i no its gonna be small and some may think its stupid but its my poem so oh well
[b][i]Hey you yes you we need to talk
On the past,present,and future
Just you and me I just need to talk
So how have you been I been fine this life just cant be boreing enough
So hows you Job me still I have not got a job but looking looking away
the friendships are good and my body quite heathly
or did you know it my birthday today on this day of march 17th
so when this conversation turnout to be about me
goodbye farewell lets not dwell this conversation has to end.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It ain't got a thing goin' for it.
Where are the commas that make this readable? Think about how you would say this out loud; you would have a break (comma) both times after "you."Firstly - grammar.
You haven't ended your last line with a full-stop, so this probably shouldn't be a capital letter. In actual fact, I think you've just missed the full-stops: don't do that, make sure they are where they're needed.
You need spaces after your commas.
Again, where's the comma that should be after "me" ?
The thing is, it just isn't poetry. It's not the length: I've seen great three line poems. It's not even really the lack of grammar, because that can be corrected - I was just showing you what you're missing so that you'll put in proper punctuation in future. It's the fact that there is absolutely no poetic content in this. Structure, meter, rhyme, rhythm, endstopping and enjambemant... these are the most basic of poetic techniques, and you will be hard pressed to get away without using most of them.
What you've done is written a sentance, stuck two lines breaks in it and called it a poem. It isn't. Writing a poem this short is probably more difficult than writing something longer, because you have to cram all the information into a very few lines. This hasn't got anything crammed into it; it hasn't got anything at all.
If you are honestly interested in writing poetry, take this to heart: you CANNOT keep writing ordinary lines and breaking them up: that's *not* poetry. Read poems; read books on poety; ask you English teacher, but learn what actually makes a poem, because all the indicators I've seen say that you're trying to write without really knowing what you're doing.
I think you should develop this a lot more. I mean, it could go on to discuss some other things, but it just... ends. There's really not much that can be said about it...