
Nevertheless, you can also use a period instead of a semicolon (you see what I did there?). You can get away with commas if you use FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, for, so).
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like this last part takes away from Laura's character, at least what we've seen so far. It's kind of a cute and funny addition to the end of a sentence, but also a little out of place. From what I got in the beginning of this story/scene, Laura is super enthusiastic about, what I can imagine, everything - especially Macy's new boyfriend. This is more of a "Maybe it's just me," ordeal, but I personally thought it didn't flow as well.
Of all the things I enjoyed in this piece, I loved the simplicity of the scene the most. If you have any follow ups to this, please let me know! I would enjoy reading more of your work that's like this. PM if you have any questions about the review. ^.^
Hey, thank you so much for reading! Thanks for the advice as well! I really appreciate it!
Hi there ! I'm here to review
Congratulations on your first short story ! Well done. I shall start with the good things first.
The opening is rather well done, and I'm interested to read on as I look through the first few lines. Then I notice that the dialogue is nicely written, and it does a great job revealing your characters from the way they speak. And since I mentioned characters, they are indeed very realistic. I can imagine them perfectly as two ordinary friends, and a real - life scenario ! The piece has a flow of it's own, which is another good point to your short story. The descriptions are vivid but not overpowering. The language used is simple but nevertheless used smartly, adding to the coherence.
So the bad parts... There really isn't many ! The few words "Friend's","Watched","Macy's","Continued" show up as links for me and just redirect me to the Green Room for some reason. Or maybe it's just my computer being weird! But if they are actually links you should consider fixing that.
"...less than warm school uniform" could possibly be changed to "less - than - warm school uniform" for easier, less disjointed reading of this sentence.
"I didn't even finish" is missing a full stop at the end.
Also, "what did you think I was going to say ? " should be a sentence begging with a capital letter. As you can see, nothing really to point out!
Overall, nice short piece that deserves a little like ! Your style of writing is nice and I will definitely take a look at any other works you would like to publish.
Good job !
Until next time!
-FromWithin
Hey thanks so much for reading! I honestly have no clue whats up with the links thing, it happened once while i was posting it but i just thought it was a problem i was having but i guess not, thanks for telling me!