Young Writers Society

"SAM

Andy, I think [you’re] taking this Gollum thing a little too far.

GOLLUM

What’s Andy, precious?"
---

I started laughing so hard at that I thought I was gonna die. Very well done! It's funny without being forced and long without being boring. The rapper was perfect!
More Legolas would be funny, and references to the fandom could add humor as well.
I really hope you continue it!

Thanks, Fontroy. I had alot of fun writing those pieces.

That was magic espectilly like the rapper sevrvant stuck in the wrong age, an when Sam started piling on stuff to Frodo, an the healer dudes *breaths*.

We even included a card game...Go Fish, I think.

I just made my first post today. I felt daring. And hesitant, too. I haven't posted anything recent, or even a story. Hm...

~Jacquie~

Are you serious?! that's funny!

I guess great minds think alike

You know what's funny? Some friends and I did exactly the same thing...most of it anyway. We did it with Harry Potter too, only it was a musical.

~Jacquie~

lol. thanks for reading.

This is uber- long, but it's hillarious. Legolas was great (you are so mean to him ) and I loved the "rapper servant stuck in the wrong age". Great job!

Yeah this is really good you should have the Fellowship of the Ring to?

Thanks y'all.

Ceylon wrote:THIS IS SO GOOD!!! OMG! Do you have one for the Fellowship of the Ring? I want to read more of your scripts

It's like most of the story is invisible. I can scroll up and I won't see anything, but when I scroll down, I can see a couple of things. It's weird.

Because...its invisible?

Hehe, that was long...but good, yeah, it was good. I liked it a lot. Took me a long time to read, but the humor made up for it. Really great.

...why can't I see any of it?

THIS IS SO GOOD!!! OMG! Do you have one for the Fellowship of the Ring? I want to read more of your scripts

*smiles* thank you. I'm glad that you liked it.

Wow, you're a very good writer!

ROTK script (sort of) Part VIII
One year later the Shire has been fixed up quite a bit and the four Hobbits are walking through the woods.

SAM
(to Frodo) Isn’t that pack kinda big?

FRODO
Compared to the one that you carried around Mordor? No.

SAM
Well, yeah. But I thought you said that we were just going on a picnic. What have you got in there?

FRODO
Just what I’ll need for the next hundred years.

SAM
What?

MERRY
Hey, Dude, isn’t this the Grey Havens?

PIPPIN
Look! There’s a bunch of elves! And Bilbo and Gandalf! Next to a boat.

FRODO
They’re going to Valinor, guys. And so am I.

PIPPIN
Oh.

MERRY
I see.

SAM
You’re leaving? Like forever?

FRODO
Yeah, I’m sorry. I’ll miss you guys.

SAM
But, Mr. Frodo, I thought that you would stay in the Shire for a good long while.

FRODO
Me too. We set out to save the shire, Sam, but not for me. The ring has left too much of a mark.

SAM
But, Mr. Frodo, Please don’t go.

FRODO
Oh, Sam, don’t be such a turtle. You’ve got life left to live here. But it’s time for me to go. (gives them all a hug and then climbs on the boat with Bilbo and Gandalf. The boat leaves)

SAM
So we’re the only one’s left? The last of the Fellowship.

MERRY
Yeah…

SAM
But at least we’re all together. And we’ll be together forever.

MERRY&PIPPIN
(start to look guilty)

SAM
Together forever in the Shire, with all the green trees and the flowers and

MERRY
Um, ya know that’s all fine. But, um, I have to go back to Rohan. I swore them my service, you know.

SAM
You’re leaving?

MERRY
Yeah.

PIPPIN
Me too. I have to go back and be part of the Tower Guard in Gondor. Aragorn will be expecting me.

SAM
You’re both leaving me?

MERRY
Sorry. (walks off with Pippin)

The elf runs across from left to right behind Sam, carrying Gimli’s axes. Gimli runs across chasing him.

SAM
(sits around thinking)

The elf runs by in front of Sam, carrying Gimli’s axe, with Gimli chasing him. Gimli run s past in the other direction, carrying Legolas’ knives with the elf chasing him. Healer Woman’s Daughter In Pigtails runs past in the opposite direction, carrying Gimli’s axe and Legolas’ knives, with both the elf and Gimli chasing her.

GIMLI
Give those back!

Sam is oblivious to it all.

SAM
Well, I guess it’s time to start McSamwise’s. (walks off)

Camera fades out.

ROTK script (sort of) Part VII

Fade in on the Hobbits, all packed and ready to go. They have lots of sword-type stuff with them. Faramir and Eowyn as also packed, though considerably less laden. Aragorn and Arwen are waiting to see them off. Gimli and the elf stand with them.

ARAGORN
I guess this is good-bye.

FRODO
Yeah… good-bye.

GIMLI
I’d salute you with my axe, young hobbits, but I seem to have misplaced it. (looks suspiciously at Legolas)

PIPPIN
(sniggers)

MERRY
(looking in Pippin’s pack) Hey! What’s this? (pulls out Gimli’s axe)

PIPPIN
Merry! Don’t!

GIMLI
Ah-ha! (grabs the axe from Merry and shakes it at Pippin) I’ll teach you young hobbit!

PIPPIN
(smiles innocently)

MERRY
(pulls Pippin away)

The hobbits walk off. After 3.7269 miles:

SAM
Now, Mr. Frodo, we’re on our way home, I’m going to clean out my pack now. (sits down and opens his pack. Pulls out moldy food) THIS stuff went bad a while ago.

MERRY
I was wondering what that smell was.

SAM
We don’t need that, or that, or this! (throws a can opener, a rubber duck and a squirt-gun over his shoulder)

PIPPIN
(discreetly, picks up the squirt-gun)

SAM
(throws a bunch of stuff over his shoulder in a blur, followed by 25 cents)

FRODO
Now, Sam! We might need that if we need to make a phone call.

SAM
Sorry, Mr. Frodo. (picks it up again. Throws more things over his shoulder and then a Palantir) We certainly don’t need THAT.

FRODO
I still can’t figure out where you got that.

PIPPIN
Hey look, Merry! A marble!

SAM
(throws a few more things and then closes up his pack) Okay, Mr. Frodo, let’s go.

MERRY
Yeah, quick before we get arrested for littering. (turns and bumps into Policeman)

POLICEMAN
Right… (writes on his pad) littering… resisting arrest…

SAM
Now wait just a minute…

POLICEMAN
(looks Sam over) I remember you. (steps carefully out of Sam’s way)

The hobbits walk past Policeman, looking at him strangely. About ten feet away, they turn and wave. Cut to Gimli and the elf in Minas Tirith.

GROUPIE 1&2
(enter)

LEGOLAS
(gasps and hides behind Gimli)

GROUPIE 1&2
(act normal)

LEGOLAS
(peeks out, looking confused) Aren’t you supposed to scream or something?

GROUPIE 1
Oh, please. We are so over you.

GROUPIE 2
Yeah, We like HIM now. (points to Gondor Dude 2 who is standing akimbo and flexing while the rest of Legolas’ Groupies stand around him)

GROUPIE 1
(to Legolas) So when are you leaving exactly?

LEGOLAS
(looks confused) Um, I, um…

GROUPIE 1&2
(give him “yeah whatever” faces and walk off to join the other members of Legolas’ Groupies around Gondor Dude 2)

LEGOLAS
Uh, yeah.

GIMLI
Leggy, can your face wear anything other than a confused _expression?

LEGOLAS
Well, I, uh—

GIMLI
Never mind. Let’s go. (exits with the elf)

Cut to the Shire after nightfall, just as the Hobbits enter. All around are very un-hobbity houses and very few gardens.

PIPPIN
They sure have made some changes about the place.

HOBBIT 1
(runs up) Hey! Who are you? Go away! Can’t you read the notice: No admittance between sundown and sunrise?

SAM
Well, of course we can’t read in the dark, you turtle! And if you’re not going to let Shire-folk come into their own Shire, I might just tear down that notice when I find it.

OTHER HOBBITS
(enter murmuring)

MERRY
(recognizes one of them) Ho there, Hob Hayward! (assumes Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age attitude) Sup, dawg?

PIPPIN
(stares at Merry)

HOB HAYWARD
Wha?

MERRY
(realizes what he just did) Drat! I knew that Rapper would rub off on me if I hung around him too long.

HOB HAYWARD
Who are you?

MERRY
Merry Brandybuck.

PIPPIN
Merry Brandybuck, Rapper Hobbit stuck in th—

MERRY
Be quiet! (to Hob Hayward) Listen, why can’t we stay here?

HOB HAYWARD
The Chief up at Bag End won’t let us. It’s against the rules. See (points to a very LOOOOOOONG list on the wall of one of the houses) Number 1 – No taking strangers in off-hand.

MERRY
Do I look strange to you?

HOB HAYWARD
(looks him up and down)

MERRY
Never mind, don’t answer that.

FRODO
Look, we’re going inside and that’s that.

Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo all go inside the house that the rules are on. Hob Hayward follows them. Cut to the interior.

MERRY
Pip, light a fire.

HOB HAYWARD
Oh, no you can’t do that! It’s against the rules! (runs outside, there is a loud rip and he reenters with the list) See, Number 2 – Never use more than three logs of wood a day. And we’ve already used three. Oh, no!

MERRY
What?

HOB HAYWARD
Number 17 – Never take down the rules! (drops the list and runs out VERY distressed)

MERRY
(stares after Hob Hayward) Pip, put FOUR logs on the fire.

PIPPIN
Right. (does so)

Merry and Pippin sit together at one end of the room and Frodo and Sam sit down at the other.

MERRY
(leans over to Pippin) I bet I can break more rules than you can, Pip.

PIPPIN
What?

MERRY
I bet I can break more rules than you can.

PIPPIN
No you can’t.

MERRY
I bet I can break ALL the rules.

PIPPIN
Well… I can break all the rules… and two more to boot!

MERRY
You can’t break all the rules and two more.

PIPPIN
Sure I can.

MERRY
You cannot.

PIPPIN
You’re just jealous.

MERRY
Jealous!?!

Merry and Pippin’s voices fade into the background. The camera closes in on Frodo and Sam.

FRODO
Who do you figure the “Chief up at Bag End” is?

SAM
I don’t know. We’ll march straight up to Bag End tomorrow and find out. And we’ll take care of HIM, don’t you worry, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO
Okay. (is silent for a second) By the way, Sam. What does it mean when you say, “you turtle”?

SAM
Well, it’s a right good insult, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO
(unbelieving) Uh-huh.

SAM
Well, it is. It means… it means you’re… it means you’re SLOW! (smiles to himself) Yeah, that’s what it means.

FRODO
You TURTLE?

SAM
Yeah.

FRODO
YOU TURTLE?

SAM
Oh, be quiet.

FRODO
(is quiet for a second) YOU TURTLE?

Cut to the exterior of the house in the morning. Frodo comes out of the house shaking his head.

FRODO
(muttering) you turtle… (bumps into Merry, who is wearing the most ridiculous outfit ever) What are you wearing?

MERRY
What? The jacket? (pulls out the list of rules and points to a certain rule) Rule Number 12 – Never wear a pink jacket.

FRODO
Actually, I was referring to the frogs tied to your ears.

MERRY
(points to another rule) Number 21 – Never tie green frogs to your ears.

FRODO
And the watermelons on your feet?

MERRY
Number 35 – Never wear vegetables on your feet.

FRODO
Watermelon would be a fruit.

MERRY
Oh, right. Sorry, Number 36 – Never wear fruit on your feet.

FRODO
(nods, looking at Merry as if he was an idiot) Right.

MERRY
And look (pulls up his pant legs revealing two mismatched socks) Number 43 – Never wear mismatched on Tuesday.

FRODO
Is it Tuesday?

MERRY
And their toe-socks. Number 19 – Never wear toe socks.

FRODO
(completely ignoring Merry) I thought it was Wednesday.

MERRY
And between the socks and the watermelons, I’m wearing tennis shoes. Number 5 – Never wear any type of shoe.

FRODO
I guess it must be Tuesday.

MERRY
And because of all that I’m breaking Number 50 – Never wear anything on your feet at all.

FRODO
Just goes to show how confused you can get when you go to Mt. Doom.

MERRY
And I also used four logs for the fire this morning, rule number 2(pulls a bucket of water from behind his back and dumps it on Frodo)

FRODO
(sputters) What was that for!?!

MERRY
Number 8 – Never dump a bucket of water on a fellow Hobbit.

FRODO
(glares)

PIPPIN
(enters wearing a straw hat, hiking boots, a blue apron, and mismatched gloves)

MERRY
What are you doing?

PIPPIN
Breaking rules 13, 5, 50, 25, and 44 currently.

FRODO
And they would be?

PIPPIN
Number 13 – Never wear a straw hat without a permit from the Chief. Number 5 – Never wear any type of shoe. Number 50 – Never wear anything on your feet at all. Number 25 – Never wear a blue apron after 7 o’clock in the morning.

FRODO
(looks at his watch) Hmm… it’s 7:01

PIPPIN
And Number 44 – Never wear mismatched gloves on Tues—

MERRY
Okay, okay! We get the idea!

PIPPIN
That makes 5 already, Merry.

MERRY
I’m on 8.

PIPPIN
(frowns) Well… I put four logs on the fire last night and broke Rule Number 2, so that makes 6.

MERRY
I’m still two ahead.

SAM
(enters and stares at Merry and Pippin) What did I miss?

PIPPIN
Yeah well… (pulls a bucket of water from behind his back and dumps it on Sam) Rule Number 8. That makes 7.

FRODO
Are you two finished? Can we get going now?

MERRY
I guess.

PIPPIN
Right. Where are we going?

SAM
Bag End. To see this “Chief”.

They walk off towards Bag End. After a little while they are stopped by six policeman.

MERRY
Well, hullo there.

POLICE CAPTAIN
(to Merry) We are here to arrest you for breaking rules 2, 3, 5, 8, 12, 19, 21, 36, 43, and 50.

MERRY
Oh, 10, Pip.

POLICE CAPTAIN
(to Pippin) YOU are being arrested for breaking rules 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 25, 35, 44, and 50.

PIPPIN
Now wait just a minute, sir, you’ve forgotten rules 48 and 49. (he pulls out a squirt gun)

MERRY
Now, Pippin, you know you’ve only broken rule 48 by having that. You’d have to use that to break rule number 49.

PIPPIN
(squirts Merry in the face) eleven.

FRODO
And what about us?

POLICE CAPTAIN
The two of you (points to Frodo and Sam) are being arrested for breaking rule 51.

FRODO
And what’s that?

MERRY
Never consort with any Hobbits that have broken any of the previous fifty rules.

FRODO
Oh, (to Police Captain) Anything else.

POLICE CAPTAIN
That’ll be enough.

SAM
I could add some more if you’d like: Calling your chief names, wishing to punch his pimply face, and thinking that you policemen look like a bunch of turtles.

PIPPIN
OUCH.

MERRY
Oooh, Rules 4, 6, and 7, Nice job Sam.

FRODO
Turtles!?!

Cut to Bag End as the Policeman enter with the Hobbits in tow. Across the room a man stands with his back to them.

POLICE CAPTAIN
Here they are, Sharkey. (exits with the rest of the policemen and closes the door behind him)

SHARKEY
(turns to face the Hobbits) Why does it always have to be Sharkey?

MERRY
Saruman?

SHARKEY / SARUMAN
Why couldn’t it be Whaley? Or Sting-rayee

MERRY&FRODO&SAM&PIPPIN
(give him a strange look)

SHARKEY / SARUMAN
Okay, so that one’s not so good. But how about something else aquatic? Like dolphiny or lobstery or—

PIPPIN
Crabby?

MERRY
Fishy?

FRODO
Shrimpy?

SAM
Turtley?

FRODO
(whispers to Sam) Turtley!?!

SARUMAN
That’s it…

FRODO
(surprised) Turtley?

SHARKEY / SARUMAN
No, you turkey! Shrimpy!

MERRY&PIPPIN&FRODO&SAM
SHRIMPY!?!

SHARKEY / SARUMAN
That’s’ right. (whistles and Police Captain enters. To Police Captain) Two new rules: Number 52 – Never refer to the Chief as Sharkey. Number 53 – Always refer to the Chief as Shrimpy.

SHARKEY / –

Whereupon the Scriptwriter was hauled off to the lock holes by the policemen for referring to the Chief as “Sharkey” while Shrimpy looked on.

MERRY
So what do we do now?

PIPPIN
We could write the script ourselves.

FRODO
Yeah, right. We couldn’t do that.

SAM
I could try.

MERRY
You?

SAM
Give me a chance.

FRODO
Okay.

The stage crew brings out a typewriter and Sam quickly hammers out a script. He then hands them to the other hobbits.

MERRY
The Scriptwriter hath been stolen from our fair lands. What shall we do?

FRODO
Harken to me now, for I speak. We must avenge her now, and raise the Shire.

PIPPIN
Thou art right, Mr. Frodo. We must avenge her.

MERRY
I agree with thee, my fellow hobbits, we shall strike them with an iron fist.

FRODO&SAM&PIPPIN
We shall.

MERRY
And they shall fall.

FRODO&SAM&PIPPIN
They shall.

MERRY
And we shall be victorious!

FRODO&SAM&PIPPIN
We shall!

MERRY&PIPPIN&FRODO&SAM
(stand around in silence for a few seconds)

SAM
(smiles happily to himself)

MERRY
(shakes his head) No.

PIPPIN
No.

FRODO
(pats Sam on the shoulder) Sorry, buddy.

The Hobbits then left for the Lockholes where they cleverly helped the Scriptwriter to escape by telling the guard that his shoelaces were untied, which of course was impossible since he didn’t have any shoelaces, because he wasn’t wearing any shoes in accordance with rule number 5. But Merry had learned the trick from the Rohan Dudes who did wear shoes and it was the first thing that came to mind. So while the guard was searching for his untied shoelaces, the four hobbits dashed in and freed the Scriptwriter. The Scriptwriter then happily sat down to continue the script, which consequently made Frodo, Pippin, and Merry, extremely happy.

Cut to Bag End where Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam are standing. Shrimpy enters. The Scriptwriter carefully types:

SHRIMPY
Sorry, where were we?

FRODO
We were just telling you to leave.

PIPPIN
We were?

FRODO
(elbows him in the ribs)

PIPPIN
Oh! Oh! I mean, we were.

SHRIMPY
Oh, I see. I guess I really should be going.

MERRY
Yeah, you should, I mean you never really belonged here in the first place.

SAM
Yeah, and you can take all your stinkin’ rules with you.

PIPPIN
Now wait just a minute! I haven’t broken all of them yet.

FRODO
What were you doing here in the first place?

SHRIMPY
I know you Hobbits don’t know a lot about this kind of thing, but it’s called revenge. You two (points to Merry and Pippin) wrecked Isengard, trapped Wormtongue and I in Orthanc… Oh that reminds me. (shouts) WORMTONGUE!

WORMTONGUE
(enters with a paper airplane) I perfected my paper airplane, do you want to see? (notices the Hobbits) Oh, hello. Can I help you?

SHRIMPY
These gentlehobbits have been kind enough to ask us to leave.

WORMTONGUE
Ooh! Road trip! Let’s go! (drags Shrimpy out the door)

The Hobbits watch from the door as Shrimpy and Wormtongue walk away.

SHRIMPY
You know, I’ve been thinking, you could do with a new name too. I mean, what kind of a name is Wormtongue.

WORMTONGUE
Mine, sir.

SHRIMPY
What do you think of Slug?

WORMTONGUE
Nah. (suddenly remembers that he is holding a paper airplane) Oh! Can I show you my airplane now?

SHRIMPY
Sure. (turns towards the Hobbits and shouts) you don’t mind, do you gentlemen?

MERRY
Not at all.

WORMTONGUE
(throws the paper airplane)

PAPER AIRPLANE
(twists around and hits Shrimpy in the hand)

SHRIMPY
Ow!! Ow!!! Paper cut! Paper Cut! (lays down and dies)

FRODO&SAM&MERRY&PIPPIN
(stare, shocked at the limp body of Shrimpy)

WORMTONGUE
Oops.

SAM
Oops? Is that all you can say?

WORMTONGUE
Double oops.

ROTK script (sort of) Part VI

Cut to Sam and Frodo climbing Mt. Doom.

SAM
Mr. Frodo, do you suppose that we’ll ever get to the top?

FRODO
Sure. I’ve got to rest.

SAM
Again!?! We’ve already rested nine times…

FRODO
So?

SAM
… in the last ten minutes!!!

FRODO
So?

SAM
C’mon get up! If we don’t keep moving then a piano might fall on us.

FRODO
(thinks about this for a minute) That makes absolutely no sense.

SAM
(mimicking Frodo) So?

FRODO
(glares)

SAM
Now c’mon now, get up.

FRODO
I can’t.

SAM
Then I’ll carry you.

FRODO
WHAT!?! NO!

SAM
(picks up Frodo and races up the Mountain)

Cut to Orc 113 and 156 somewhere up the mountain. Orc 113 and 156 sit contentedly, cooking something that looks like a cross between molten lava and melted iron with a little bit of toothpaste added in for flavor.

ORC 113
(stares into the pot for a while) You’re sure this is what you’re supposed to do with toothpaste?

ORC 156
What else are you supposed to do with it? Brush your teeth?

ORC 113
(laughs) That’s a good one! Brush your teeth!

There is a sudden rumbling and the pebbles begin to jump around on the ground.

SAM
(runs past carrying Frodo)

Rumbling fades into the distance.

Orc 113
What was that?

ORC 156
I dunno. (resumes stirring the… uh… concoction)

Cut to Sam racing up the mountain still carrying Frodo.

FRODO
Sam! Sam! Stop! Put me down! Sam!

POLICEMAN
(drives up out of nowhere and stops about fifty feet in front of Sam) Sir, I’m going to have to give you a tic—

SAM
(runs them over) oops.

FRODO
(stares over Sam’s shoulder at the flattened officer and car) Sam! Look what you did!

SAM
I said “oops”. What more do you want?

FRODO
Put me down!

SAM

(dumps Frodo on the ground outside a cave that leads to the heart of Mt. Doom) Oh, look… we’re here.

FRODO
(groans and stands, dusting himself off)

SAM
Now, do you know how much longer it would have taken if I’d let you continue on foot?

FRODO
About 2 seconds longer.

SAM
Try 2 days.

FRODO
Fine. (looks into the cave) What are we supposed to do here, again?

SAM
(stares) what?

FRODO
What are we supposed to do here?

SAM
(blankly) Destroy the ring.

FRODO
Oh… do we have to? I mean it’s so pretty…

SAM
Mr. Frodo! Of course you’ve got to destroy it! That’s the whole reason we came here!

FRODO
Oh, yeah… right. (enters the cave with Sam not far behind)

Cut to Frodo and Sam standing, looking down into a pit of fire.

FRODO
I don’t want to destroy it, Sam.

SAM
Me neither.

FRODO
Let’s use the ring to make mindless drones…

SAM
Yeah… Gamgee-wraiths…

FRODO
…and make then build our own personal franchise.

SAM
McSamwise’s…

FRODO
Then when we have enough money we’ll run for President and take over the world through politics!

SAM
President Gamgee…

FRODO
No one will see it coming!

GOLLUM
NO! Nasty hobbitses! They stole it! (leaps at Frodo and wrestles with him over the ring. After a few minutes he stands with the ring in his hands) Now we bes the master. And we wring their filthy little necks!

FRODO
Now, now, Smeagol. Let’s not be too hasty. I mean, we could call it McGollum’s.

GOLLUM
We bes the master! We bes the master! (starts to do the jig because he is so happy)

SAM
Ooh, that’s ugly. (turns away)

FRODO
(thinks very quickly) Hey, Gollum! I bet you can’t jump across this pit.

SAM
What!?! Mr. Frodo! What—

GOLLUM
Nasty hobbit, doesn’t know what it’s talking about. Not it’s business. We can jump if we wants to.

FRODO
Betcha can’t.

GOLLUM
Of course we can, gollum, gollum. Precious we can. (tries to jump and falls in along with the ring)

SAM
There goes McSamwise’s.

FRODO
At least Gandalf and Elrond will be happy. They DID want us to destroy the ring.

Cut to Pippin, Aragorn, Gimli, the elf, Gandalf, and the Rohan and Gondor Dudes as they battle the orcs. The orcs suddenly stop fighting and begin dancing the disco.

LEGOLAS
What are they doing?

GANDALF
They ring has been destroyed. They are now almost as confused as you, my elvin friend, and so they are doing the most illogical thing possible: dancing the disco.

ARAGORN
Should we… uh… finish them off?

GANDALF
No, don’t waste your time. They keel over dead from the disco in a few minutes. See there go some now. (points to two orcs as they fall face first on the ground) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a couple of eagles to help me rescue two hobbits from the top of a mountain.

LEGOLAS
Ooo! Ooo! I’ll go!

GANDALF
Last I checked you weren’t an eagle.

LEGOLAS
(totally bummed) oh.

Cut to Frodo and Sam sitting half-way up the mountain.

SAM
Well, Mr. Frodo, I guess this is it. It’s all over now.

FRODO
Yup… well… it’s been fun.

SAM
Yeah it has… I wonder what that is.

FRODO
What what is?

SAM
Those things flying around over there.

FRODO
Nothing. It’s just a wisp of cloud.

SAM
It’s moving fast, and against the wind.

FRODO
Whoa… deja vu.

Cut to Gandalf as he flies through the air on an eagle. A flat looking policeman shows up in a flat police car.

POLICEMAN
I’m sorry sir, I’m going to have to give you a tic—(realizes that he is several hundred feet in the air and falls to the ground)

GANDALF
Hmm… interesting.

They fly on for a few minutes and then bank to the left and land on the ground beside Frodo and Sam.

GANDALF
Hello, boys! How’s it going?

FRODO&SAM
(stare at him)

GANDALF
Not good huh?

FRODO
We were just settling down to die actually, so if you wouldn’t mind—

GANDALF
Oh, well, I just thought that you might want to fly back with me to Gondor.

FRODO
Why would we want to do that?

GANDALF
Well, I thought you would want to see your friends again…

FRODO
(leans over to Sam) What do you think?

SAM
Let’s go, Mr. Frodo. We can always come back later.

GANDALF
Excellent! (he lifts them up and puts them on a nearby eagle and then they fly away)

Cut to Legolas, Gimli, Merry and Pippin in Gondor.

MERRY
I still don’t get why I couldn’t go.

PIPPIN
Well, you know, now that I think of it, you probably could have come.

MERRY
Really?

PIPPIN
Yeah, I mean, there was only about five minutes when you could have gotten trampled stabbed or otherwise mutilated. After the first five minutes the orcs just started doing the disco.

GANDALF
Hey look who I found. (pulls Frodo ands Sam on screen)

LEGOLAS
Fredrick!

GIMLI
No, no, his name is Frodo.

LEGOLAS
(looks confused, no DUH!) Oh.

GANDALF
Do you know where Aragorn is?

LEGOLAS
I do! This way! (runs off and you hear a crash from off screen)

GANDALF
(walking towards Legolas) Um, that’s a wall not a door.

GIMLI
I better go help Legolas find Aragorn before he does something really stupid. (starts walking in the same direction as Gandalf) Hey Legolas! That’s a WALL!

FRODO
So, what’s up?

PIPPIN
Well, not much really.

SAM
What’s happened since we left?

MERRY
Well, we were captured by orcs.

SAM&FRODO
You were captured by orcs!?!

PIPPIN
And then we went into a forest and met a talking tree.

SAM&FRODO
You went into a forest and met a talking tree!?!

MERRY
Well, actually it was called an Ent.

SAM&FRODO
An Ent!?!

MERRY
(starts getting annoyed at Frodo and Sam)

PIPPIN
Then we went and flooded Isengard.

SAM&FRODO
You flooded Insengard!?!

MERRY
(gets VERY annoyed with Frodo and Sam)

PIPPIN
And then I found a marble that looked at me.

SAM&FRODO
You found a marble that looked at you!?!

MERRY
You guys have a great talent for restating everything we say in question. Cut it out, it’s bugging me!

SAM&FRODO
Sorry.

Cut to Aragorn and Faramir standing on a platform with all the Gondor and Rohan Dudes standing around. Eowyn is also in attendance. The hobbits walk in.

FARAMIR
Thank you all for coming to the coronation. Let this be the first of many joyous occasions. Now while we’re looking for the crown that someone MISPLACED (glares at Pippin)

PIPPIN
(looks down at his feet guiltily)

FARAMIR
The king-to-be would like to say a few words. Aragorn.

ARAGORN
Me?

FARAMIR
Yeah, Dude, you’re the king.

ARAGORN
Oh, right. Well, um, the war is over now.

PIPPIN
Well that’s good news.

ARAGORN
And it’s time to get back to our lives now. I know it’s hard to start up where we left off, but we have to make an effort, otherwise the many who gave their lives, gave them for nothing. And I think that’s pretty depressing if you think about it. So it all starts here today. It’s time to begin a new life, with a new king… we should probably get a new roof (points to the ceiling where there is a gaping hole), a new—

FARAMIR
Dude, I said a FEW words.

ARAGORN
Well, then I guess I’m done. Did you guys find the crown yet?

FARAMIR
Um, no… Say something.

ARAGORN
(pauses) I like eggs in the morning. (pauses again) Is that good?

FARAMIR
Uh, yeah… keep going.

ARAGORN
One day when I was seven-years-old—

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(runs up with the crown) Here it is, Mister! (hands it to Faramir)

FARAMIR
Uh, thanks. (to the crowd) Men of Gondor, listen now, to the Steward of the realm. Well, at least, I’m the ACTING Steward while my Dad in on vacation. And it’s probably going to be a really long vacation… ANYWAY! Behold, someone has finally come to claim the kingship again. His name is Aragorn son of Arathorn, chieftain of the Dunedain of Arnor, Captain of the Host of the West, bearer of the star of the north, wielder of the sword reforged, victorious in battle, who’s hands bring healing, the Elfstone, Elessar of the line of Valandil, Isildur’s son, Elendil’s son of Numenor.

ARAGORN
Talk about a FEW words. (takes the crown, looks at it then hands it back) By the work and courage of many, I have come to my inheritance. In token of this, I would have the Ringbearer bring the crown to me and let Gandalf set it on my head if he will. For he has been the mover of all that has been accomplished and this is his victory.

GANDALF
(enters) Wizard coming through! (begins making his way through the crowd) Out of the way! Out of the way! Wizard coming THROUGH!

FRODO
(takes crown from Faramir and hands it to Gandalf) And explain to me why Gandalf couldn’t just take this from Faramir?

GANDALF
(puts crown on Aragorn’s head)

FARAMIR
Behold the King!

ROHAN&GONDOR DUDES
(cheer)

ARAGORN
Thank you! Thank you! Now I’d like to make an announcement. There’s to be a wedding. Arwen, dear, would you please come up here.

ARWEN
(walks up) Now THIS is cool.

ARAGORN
Faramir, didn’t you have a question for a certain blonde over there? (nods toward Eowyn)

FARAMIR
Oh, yeah. (walks over to Eowyn) I was thinking, now that Sirin is dead—

ARAGORN
Sauron.

FARAMIR
Oh, right, thanks. Now that SAURON is dead, I would have joy in my life again.

EOWYN
So…

FARAMIR
What do you think about double weddings?

EOWYN
They’re fine, why?

FARAMIR
You women are so difficult. (takes a deep breath) Will you please marry me?

EOWYN
(is silent)

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGATAILS
(nudges Eowyn) Your line is ‘Yes’.

EOWYN
(smiles) Thank you. (to Faramir) Yes.

FARAMIR
Okay, let’s go.

ARAGORN
(looks out over the crowd) Is there a Minister in the house?

REVEREND BOB
(jumps up) Yeah, I’m here.

ARAGORN
Oh, Reverend Bob! Long time no see! Get up here!

REVEREND BOB
(runs up. To Arwen) So you love this guy? (points to Aragorn)

ARWEN
(looks at him strangely) Yes.

REVEREND BOB
(to Aragorn) Do you love this girl? (points to Arwen)

ARAGORN
Yes.

REVEREND BOB
Okay, you’re married. (to Eowyn) Do you love this guy? (points to Faramir)

EOWYN
(looks at him in a stranger way) Yes.

REVEREND BOB
(to Faramir) Do you love this girl? (points to Eowyn)

FARAMIR
Yes.

REVEREND BOB
Okay, you’re married too. You may both kiss the bride.

ARAGORN&ARWEN
(lean in together)

FARAMIR&EOWYN
(lean in together)

PIPPIN
(sticks his head in front of the camera) Well isn’t this beautiful?

MERRY
Pippin! I can’t see through you, get down!

PIPPIN
(does)

Aragorn, Arwen, Eowyn, and Faramir, face outward holding hands and smiling. Fade out.

ROTK script (sort of) part V


Cut to Frodo and Sam as they walk though Mordor.

FRODO
I’m so tired. I need to rest, Sam.

They stop.

SAM
C’mon, Mr. Frodo, have something to eat. (hands him a wafer of lembas)

FRODO
(begins to eat) The ring is SO heavy, Sam.

SAM
(eagerly) I’ll carry it for you!

FRODO
NO! (clutches the ring)

SAM
Okay, then there’s only one thing to do, we have to make the ring seem lighter.

FRODO
But how?

SAM
(standing up) Well… you carry a lot of stuff so proportionally the ring will weigh less. (pulls three frying pans, two pots, a sword and a few sausage links out of his pack and piles them on Frodo)

FRODO
Sam.

SAM
(pulls five carrots, a sack of taters, a large pot, one of Gimli’s axes, a few shards of Narsil, and a helmet out of his pack and piles them on Frodo)

FRODO
Sam!

SAM
(pulls a coil of rope, a pipe, a harmonica, and Rosie Cotton out of his pack and piles it on Frodo)

FRODO
Sam, this is no place for a girl, though we do need a better cook.

SAM
(pulls Mr. Bilbo’s mithril coat out of his pack)

FRODO
Didn’t the orcs take that when they captured me?

STAGE HAND
(runs out and grabs the mithril coat from Sam and then runs back out)

SAM
Mr. Frodo, who was that?

FRODO
I don’t know. Strangest orc I’ve EVER seen.

SAM
(shrugs) oh, well. (pulls a bag of pipeweed, various spices, and a Palantir out of his pack and throws them on Frodo)

FRODO
Hey! (picks up the Palantir) Where did you get one of THESE?

SAM
(pulls a TV remote, a Koosh ball, three CDs, a portable boombox, two hoolahoops, a hair brush, a can opener, a microphone, and a rubber duck out of his pack and piles them on Frodo)

FRODO
Where did you get all this STUFF?

SAM
(pulls three spare blankets, some sneezing powder, and a bright blue cloak out of his pack and piles them on Frodo) There, done. (looks around for Frodo, but only sees a pile of junk) Mr. Frodo?

PILE OF JUNK
(sneezes)

SAM
(lifts up the cloak, revealing Frodo’s face) Mr. Frodo. What are you doing in there?

FRODO
Let me think….

SAM
Oh! I… right. Ready to go?

FRODO
I can’t move.

SAM
Oops. (uncovers Frodo and stows all the gear in his pack, except the sneezing powder, which he never found again) Ready now?

FRODO
I guess.

SAM
Okay.

They start off again and after about an hour the come to the foot of a mountain.

SAM
What is this?

FRODO
Mt. Doom, remember? The place we’re trying to get to?

SAM
Right. So do we climb this thing?

FRODO
(looks blankly at Sam) Yes.

Cut to Merry in the Houses of Healing, looking out over the Pelonnor fields as Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, the elf, Eomer, the Gondor Dudes, and the Rohan Dudes prepare to march to the Black Gate of Mordor. Legolas’ Groupies stand as close as they can get to the elf and scream everytime he says anything, even though it’s mostly something like, “Huh?”

PIPPIN
(enters) So… I’m leaving soon.

MERRY
I still don’t get why you get to go oppose Sauron and I don’t.

PIPPIN
Let’s think about this shall we? You’re kind of stuck in the Houses of Healing. And somehow, I don’t think that it would work to bring this place with us.

MERRY
Okay, so why do YOU get to go?

PIPPIN
Why not? (sighs) Look. You know we’re only going to give Frodo and Sam a chance. I probably won’t come back. Be glad that you get to stay here.

MERRY
Humph.

PIPPIN
Let me get this straight: You would rather go risk you’re neck on a battle field where it’s likely you would get stepped on by something really… really… BIG, a place you probably wouldn’t come back from, than stay here where it is perfectly safe?

MERRY
(stares at Pippin) Yes.
PIPPIN
(shrugs) Too bad. (leaves)

Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, the elf, Eomer, Pippin, and the Rohan Dudes leave for the Black Gate.

Cut to Eowyn in the Houses of Healing two days after the army left for the Black Gate.

EOWYN
(approaches Healer Dude 2) Sir, I am ready to go.

HEALER DUDE 2
Hang on a second. (turns back to Healer Dude) You were saying something about kingsfoil?

HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics—

HEALER DUDE 2
(pats Healer Dude on the shoulder) That’s wonderful, now go over there (points to the corner) and amuse yourself with something shiny.

HEALER DUDE
(looks slightly like Legolas but goes over to the corner)

HEALER DUDE 2
(turns to Eowyn) Can I help you?

EOWYN
I am ready to go.

HEALER DUDE 2
(pulls out his fuzzy pad and reads one page) Sorry, this says I should keep you here for at least seven more days.

EOWYN
I’d like to see you try.

HEALER DUDE 2
Okay. (snaps his fingers and Gondor Dude 2 and 3 enter) Guard her.

GONDOR DUDE 1
(enters holding his head) What about me?

HEALER DUDE 2
You can just go back to the coffee room.

GONDOR DUDE 1
Darn! (leaves)

GONDOR DUDE 2&3
(step over beside Eowyn and prepare to take her back to her rooms)

EOWYN
Wait! Who is in charge of this city?

HEALER DUDE 2
You know, I really have no idea. Lord Denethor WAS. But then he went to Pluto. And then there’s rumor of some guy from up North being the rightful King of Gondor. But by rights Lord Faramir is the Steward of the City.

EOWYN
Then I wish to see him. Where can I find him?

HEALER DUDE
(sneaks up beside Healer Dude 2)

HEALER DUDE 2
In this very house. He was hurt too—

HEALER DUDE
He had a very bad fever.

HEALER DUDE 2
I thought I told you to go look at something shiny.

HEALER DUDE
(looks more like Legolas)

HEALER DUDE 2
Never mind. Just go look at something shiny NOW.

HEALER DUDE
(leaves)

HEALER DUDE 2
Come with me, I’ll get some one to take you. (to Gondor Dude 2 and 3) I guess you guys can go join Gondor Dude 1 again.

GONDOR DUDE 2&3
(leave)

Cut to Faramir standing out in the Garden.

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(from offscreen) So, woman wazup?

EOWYN
(from offscreen) Will you just bring me to Lord Faramir, wierdo?

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Aiight. (enters with Eowyn following behind him) Yo, yo, yo! Hiya, homey!

FARAMIR
Hiya.

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WORNG AGE
This here is the Lady Eowyn. She rode with the Majesty Dude and was hurt real bad. She’s getting’ better now. But she ain’t content and she wants to speak whichu. Got it, dawg?

EOWYN
Do not misunderstand him, Lord.

FARAMIR
Oh, it’s easy to do that, he’s a rapper servant stuck in the wrong age! Now what do you want to talk to me about? (leans close to Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age and whispers) That is what you said, isn’t it?

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(whispers back) Yeah, homey.

EOWYN
I cannot sit around doing nothing anymore. I looked for death in battle. But I’m not dead and the battle still goes on.

FARAMIR
(waves at the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age to leave)

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(leaves)

FARAMIR
So what do you want me to do? Don’t even think about asking me to run you through with a sword. (shivers) That Mark Antony thing gives me the creeps. Tell me what you want and if it is in my power to have it granted, I will do so. Unless it’s you-know-what.

EOWYN
I want you to tell the Healer Dude to let me go.

FARAMIR
Oh. I’m also a prisoner here, too. And I have not taken up my authority here in the city. But even if I had, it’s probably a good idea to listen to him, dontcha think? I mean he does know best about healing and—

EOWYN
I don’t want healing. I WANT to go to battle like my brother Eomer, or better, like Theoden the king.

FARAMIR
You want to fall down a rabbit hole?

EOWYN
NO!

FARAMIR
Sorry, sorry. Go on.

EOWYN
The healers say I should stay seven more days, but I couldn’t stand that. My window does not look eastward.

FARAMIR
Eastward? Your window does not face eastward? Is that all you want? I can give you a window looking eastward. Stay here, get your rest and generally be a good girl and you can walk here in this garden and look eastwards, towards the Black Gate, where all our hopes have gone. And maybe I will be here too. It would… um… ease my care if you would.

EOWYN
(raises eyebrow) Why should it ease your care? I don’t desire the speech of living men. Of course I really don’t exactly want a bunch of dead guys to rise out of their graves and talk to me. Though, it would be kinda cool, I mean…

FARAMIR
(gives Eowyn a weird look)

EOWYN
(looks embarrassed) Um… yeah… So why should it ease your care?

FARAMIR
(assuming Rapper Servant attitude) You da beautiful woman.

EOWYN
What?

FARAMIR
(resuming character) Oh, you want a plain answer.

EOWYN
Yes.

FARAMIR
You’re pretty… kinda sad too.

EOWYN
That’s nice.

FARAMIR
And you know It might not be long until we die, you know, with Sauren invading and all.

EOWYN
Sauron.

FARAMIR
That’s what I meant. Anyway, I thought it might ease my care if I could look at you while I still could.

EOWYN
No. I think you’ve got it all wrong. Don’t look to me for healing. I am a shieldmaiden and my hand is ungentle. But, um, thanks for letting me walk in the garden.

Five days later:

Faramir and Eowyn stand in the Garden.

FARAMIR
Whacha looking for?

EOWYN
The Black Gate.

FARAMIR
Um…The Black Gate is over there.

EOWYN
Oh. (is silent for appoximently 2.6 seconds) It has been seven days and we have still heard no word.

FARAMIR
Yup… Seven days. And they have brought me both a joy and pain that I didn’t think I would ever know. Joy to see you; but pain, because now the fear and doubt of this evil time have grown dark. Eowyn, I don’t want this world to end now, or lose so soon what I have found.

EOWYN
Lose what you have found, lord? (bites her nails, thinking) What in middle-earth have you found?

FARAMIR
This could take a while…

Cut to Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, the elf, Eomer, Pippin, the Gondor Dudes, and the Rohan Dudes as they ride down to the road towards the Black Gates. Zoom in on Pippin riding with Aragorn and Gandalf, with Gimli and the elf close behind.

PIPPIN
We’ve been riding for an awful long time. When are we going to stop, Aragorn?

ARAGORN
I dunno. Soon I guess.

PIPPIN
There’s a dirty great lump in this saddle. (reaches under the saddle and pulls out one of Gimli’s axes) Huh?

LEGOLAS
(looking confused. What else is new?) Isn’t that my line?

GIMLI
I was wondering where that had got to. Give it here.

PIPPIN
(throws it towards Gimli)

LEGOLAS
(catches it before Gimli can and gallops away from him)

GIMLI
(rides after him)

PIPPIN
I’m tired.

GANDALF
(looks back at the Rohan/Gondor Dudes, as Gimli chases the elf through the ranks, still trying to get his axe back) The Dudes look tired too. (turns to Aragorn) Maybe you should lead them in a rousing Marching Song.

ARAGORN
But I don’t know any.

PIPPIN
Then just make one up. Hobbits do it all the time.

ARAGORN
Well, if hobbits can do it…

LEGOLAS
(from offscreen) I’m confused. Why are you chasing me again?

GIMLI
(from offscreen) To get MY AXE BACK!

LEGOLAS
(from offscreen) Oh. Right. Oooff. Ow! Ow!

GANDALF
Excuse me. (as he leaves) Gimli! Get off him! C’mon, stop hitting him! Legolas! Just give him back the axe!
PIPPIN
(to Aragorn) So… how about that rousing Marching Song?

ARAGORN
Oh, yeah… Um… how about this (starts singing rather loudly to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star) Marching, Marching, is such fun. Our feet hurt, and our legs too. Marching into battle now! We will prob’ly not come back! Marching, Marching is such fun. Our feet hurt and our legs too.

PIPPIN
(gives Aragorn a strange look along with most of the Dudes around them) I don’t think so, Aragorn.

ARAGORN
Oh… okay. Then how about (starts singing even louder to the tune of Mary Had A Little Lamb) I have a bunch of big tall dudes, big tall dudes, big tall dudes. I have a bunch of big tall dudes, whose helms are white as snow. We are going to battle now, battle now, battle now. We are going to battle now, where we will prob’ly die.

PIPPIN
(gives Aragorn a weirder look) No. (shakes head)

ARAGORN
No?

PIPPIN
No.

ARAGORN
Okay, then (starts singing louder still to the tune of Happy Birthday) We are going to battle! We are going to battle! We are going to battle now! Where we are going to die!

PIPPIN
(giving him the weirdest look ever) What’s with the dying thing? Rousing songs are supposed to be happy and confident! None of this dying stuff.

ARAGORN
Oh, and I suppose you can do better?

PIPPIN
Of course I can.

ARAGORN
Well, then go right ahead.

PIPPIN
(starts singing to the tune of We Will Rock You) Orkies, you’re ugly. Makin’ a big noise marchin’ in the street. We’re gonna pound you into pulp someday. You’ve got slime on your face, you big disgrace. Waving that red eye all over the place. We will, we will beat you! We will, we will beat you!

ARAGORN
(raises eyebrow) Orkies?

PIPPIN
Oh, shut up.

After three hours:

ARAGORN
ORKIES?

PIPPIN
I said SHUT UP!

ARAGORN
But still… ORKIES?

PIPPIN
As if that’s worse than “We are going to battle now where we prob’ly die”.

LEGOLAS
(rides up behind Pippin with a black eye) Doesn’t sound bad to me.

ARAGORN
Why thank you.

LEGOLAS
Actually, it sounds pretty good.

PIPPIN
Oh, please…

ARAGORN
I thought so too.

PIPPIN
Hey, look the Black Gate!

ARAGORN
(stares wide eyed at the gate and gulps)

GANDALF
(rides up behind Aragorn) Oh look, we’re here.

ARAGORN
(gulps again)

GANDALF
Why don’t we go say hi to Sauron, hmm?

ARAGORN
Go… say hi … to Sauron?

GANDALF
That is what I said.

ARAGORN&GANDALF&LEGOLAS&GIMLI&PIPPIN
(ride up to the black gate)

ROHAN&GONDOR DUDES
(stop about a hundred feet back from them)

GANDALF
(knocks on the gate with his staff)

SAURON’S SERVANT
May I help you?

GANDALF
We just came over to see Sauron.

SAURON’S SERVANT
And you would be?

GANDALF
Hmm? What’s that?

SAURON’S SERVANT
I said “And you would be?”

GANDALF
(looks slightly confused)

ARAGORN
He wants to know your name.

GANDALF
Ah, yes of course (leans in close to Aragorn and whispers) What’s my name again?

ARAGORN
Gandalf.

GANDALF
Ah, yes… Gandalf… that is what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey.

LEGOLAS
But he’s Gandalf the White now, right?

ARAGORN
No. Why would he be Gandalf the White?

GANDALF
See, I fought with the Balrog and then I died.

ARAGORN
But you’re alive now.

GANDALF
Yes.

LEGOLAS
So you’re Gandalf the… (stops and scratches his head) Who is he?

ARAGORN
I don’t know. I’m confused.

LEGOLAS
Me too… I think.

SAURON’S SERVANT

(looks at them blankly for a little while and then turns to Pippin while they jabber on in the background) Do YOU know who you are?

PIPPIN
Yes. I’m Peregrin son of Paladin of the house of Took.

SAURON’S SERVANT
I’ll tell Sauron you’re here.

Gandalf, Aragorn, and the elf continue to try to figure out what Gandalf’s name is and then:

GANDALF
Okay, so my name is Gandalf the Grey, we all agree on that?

LEGOLAS
No… it’s Gandalf the White (turns to Aragorn) isn’t it?

ARAGORN
I think so… but it used to be… (turns to Gandalf) Which one do you WANT to be?

GANDALF
Well… Gandalf the White DOES have a nice ring to it.

GOLLUM
Ring? It has the Preccioussss? We wantsss it! We wantsss it!

LEGOLAS
He isn’t in this scene… is he?

GOLLUM
Nasty fat elf… doesn’t know what it’s talking about. (slinks off)

LEGOLAS
Did he just call me fat?

ARAGORN
(nods) Yeah he did.

GANDALF
Okay… so my name is Gandalf the White?

ARAGORN
Yes.

LEGOLAS
No…

ARAGORN
But you just said—

GANDALF
Okay… then my name is Gandalf the White?

ARAGORN
Yes.

LEGOLAS
No—

ARAGORN
Be quiet!

GANDALF
(turns around looking for Sauron’s Servant) Where did he go?

PIPPIN
He left… a LONG time ago.

SAURON’S SERVANT
(reenters) Sauron is busy.

GANDALF
Drat! I was really hoping to see him again before we annihilated him.

ARAGORN&SAURON’S SERVANT
(give Gandalf weird looks but for decidedly different reasons)

SAURON’S SERVANT
Annihilate? (shakes it off and continues) He sent these down (holds up a sword, one of the Lothlorien cloaks and Mr. Bilbo’s Mithril shirt, and one of Legolas’ knives)

LEGOLAS
How did you get that? (grabs it back)

GIMLI
(sniggers)

SAURON’S SERVANT
He wondered if you recognized them. (pauses, as if he had forgotten his lines)

ARAGORN
(looks over at Legolas, unsure what to do)

LEGOLAS
(looks confused)

GANDALF
Um… He didn’t happen to say anything else, did he? Like, um… that he’s captured those who carried them.

SAURON’S SERVANT
(whispers) Is that my line?

GANDALF
(nods)

SAURON’S SERVANT
Oh… Well… um, yeah he did. He also said something about torturing them for the rest of their live unless you surrender.

GANDALF
Oh. Well we really had our hearts set on fighting this battle. Do you think he would mind?

SAURON’S SERVANT
Nah, I don’t think so. Just give me a minute and I’ll have the orcs sent out.

GANDALF
Great! Thank you.

Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Pippin, and the elf go back to the Dudes as orcs start filing out of the Black Gate. They form ranks and stand extremely still. After a minute:

ORC 9748
(shouts) Is the camera rolling?

CAMERAMAN
YES!

As one the orc ranks begins making threatening gestures: drawing swords, licking knives etc.

ARAGORN
Well, I guess this is it.

PIPPIN
(to Aragorn) I hope you’re better at War Cries then you are at Rousing Marching Songs.

ARAGORN
(rolls his eyes) You make one little mistake…

PIPPIN
So say the War Cry already!

ARAGORN
LET’S GO! (charges off)

PIPPIN
You call that a War Cry? (charges after him).

POLICEMAN
(drives up out of nowhere and stops Aragorn) Sir, I’m going to have to give you a ticket.

ARAGORN
AGAIN!!!

POLICEMAN
Again? (flips through some papers) Hmm… it appears you got a ticket about 2 weeks ago. This doesn’t look good, Sir. If you get another ticket in the near future it’s likely you’ll have your driver’s license revoked.

ARAGORN
But I don’t have a driver’s license.

POLICEMAN
(begins scribbling on his pad) exceeding the speed limit… driving without a license… (looks up at Aragorn) And I’m also supposed to check about a War Cry permit.

ARAGORN
I don’t have one.

POLICEMAN
I’m going to have to take you downtown.

ARAGORN
I’m kind of attacking the bad guys right now. Would you move?

POLICEMAN
(flips through papers) Bad Guys are in season. Go right ahead.

Aragorn and all the other good guys charge the bad guys and a battle ensues.

ROTK script (sort of) Part IV


Cut to Rohan Dudes carrying Eowyn to the Houses of Healing. Merry is following slowly. Pippins run up.

PIPPIN
OH, hey, Merry! You don’t look so good.

MERRY
Uh.

PIPPIN
In fact you look TERRIBLE.

MERRY
Uh.

PIPPIN
(puts his arm around Merry’s shoulders) C’mon. I know just where to take you.

Cut to Houses of Healing.

HEALER DUDE
He has a very bad fever. (looks at Faramir) Yup, he does.

GONDOR DUDE 2
Okay, so what about her? (gestures towards Eowyn)

HEALER DUDE
(shrugs) I dunno.

GONDOR DUDE 2
What!?! Are you a healer or not!?!

HEALER DUDE
Well, technically, I’m a Healer DUDE, which is completely diff—

GONDOR DUDE 2
(grabs Healer Dude’s shirt) What is wrong with her?

HEALER DUDE
She’s…uh…sick?

GONDOR DUDE 2
(letting go) oh.

PIPPIN
(enters supporting Merry) Um… a little help here.

HEALER PEOPLES
(come forward and take Merry. They put him on a bed next to Faramir and Eowyn)

PIPPIN
What’s wrong with him?

HEALER WOMAN
We get this all the time… It happens whenever someone gets too the close to the Nazgul. She has it too. (gestures towards Eowyn) There is no cure.

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(while jumping rope) Hey, Mommy! Maybe the King could heal him. You know what they used to say, “The hands of the King are the hands of a healer.”

HEALER WOMAN
How many times have I told you? Don’t jump rope around sick people!

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(still jumping rope. Turns to Pippin) Did you know that the hands of the king are the hands of a healer? Didja, didja, didja?

PIPPIN
No.

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
Well, they are, yup, yup! The hands of the king are the hands of a healer.

HEALER WOMAN
Get out of here, girl! Git!

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(leaves)

PIPPIN
Hmm…

Cut to Arwen and Aragorn outside the city gates, talking to Gimli and the elf.

ARWEN
What!?! You didn’t tell Denethor that we were coming!?!

LEGOLAS
(confused) Were we supposed to?

ARWEN
Yes! (turns to Aragorn) We can’t stay here, it would be too much of an imposition for Denethor.

GIMLI
Um… Denethor is on vacation.

ARAGORN
(completely ignoring Gimli) And just what are we going to do then?

LEGOLAS
(responding to Gimli) He is?

ARWEN
We’re going to camp out here.

GIMLI
Yeah, he went to Pluto.

ARAGORN
Fine, I’ll go in and see if they have any tents.

LEGOLAS
But when is he going to be back?

ARWEN
(grabbing Aragorn’s sleeve as he starts to leave) Oh, no you don’t! We’re not even going in.

GIMLI
In about nine hundred years, give or take a century.

LEGOLAS
Huh?

ARAGORN
Then what are we going to camp in exactly?

GIMLI
Faramir is Acting Lord of Gondor until he gets back.

PIPPIN
(running in on their conversation) Hey, Aragorn! Aren’t you the rightful King of Gondor?

ARAGORN
Yeah.

PIPPIN
C’mon! (starts dragging Aragorn inside the city. Arwen stays behind but Gimli and the elf follow) We need you to heal Faramir, Eowyn, and Merry!

ARAGORN
Don’t they have Healer Peoples for that?

PIPPIN
Well, yeah… but they don’t know what to do and the hands of the King are the hands of a healer.

ARAGORN
Oh.

There is a sudden chorus of screams.

LEGOLAS
(confused) What was that?

Legolas’ groupies (a bunch of girls) suddenly appear out of nowhere and start climbing all over the elf.

LEGOLAS
HELP!!!!!!!!

PIPPIN
(drags Aragorn off towards the Houses of Healing)

GIMLI
(wading in amongst Legolas’ groupies) All right girls, that’s enough. Get off of him.

GROUPIE 1
(screaming) I love you Orlando!

LEGOLAS
(more confused) Who’s Orlando?

GIMLI
Get off him! I mean it!

Cut to Houses of Healing.

ARAGORN
Do you have any kingsfoil or not?

HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics name it. But then it is called athelas in the noble tongue.

ARAGORN
I don’t care.

HEALER DUDE
But then to those who know Valinorean it is called asea.

ARAGORN
I DON’T CARE! Do you have any?

HEALER DUDE
Nope.

ARAGORN
Why didn’t you just tell me that?

HEALER DUDE
Well, you see milord. It is customary here in Gondor to waste the time of people on missions with some sort of nonsense. The custom is named wasteawords by the rustics but then in the noble in tongue it’s called—

ARAGORN
Never mind. Just go get me some kingsfoil.

HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics

ARAGORN
Sir.

HEALER DUDE
Name it. But then it is called athelas

ARAGORN
Sir!

HEALER DUDE
In the noble tongue.

ARAGORN
SIR!

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
I’ll go get you some kingsfoil.

ARAGORN
Great, thank you!

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(leaves)

HEALER DUDE
But then to those who know Valinorean it is called asea. I’m sorry, what were you saying?

ARAGORN
I asked you to go get me some kingsfoil

HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics name it. But then it is called athelas in the noble tongue.

ARAGORN
(groans)

One hour later:

HEALER DUDE
Valinorean it is called asea. What were you saying again?

ARAGORN
Nothing! I wasn’t saying anything! And I especially wasn’t saying anything about kingsfoil! (clamps his hand over his mouth as he realizes what he just said)

HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil…

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
Here’s the kingsfoil Mister. (hands Aragorn a small bag)

ARAGORN
Thanks. (leaves and comes back with a large book. He begins scribbling madly in it)

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
Whacha doin’, Mister?

ARAGORN
Crossing out the rest of HIS lines.

HEALER DUDE
Athelas in the noble tongue. But then (mouths the rest of the line)

ARAGORN
(grins) great. Now, I have people to heal. (puts the book down and leaves)

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(looks around to make sure that he’s gone, then picks up the book and starts writing in it)

Cut to Aragorn with Faramir and Healer Woman.

ARAGORN
(to Healer Woman) Bring me a bucket of cold water.

HEALER WOMAN
(leaves and comes back with a full bucket)

ARAGORN
(drops three leaves of kingsfoil…)

HEALER DUDE
(comes up behind the scriptwriter and mouths, “Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics name it. But then in the noble tongue it is called athe—“

Whereupon the scriptwriter punches Healer Dude.

HEALER DUDE
(falls down)

ARAGORN
(… leaves of kingsfoil in the bucket. He takes the bucket from Healer Woman and prepares to dumps it on Faramir’s face)

HEALER WOMAN
What are you doing?

ARAGORN
(dumps it)

FARAMIR
(sits up gasping)

ARAGORN
Works every time.

HEALER WOMAN
(stares dumbfounded)

ARAGORN
(pushes the bucket back into Healer Woman’s hands) Be a good girl and go fill that up again.

HEALER WOMAN
(leaves)

FARAMIR
Hey, aren’t you the king?

ARAGORN
Yes.

FARAMIR
What do you ask of me?

ARAGORN
One: stop walking in shadow. Two: get plenty of food and rest. And three: be ready when I call you. Okay?

FARAMIR
Okay. (lays down and goes back to sleep)

ARAGORN
(moves on to Eowyn)

EOMER
(is sitting next to Eowyn, holding her hand)

HEALER WOMAN
(comes back with full bucket)

ARAGORN
(drops leaves in bucket. He takes bucket from Healer Woman)

HEALER DUDE
(enters) Whacha doin, milord?

ARAGORN
What!?! What are you doing talking?

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(giggles in corner)

HEALER DUDE
Whacha doin’?

ARAGORN
(looks from Healer Woman’s Daughter in Pigtails to Healer Dude and back to Healer Woman’s Daughter in Pigtails. To Healer Woman’s Daughter in Pigtails) What did you do?

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(giggling) Nothing, Mister. I just gave him some new lines. (holds out the book to him)

ARAGORN
(takes the book from her and reads a few pages) No. (shakes head)

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
No?

ARAGORN
(shakes head) No.

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(to Healer Dude) C’mon. (takes his hand and leaves after taking the book back from Aragorn)

ARAGORN
Now, where was I? Oh yeah. (dumps bucket of water on Eowyn)

EOWYN
(sits up gasping)

EOMER
Eowyn! You’re awake!

EOWYN
Hey! You’re alive! But they told me that you were slain. But perhaps that was only the dark voices in my dreams.

DARK VOICE 1
Oh, sure. Always lay the blame on us!

DARK VOICE 2
We’ve got feeling too!

EOWYN
(ignoring Dark Voices 1 and 2) How long have I been dreaming?

ARAGORN
(slips out to leave them alone and to find Merry)

HEALER WOMAN
(follows Aragorn)

EOMER
Not long, my sister. Don’t think about it anymore.

EOWYN
I’m so sleepy.

EOMER
Hey! Who put these poppies in here!?!

Cut to Aragorn and Healer Woman with Merry. Pippin sits beside Merry.

ARAGORN
(dumps the bucket of water on Merry)

MERRY
(sits up gasping) I’m hungry. What time is it?

PIPPIN
After suppertime. But I could try and get you something.

MERRY
Great! Than I’ll have supper first and then I’d like a pipe. I had some of Saruman’s best pipeweed in my—

HEALER DUDE
Ah, pipeweed as the rustics name it.

ARAGORN
WHAT!?! Who gave him back his lines!?!

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(laughs) I did, Mister. (holds up the book)

ARAGORN
Give that here!

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
No, Mister! (starts running)

ARAGORN
(starts chasing Healer Woman’s Daughter In Pigtails)

ARAGORN&HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(run around the room making lots of noise)

HEALER DUDE
But then it is called nialarin in the noble tougue. But then to those who know Valinorean it is called nain.

MERRY
Really? I didn’t know that. So anyway, as I was saying, I had some of Saruman’s best pipeweed in—

HEALER DUDE
Ah, pipeweed as the rustics name it. But then it is called nialarin in the noble tongue. But then to those who know Valinorean it is called nain.

MERRY
Yes, I heard that, thank you. Anyway, I had some of Saruman’s best pipeweed—

HEALER DUDE
Ah, pipeweed as the rustics name it, But then it is called nialarin in the noble tongue But then to those who know Valinorean it is called nain.

MERRY
Yes, THANK you, that’s VERY INTERESTING. As I was saying, I has some of Saruman’s best pipe—

HEALER DUDE
Ah, pipeweed as the rustics name it.

SCRIPT WRITER
(enters with a frying pan) Here, allow me. (smacks Healer Dude upside the head with the frying pan)

MERRY
Thanks.

SCRIPT WRITER
No problem. (leaves)

HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(runs out of the room)

ARAGORN
(stops running and turns back towards Merry)

MERRY
So… I had some of Saruman’s best pipeweed in my pack… Boy does it feel nice to be able to finish a sentence. Anyway, I don’t know what happened to it. Probably got lost in the battle. Strider, do you think you could go find me some more pipeweed?

ARAGORN
Master Meriadoc, if you think I have gone through the mountains and the realm of Gondor, just to bring pipeweed to a careless soldier that has thrown away his pack, you are mistaken. I am tired and I’m going to find some place to get some sleep.

MERRY
Oh, I’m sorry! Go at once! Get your sleep!

ARAGORN
(leaves)

MERRY
Grump.

PIPPIN
(stifles a laugh)

MERRY
What?

PIPPIN
My dear hobbit, your pack is by your bed. You had it on when I found you. Of course he saw it all the time.

MERRY
(embarrassed) Oh.

Cut to Aragorn as he leaves the Houses of Healing.

HEALER DUDE 2
Milord! Milord! (runs up to Aragorn)

ARAGORN
Wha! What as you doing awake? We hit you with a frying…

HEALER DUDE 2
That must have been my twin brother.

ARAGORN
(raises an eyebrow) Really? (suspiciously) kingsfoil.

HEALER DUDE 2
What?

ARAGORN
Pipeweed.

HEALER DUDE 2
Huh?

ARAGORN
Okay, you pass.

HEALER DUDE 2
Oh, did you know that kingsfoil in the noble tongue is—

ARAGORN
ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (bolts)

HEALER DUDE 2
Sir! Sir! (runs after him)

ARAGORN
What?

HEALER DUDE 2
I wondered if you had any instructions on how to care for Lord Faramir and Lady Eowyn.

ARAGORN
Oh, yeah. Um, for Eowyn—

HEALER DUDE 2
Hang on. (digs through his pockets and pulls out a pink feathery pen and a fuzzy pad. He flips through it looking for a blank page) Okay, go ahead.

ARAGORN
Eowyn will want to get up and leave soon. Try and keep her here for at least ten days, if you can. Faramir should stay here for ten days also. And, um, you can tell him that his Dad went on vacation, just don’t tell him where Denethor went until he get s better.

HEALER DUDE 2
What about the short dude?

ARAGORN
If he wants to get up tomorrow, he can , for a little. Let him walk with his friends.

HEALER DUDE 2
(closes his pad) Okay, thanks. Bye.

ARAGORN
(leaves)

ROTK script (sort of) Part III


Cut to the Rohan Dudes as they are riding towards Minas Tirith.

MERRY
Are you sure you’re name is Dernhelm?

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
Yes.

MERRY
Oh, are we there yet?

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
No.

MERRY
Oh. (waits about five seconds) Are we there yet?

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
(starting to get annoyed) no.

MERRY
Are we there yet?

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
(through gritted teeth) No.

MERRY
Are we there yet?

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
NO! Does this look like Minas Tirith to you!?!

MERRY
I don’t know… I’ve never seen Minas Tirith before.

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DENHELM OR IS IT?
Do you see a city anywhere!?!

MERRY
No.

After a little while the Rohan Dudes stop to make camp. Merry is rudely dumped on the ground by The Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm or is it? Who was by then so annoyed with him and his constant questioning.

MERRY
Hmphh. That was rude.

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
No, duh! (shows him the script) it says right here that I dump you RUDELY on the ground.

MERRY
Hmphh.

Merry gets up and walks away, coming across Theoden and Eomer talking to a weird short little dude named Ghan-buri-Ghan. Merry creeps closer so he can listen.

GHAN-BURI-GHAN
(as if answering a question) No, Father of horseman. Fight not. Only hunt. Kill gorgun in woods, hate orc-folk. You hate gorgun too. We help as we can. Wild men have long ears and long eyes; know all paths. Wild men live here before Stone-houses; before Tall Men come up out of Water.

EOMER
You know that’s real great. But we need help fighting. How on earth are you going to help us with that?

THEODEN
We need help? I thought that we we’re the ones doing the helping.

EOMER
(waves question away)

GHAN-BURI-GHAN
Bring news. We look out from hills. We climb big Mountain and look down.

THEODEN
Ohhhhh! I get it! You’re going to scout out the area! Sounds great!

GHAN-BURI-GHAN
Let Ghan-buri-Ghan finish! More than one road he knows. He will lead you by road where no pits are, no gorgun walk, only Wild Men and beasts. Many roads were built when Stone-house folk were stronger. They carved hills as hunters carve beast-flesh. Wild Men think they ate stone for food. They went through Druadan to Rimmon with great wains. They go no longer. Road is forgotten, but not by Wild Men. Over hill and behind hill it lies still under grass and tree, there below Rimmon and down to Din, and back at the end to Horsemen’s road Wild Men will show you that road. Then you will kill gorgun and drive away bad dark with bright iron, and Wild Men can go back to sleep and wild woods.

THEODEN
As I said before, Sounds great!

EOMER
Yeah, it does! But, um, Ghan, what do you want in return? How about we give you a rich reward and you can have the friendship of the Mark forever?

GHAN-BURI-GHAN
Dead men are not friends to living men, and give them no gifts.

THEODEN
Hey! Who said we were going to die?

GHAN-BURI-GHAN
But if you live, then leave Wild men alone in the woods. Ghan-buri-Ghan will not lead you into a trap. He will go himself with Father of Horsemen and if he leads you wrong you will kill him.

THEODEN
Do I have to? I mean, that really doesn’t sound like fun… Killing you that is.

After a few minutes Theoden and Eomer rouse the Rohan Dudes and they ride off. After about two minutes they start to hear sounds of battle.

THEODEN
Hey! Look orcs! (to Eomer) think Denethor would mind if you stopped to kill these guys?

EOMER
Um... isn’t that Minas Tirith? (points to the white tower)

THEODEN
Yeah.

EOMER
Then, these would be the orcs that Denethor wanted our help with.

THEODEN
Great! Then let’s go! (starts to ride into the battle)

EOMER
(grabs Theoden’s arm) Um, sir aren’t you forgetting something?

THEODEN
Like what?

EOMER
The battle cry?

THEODEN
Oh, right. (in loud, clear voice) Arise, arise, Riders of Theoden! Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter! Spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered, a sward-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor! (charges into battle, getting faster and faster and faster until…)

POLICEMAN
(drives up out of nowhere)

ORCS
(back away as the policeman gets out of his car)

POLICEMAN
(to Theoden) I’m sorry sir. But I’m going to have to give you a ticket. (begins to write it out)

THEODEN
But, but, officer, I’m charging into battle!

POLICEMAN
Oh, that reminds me, I’m going to have to see your Battle Cry Permit. I have three witnesses (points to three orcs standing nearby) that say they heard you give a battle cry.

THEODEN
(sputters) I don’t have a Battle Cry Permit! I’m just here to kill some orcs to get them off Denethor’s back!

POLICEMAN
(sorts through papers in his car) I’m sorry, sir, orcs are out of season.

THEODEN
What!?! But… But… They’re attacking Minas Tirith!!!!!!!

POLICEMAN
(sorts through more pages) Hmm… that’s strange, I can’t find anything about whether Minas Tirith is in season or not. (turns to orcs) I’m going to have to take you all downtown until we can get this all sorted it out.

KING OF THE NAZGUL
(grinning) Get him, boys.

ORCS
(grab the policeman and begin to beat him over the head with frying pans)

POLICEMAN
Hey! Attacking a police officer is a federal offense! Get off me!

THEODEN
(to the King of the Nazgul, as the Rohan Dudes and the Orcs begin to fight) Thanks, that guy was really starting to annoy me.

KING OF THE NAZGUL
No problem.

THEODEN
(suddenly notices that everyone else is fighting) Um… I guess I should kill you now.

KING OF THE NAZGUL
You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I have a duel with Gandalf in just a few minutes and I’m sure he can take care of everything (grins). But then again… Feel free to try.

THEODEN
Okay, thanks. (steps back to prepare for battle and accidentally steps on a white rabbit) Hey! What are you doing here?

WHITE RABBIT
Oh dear, oh dear, the queen doesn’t like little kings! (runs off)

THEODEN
Hey wait! Come back here! (chases off after the rabbit until he fell down a rabbit hole)

KING OF THE NAZGUL
Oh, well, I guess that’s over.

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
Wait a minute! (arrives with Merry)

KING OF THE NAZGUL
What?

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
Begone you foul creature, lord of the carrion! Leave the dead in peace!

KING OF THE NAZGUL
I didn’t kill him. And even if I had, you shouldn’t come between the Nazgul and their prey. Or you might just end up dead yourself. (begins to advance on Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm, or is it?) In fact you might just end up in the houses of lamentation.

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
Really?

KING OF THE NAZGUL
(nods and grins)

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
(draws sword) Do what you will. But I will hinder it if, I may.

MERRY
(tugs on Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm, or is it?’s sleeve and whispers) Are you sure you want to say that?

KING OF THE NAZGUL
(laughs) Hinder me? You Turkey! No living man can hinder me!

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
(laughs)

MERRY
(stares at Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm, or is it?)

RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNEHELM, OR IS IT?
You know what? That’s really great. But I’m no man, I’m a girl. My name is Eowyn, daughter of Eomund. Now Begone, if you be not deathless!

KING OF THE NAZGUL
(grinning) I don’t think so.

Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm, Who in Reality Turned Out to Be Eowyn and King of the Nazgul begin to fight. And then just as it looked like King of the Nazgul was going to win, Merry sneaked up behind him and tickled him. Random Rider Whose Real Name Was Dernhelm, Who in Reality Turned Out To Be Eowyn stabbed him. Then, since the King of the Nazgul was dead, the script writer took the time to legally change Random Rider Whose Real Name Is Dernhelm, Who In Reality Turned Out To Be Eowyn’s name to just plain Eowyn because it took her a full five minutes just to type out Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm Who in Reality Turned Out To Be Eowyn’s name.

Cut to Aragorn and Arwen on a boat with the dead guys.

ARAGORN
(looking at map) We should come to Argonath in the next few minutes. No… Wait, that can’t be right.

ARWEN
(reaches for map and turns it right-side-up and then hands it back to Aragorn)

ARAGORN
Ah… so we should come to the Pelennor fields soon.

ARWEN
Do you think that Legolas and Gimli told Denethor that we were coming?

ARAGORN
I should think that an elf and a dwarf would be able to deliver a simple message.

ARWEN
Well… yes. But we never actually told Gimli what he was supposed to say and Legolas looked so confused.

ARAGORN
Oh, he always looks that way.

Battle sounds begin to be heard.

DEAD GUY
Elessar, we’re nearing the Pelennor fields.

ARAGORN
Wonderful, prepare to attack.

A few moments later the battle comes into view. Aragorn, Arwen, and the Dead Guys rush off the boat and begin to beat orcs senseless.

ARWEN
Finally, I get to do something cool.

ARAGORN
But you got to call up the river to drown the Nazgul. THAT was cool.

ARWEN
Okay, but now I get to do something WAY cool.

ARAGORN
But you appeared to me in a dream and spoke elvish. THAT was way cool.

ARWEN
Okay, but now I get to do something way, WAY cool.

ARAGORN
But—

ARWEN
Be quiet! You’re ruining my fun!

ARAGORN
And that wouldn’t be cool.

ARWEN
(shakes head) No.

The battle continues until all the orcs are dead. Minas Tirith still stands proudly, except…

ARAGORN
What’s with the big hole in the roof? It almost looks like a shuttle launched out of the basement. But that couldn’t be.

Cut to Frodo and Sam walking through Mordor.

SAM
Mr. Frodo, don’t you think we should get off the road? If anyone should come along…

FRODO
Who is going to come along? We’re fine, Sam. Don’t worry.

ORC 4
Halt! You there!

SAM
Who, us?

ORC 4
Yeah, you! Are you deserting?

FRODO
Oh, no. We were never in your army. You see, we’re um… we’re just…

SAM
On vacation.

FRODO
(nodding) Yeah! On vacation!

ORC 4
(looks at them suspiciously) Yeah?

SAM
Yes, sir.

ORC 4
I’m going to need some I.D.

FRODO&SAM
(rummage around in their pockets and pull out their I.D. cards. They hand them to Orc 4)

ORC 4
(reading aloud) Frodo Baggins, occupation: Rich Dude, age… hold on. This can’t be your I.D.!!!!! It says that you’re fifty. You can’t be a day over twenty! It’s fake! (throws I.D. card behind him)

FRODO
Well, sir—

ORC 4
And if one’s fake, the other one must be too! (throws Sam’s I.D. behind him and draws an evil-looking sword) Now I’m giving you ten seconds to tell me the truth, are you deserting!?!

FRODO&SAM
No, sir, we’re not deserting, sir! Please don’t kill us with that evil-looking sword, sir!

ORC 4
You swear you’re not deserting?

FRODO&SAM
(nod)

ORC4
Well, in that case (puts evil looking sword away)…

FRODO&SAM
(sigh in relief)

ORC 4
You’re drafted!

FRODO&SAM
WHAT!?!

ORC 4
(gestures behind him) Now join the ranks!

FRODO&SAM
(peer behind Orc 4 at thin air)

FRODO
What ranks?

ORC 4
(looks behind himself) What!?! (spins around several times looking for something) What happened to all my orcs!?! I swear, if they’re taking another coffee break, I’ll slap them silly!!! (stomps off in a huff)

SAM
So… does that mean we can leave?

ORC 4
(stomps back into view dragging two dozen orcs, all guiltily holding mugs of coffee and tiny cakes)

FRODO
I guess not.

ORC 4
(stops just in front of Frodo and Sam and proceeds to arrange his orcs into ranks. He also takes the coffee and cakes and dashes them on the ground) Now then, (gestures towards Frodo and Sam) join the ranks.

FRODO&SAM
(run to the back of the line)

ORC 4
Forward march!

ORC RANKS
(start walking)

ORC 4
(chanting as he walks) I don’t know, but I’ve been told!

ORC RANKS
I don’t know, but I’ve been told!

ORC 4
Mordor is going to win the war!

ORC RANKS
Mordor is going to win the war!

FRODO
(to Sam as Orc 4 continues chanting) Well… this is kinda fun.

SAM
Mr. Frodo, we’ve been DRAFTED!

FRODO
What do you say we desert?

SAM
But, Mr. Frodo, do you really think that he’d let us?

FRODO
I don’t know, let’s go ask.

Frodo and Sam run up to the front of the line and run beside Orc 4.

FRODO
Hey buddy, you know, this drafted thing is really ruining our vacation, would you mind if we deserted?

ORC 4
Yes, I’d mind! Are you saying that you’re vacation is more important than the war.

FRODO
Well, see, we’re not really on vacation.

SAM
(steps on Frodo’s foot to make him stop talking)

FRODO
Ow! Sam! Never do that while a person is running! (turns back to Orc 4) Now see—

SAM
(steps on Frodo’s foot again)

FRODO
Sam! Stop that! I’m trying to explain to this guy about our secret mission.

ORC 4
Secret mission! (stops dead and the orcs behind him into him and fall to the ground)

FRODO
(as more orcs fall over Orc 4) It’s not really a mission, is it?

SAM
No, it’s more of a quest. (more orcs fall in the background)

FRODO
Nah, what was it that Pippin called it back at the Council of Elrond?

SAM
A thing? (orcs are now in one huge pile)

FRODO
Yeah, that’s it, a thing. (looks around for Orc 4) Uh… buddy?

ORCS 4
(pokes head out from under pile of orcs) Did you say “secret mission”?

FRODO
(looks at Sam) Yeah, I think I did.

SAM
(nods)

FRODO
Yeah! I did.

ORC 4
You’re not… in the secret service… are you?

FRODO
Well, sort of…

ORC 4
Well, um, you can leave. And, um, there’s really no reason to tell Lug-burz about this, right?

FRODO
Okay.

ORC 4
Yeah. (runs off with Orc Ranks muttering) Lug-burz would kill me if he knew that I interfered with his secret service.

FRODO
Hmm… that was interesting.

ROTK script (sort of) Part II


Cut to Sam as he runs along a tunnel after the orcs.

ORC 1
I dreamed about a big strong elf warrior last night.

ORC 2
(dryly) you don’t say.

ORC 1
I did!

ORC 3
Keep it down back there!

Orcs run in circles around a tower for ten minutes before entering it.

SAM
I wonder how I could get in?

ORC 1
(sticks head out the door)And if anyone should want to come in, they could just walk through the front door! Hint, hint!

ORC 2
(drags orc 1 back inside by the collar)

SAM
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh. (tries to walk through door and bumps into an invisible wall. Tries again and bumps into it again) Hmm… I can’t see anything. Maybe I just need better light. (pulls out the vial and looks around) Still nothing. (walks forward and enters) Huh? What happened to the… (shrugs) Oh, well. (walks along and finds a bunch of dead orcs. After five minutes he hears voices)

ORC 1
Drat! I know we’re supposed to be saying something here, but I can’t remember what!

ORC 2
(trying to make the scene work because they’ve already messed it up seventy-three times) Well, um, all the other orcs are dead! We’ll have to tell somebody. You go!

ORC 1
Me? But there might be a big strong elf warrior out there!

ORC 2
I said go!

ORC 1
Um, um, oh I forget!

ORC 2
(outraged) DIDN’T YOU READ THE SCRIPT?

ORC 1
Well, yes and no…

ORC 2
What!?! You disgrace the name of orc! (grabs orc 1 and begins to muss up his hair in such a way that it will never be able to be brushed out again)

ORC 1
I did? Are you sure? I mean orcs’ve done all these other rotten things, do you really think that forgetting lines would…

ORC 2
(stops dead, considering) well… (bites lip) I… Oh, I don’t know! (tries to resume charectar) Just get out of here and tell Lug-burz that all the other orcs are dead!

ORC 1
But the big, strong, elf warrior!

ORCS 2
Get! (kicks orc 1 out the door)

SAM
(jumps out at orc 1 as he comes out of the room ahead)

ORC 1
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! A BIG STRONG ELF WARRIOR! (runs back into the room)

ORC 2
Okay, now you’re really disgracing the name of orc! (runs out, dragging orc 1 behind him)

SAM
(hits both of them over the head)

ORC 1&2
(fall to the ground)

SAM
(looks down at them expecting them to get up)



ORC 1&2
(don’t)

SAM
Hmm… interesting.(wanders around aimlessly, looking for Frodo) Frodo! Mr. Frodo! Where are you? I’ll never find him! (sits down and begins to sing) Mary had a little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. And every where that Mary went, Mary went, Mary went. Every where that Mary went the lamb was sure to go. Mary went to school… (stops thinking that he heard something) went to school… (stops again) to school one… (stops again) Mr. Frodo is that you?

FRODO
(sticks head out of a hole in the ceiling) yeah, it’s me, who did you expect? Sauron?

SAM
Come down here.

FRODO
No can do. They took my clothes. And everything else for that matter. Hand me some of the orc stuff.

SAM
(runs to get clothes from orc 1&2. Comes back and hands them to Frodo)

FRODO
Great. (disappears for a moment and then jumps down dressed in the orc stuff)

Frodo and Sam begin to make their way towards the door. Frodo keeps poking around looking for something.

SAM
What are you looking for Mr. Frodo?

FRODO
The ring. I had it on me when the giant spider attacked me and now I don’t.

SAM
Oh, I took it.

FRODO
WHAT!?! Give it back!

SAM
No!

FRODO
(jumps on top of Sam, knocking him to the ground)

FRODO&SAM
(wrestle around on the ground for a while, each trying to get a hold of the ring)

SAM
Wait, Mr. Frodo, wait. (pushes Frodo away for a minute) This is ridiculous. There has to be a civilized way to decide who gets the ring.

FRODO
You’re right. We’ll flip a coin. Heads, I get it. Tails, you don’t.

SAM
Okay, that sounds… hey! Wait a minute!

FRODO
Okay, okay. We’ll arm wrestle for it.

SAM
Okay. (sits down at a table that was conveniently placed there by the stage crew. They begin to arm wrestle and Sam wins) Ha!

FRODO
(snatches ring from around Sam’s neck) Ha ha! It’s mine!

SAM
(steps towards him) Now, Mr. Frodo, I won fair and square.

FRODO
It’s mine! You’re just a member of the Fellowship, I’m the Ringbearer! It’s mine! And anyway, it says in the script that I get to take it to Mt. Doom

SAM
Where?

FRODO
(hands Sam a copy of the script) Right there!

SAM
(reads the page, and then continues to flip through about twenty more pages) Wait, a minute, I do what!?! Get my agent on the phone!

Stage crewmember, hands Sam a cell phone. Sam proceeds to argue with his agent, during which he pounds the phone into pulp, but is still miraculously able to talk to his agent. After approximently three hours (give or take a day), Sam’s agent agrees to double Sam’s pay.

FRODO
(reads what I just typed) What!?! (grabs cell phone from Sam and dials his agent)

FRODO’S AGENT
Yes?

FRODO
Hi, I want my pay doubled.

FRODO’S AGENT
Sorry, no can do.

FRODO
But Sam got HIS pay doubled.

FRODO’S AGENT
Sorry, but how about finger insurance?

FRODO
(thinks about it) okay.

SAM
Ha ha! (in sing songy voice) I got my pay doubled.

FRODO
(in sing songy voice) But I get the ring!

SAM
FINE! Keep the stupid ole ring. I don’t care.

They walk out of the tower together.

Cut to Aragorn, Arwen, Gimli, and the elf on the paths of the dead.

ARWEN
(looks over shoulder for the billionth time)

ARAGORN
What’s wrong?

ARWEN
I think there are some dead guys following us.

ARAGORN
Yeah, there are.

LEGOLAS
(looks confused) But if they are dead than how can they be…

GIMLI
Hey, look! The end of the tunnel!

ARAGORN
Oh great! But, it’s going to take us forever to get through security!

LEGOLAS&GIMLI
Through WHAT!?!

SECURITY GUARD
(jumps out from behind rocks and sets up metal detectors) Please put all metal objects in the tray.

LEGOLAS
(looking high and low for a tray) where?

SECURITY GUARD
Move it along.

ARAGORN
(walks through and the alarm goes off)

SECURITY GUARD
Great. Okay, buddy, come here. Did you forget to put the metal stuff in the tray?

ARAGORN
Well, as my buddy the elf, pointed out, there’s no tray.

SECURITY GUARD
All right. Drop them on the ground.

ARAGORN
(takes off and drops on the ground one sword, five knives, twenty-seven arrows, 3 battle axes that he stole from Gimli--)

GIMLI
Those are mine!!!!!!!!!!!

ARAGORN
(continues to drop things as the security guard looks on. Seven revolvers, a crossbow, and 2 more daggers that he found in his back pockets)

SECURITY GUARD
Is that all?

ARAGORN
Oh yeah. (drops car keys on top of the pile)

SECURITY GUARD
Okay, pick it back up and move on.

ARAGORN
(hurries to pick up the axes before Gimli does)

ARWEN
(walks through without the alarm going off and then helps Aragorn pick everything up)

LEGOLAS
(walks through and the alarm goes off. He proceeds to take out his knives)

SECURITY GUARD
Do you have as many weapons as your friend?

LEGOLAS
(nods)

SECURITY GUARD
Move it along.

LEGOLAS
(looks confused but moves on)

GIMLI
(goes through and sets off the alarm)

SECURITY GUARD
Just go!

ARAGORN
(finally gets all his weapons put away minus the three axes that Gimli stole back) hey look there’s the big rock thing that we’re supposed to meet the dead guys at!

They run up to the big rock and then wait while the dead guys gather around.

ARAGORN
Oathbreakers, why in middle-earth have you been following us?

DEAD GUY
Because we want to fulfil our oath so we can have peace! Why else?

ARAGORN
Oh, right. Well, that hour has come at last. I’m going to fight and you all had better come with me. And when all of the bad guys are dead, I’ll consider your oath fulfilled and then you all can have peace and depart forever, deal?

DEAD GUY
First we want to know who you are.

ARAGORN
Well, I’m Aragorn son of Arathorn.

DEAD GUY
Don’t know ‘im

-ARAGORN
Strider?

DEAD GUY
Nope.

ARAGORN
Elfstone?

DEAD GUY
Nuh-uh.

ARAGORN
(starts to get desperate) Dunedain?

DEAD GUY
Sorry.

ARAGORN
(IS desperate) Longshanks?

DEAD GUY
No.

ARAGORN
Elessar, Isildur’s heir of Gondor?

DEAD GUY
Ohhhhhhhhhhh, HIM. Okay, deal.

ARAGORN, ARWEN, GIMLI, LEGOLAS
(sigh in relief)

Cut to Pippin on the ramparts of Minas Tirith.

DENETHOR
Drat! Everything was going just fine and then they decided to attack!

PIPPIN
Who?

DENETHOR
The orcs down there, can’t you see them?

PIPPIN
Not really, I can’t see over the wall: it’s up higher than my head.

DENETHOR
Oh, well the King of the Nazgul is down there teaching them how to play Miss Mary Mac.

PIPPIN
What!?!

DENETHOR
Just kidding, they are down there preparing to fight.

PIPPIN
Oh.

DENETHOR
I wonder what they plan on doing with that great big log. It looks kinda like a battering ram.

PIPPIN
A big what!?!

DENETHOR
Battering ram, I think.

PIPPIN
And you aren’t concerned about this!?!

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Yo, yo, yo, Mr. Majesty! There’s a dude with some axes, and a dude with pointy ears, hanging out at the gate. They wants to know if they can see ya, homey.

DENETHOR
Pippin, go down and see what this guy is talking about.

PIPPIN
Yes, sir.

DENETHOR
(walks over to the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age) I (points to himself) want you (points to the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age) to take him (points to Pippin) to the gate (forms a gate with his hands and opens and closes it a few times) and show him (points to Pippin) the dude with pointed ears, and the dude with the axes.

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
I gotcha homey! You da man! C’mon, dawg!

PIPPIN
Dawg?

Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age and Pippin go down to the gate. There Pippin sees Legolas and Gimli standing outside the gate.

PIPPIN
Legolas! Gimli! How did you get here?

LEGOLAS
(confused) I… don’t know.

PIPPIN
(orders the gates to be opened) Well, get inside! The orcs are about to attack!

GIMLI
(coming inside) Maybe not. The King of the Nazgul was very nice and let us through. Though he did grin at us kinda funny.

LEGOLAS
(meets the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age as he goes in the gate)

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Yo, homey! Waz up wichu, dawg?

LEGOLAS
(extremely, extremely confused) HUH?

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Waz up?

LEGOLAS
(beyond confused) HUH!?!

Just then Faramir and some more Gondor dudes came running up. The orc host parted to let them pass.

FARAMIR
Hey, thanks.

KING OF THE NAZGUL
(grinning) No problem.

FARAMIR
Uh… sure. (runs towards the gate as it begins to close) Hey! Wait a minute! We’re coming in!

Doors open back up.

FARAMIR
Thanks!

The Gondor dudes go through the door. But before Faramir can get in, the elf, in his confused state, pushes a button, thinking that it is a volume control for the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age, who had continued to bombard him with the words, yo, waz up, homey, and dawg. The button in reality turned out to be an emergency close button for the gate. The gate closed on Faramir, hitting him in the head.

LEGOLAS
(confused) Did I do that?

GONDOR DUDES
(drags Faramir inside)

PIPPIN
That elf! Now he’s done it! I—

KING OF THE NAZGUL
Is everybody in now?

PIPPIN
Yes.

KING OF THE NAZGUL
Then it would be all right if we attacked now?

PIPPIN
Of course! Wait what am I saying? (watches as the orcs begin to charge the gate) Close the gate! Close the gate!

The gates close just in time to stop the orcs from coming in. Some of the less intelligent orcs hit their heads against it and fall down.

Two hours later in the houses of healing:

HEALER DUDE
He has a very, very bad fever.

PIPPIN
(looks at Faramir) oh.

DENETHOR
Well, as long as he’s going to die we might as well take that vacation I’ve been planning. It’s better than dying here.

HEALER DUDE&PIPPIN
Who said that he was going to die?

HEALER DUDE
Jinx!

PIPPIN
(stares open mouthed at Healer Dude)

DENETHOR
Yup, might as well take him to Pluto.

PIPPIN
(mouths the word Pluto. Begins tugging on Denethor’s shirt and making LOTS of hand gestures)

DENETHOR
What in middle earth is wrong with you, boy? (takes Pippin my the shoulders) Snap out of it!

PIPPIN
(mouths “say my name, say my name!”)

DENETHOR
(raised an eyebrow) Pippin?

PIPPIN
Thank you! (sticks his tongue out at Healer Dude)

HEALER DUDE
(rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out at Pippin)

PIPPIN
(turns to Denethor) Now, Lord Denethor, about this Pluto thing…

DENETHOR
Great idea, huh?

PIPPIN
Well, not really.

DENETHOR
Who asked you? (shoves Pippin aside and rings a tiny bell)

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(enter) Yo, yo, yo, Mr. Majesty—

DENETHOR
What’s with the Mr. Majesty!?! I’m not a King! I’m a Steward!

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WORNG AGE
(thinks about this) Yo, yo, yo, Mr. Steward.

DENETHOR
Better.

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Whachu be wantin, my homey?

DENETHOR
Take my son, down to the launch pad and put him on the shuttle.

RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(whistles and several other servants run in) Okay, ya homeys. Let’s get this dawg down to the basement.

Servants pick up Faramir and carry him out of the room. Denethor follows with Pippin not far behind.

PIPPIN
Um, sir! Sir! Pluto is um, cold!

DENETHOR
I know.

PIPPIN
It’s frozen.

DENETHOR
That would be cold.

PIPPIN
It’s… far away. Lots of space in between middle earth and Pluto.

DENETHOR
I know.

PIPPIN
Um, Sir. (they enter the basement and Pippin sees the shuttle) WOW!

DENETHOR
Pretty, ain’t it?

PIPPIN
Yeah. But wait a sec. Who exactly told you that you could get to Pluto?

DENETHOR
The Palantir. (points to the Palantir in the corner)

PIPPIN
Ooooo. A marble! (watches as the servants start to put Faramir on the shuttle) WAIT! (pulls Gondor dude 1 out of nowhere) You! Keep the servants from putting Faramir on the shuttle.

GONDOR DUDE 1
Wha?

PIPPIN
Keep them (points to the servants) from putting him (points to Faramir) on the shuttle (points to the shuttle)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GONDOR DUDE 1
Oh, right. How?

PIPPIN
Wave your sword around!

GONDOR DUDE 1
Oh, you mean, like this? (begins to do the disco with his sword)

PIPPIN
Yeah, just like that! That’s great!

GONDOR DUDE 1
(continues to do the disco with his sword and accidentally chops his own head off)

PIPPIN
(hits himself in the forehead while saying) I had to pick the stupid one! I had to pick the stupid one!

GONDOR DUDE 2
(jumps out of nowhere) I’ll help. (strikes a Superman pose and then swings his sword around impressively and then runs up to the servants and stops them from taking Faramir into the shuttle)

PIPPIN
Great! Now I just have to find Gandalf!

Cut to Pippin as he bumps into Gandalf. Gandalf is wearing a fencing outfit.

PIPPIN
Gandalf! I need your help!

GANDALF
(lifts fencing mask) What?

PIPPIN
Denethor is going to go on vacation!

GANDALF
So?

PIPPIN
He’s going to Pluto! And he’s taking Faramir with him!

GANDALF
Oooo, bad. Do you think he can wait a few minutes? I’m supposed to meet someone here.

PIPPIN

Who!?!

GANDALF
The King of the Nazgul. We’re going to have a duel. (swings sword around)

PIPPIN
(shoves Gandalf off towards the basement) The King of the Nazgul can wait! You have to help me talk some sense into Denethor!

GANDALF
Okay, okay, I get the point. Stop pushing!

Cut to Pippin pushing Gandalf into the basement.

GANDALF
(looks from Denethor to the shuttle, and back to Denethor) What in Middle earth do you think you’re doing!?!

DENETHOR
Taking a vacation. Have you got a problem with that?

GANDALF
No, I don’t think so, Mr. (calls to the servants) bring Faramir back down here!

DENETHOR
(as the servants bring Faramir back down) you may be able to stop him from going, but I can do as I like! (laughs and then runs up the shuttle) BLAST OFF!

The shuttle launches. Outside the orcs stop their attack to watch as the shuttle escapes the atmosphere.