Prompt: Write a narrative piece about your life as the DOORS of an Operation Room. Describe experiences and events as seen through the eyes of the doors. You have 500 words.
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Locked-in syndrome:
His strenuous smile couldn't fool his daughter; the teary eyes gave him away. She scurried on with him, her hands weaved into his, refusing to let go.
“I’ll be back before you know it, Luna.” He whispered as she got yanked off by a nurse. Then, I closed in on her, blocking Luna’s father away from her reach.
The hallway watch says it's been three hours since then. In this while, her phone has rang five times and she has replied with the same phrase,
“He’s still in there, ma. But I think he’ll be out soon,” each time the sense of faith in her own words fading a shade lighter.
At the other end, ‘Daddy' has started to groan in pain now. I remember thinking that the dose of anaesthetic for coronary artery bypass graft surgery usually looked larger. The whispers and concerned tones of the surgery team gets louder until the head surgeon, in a much worried voice, cuts them all off. They huddle up, to one side of the patient, deeply engaged in discussion. It doesn’t take too long for me to realize that the red dripping from the surgery table is blood, and as the puddle beneath exponentially grows, my thoughts are screaming.
‘Just look to the other side, someone! Open the heparin drip already! The heparin’s making his blood too thin!’
The patients breathing is now audibly strained, but this just makes everyone’s discussion even more intense. One of them makes alteration in the oxygen mask, but no one looks to the floor on the other side, or notices the blood dripping down the patient’s side. I wish I knew how to speak, I wish I had a voice! I can see it but I can’t tell! Oh, I wish I were more than a door now! I wonder if this is what locked-in syndrome patients feel like. I wonder what the faintly conscious patient on the surgery bed is now feeling.
He shuffles a bit on the bed and then someone suddenly notices the bloody pool on the floor. The panic in everyone’s grimaced face sets off a wave of uncoordinated scrambling across the OR. Soon enough, everyone takes their positions and tries to undo the horrors. I hear muffled prayers from the surgeons and from the clueless Luna, almost in unison. The contrast in smell, of the stench of fresh blood mixed with antiseptics and the fragrance of hot chocolate in Luna’s hands worries me.
Another hour has passed by. Now a red eyed and pale Luna sits with an unforgiving expression of shock spelled on her face. She hasn’t said the word daddy since the devastated surgeon came out to pull her up from beside me and in his defeated but composed voice informed her of how her father’s heart had failed to continue beating, despite their efforts. The pool of blood’s been spotlessly swept off, and the patient's medical papers read “death due to weak heart musculature.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there!!! Here for a review as requested!!!! Nice idea you have here!!! But I don't think that's technically slaughtering a piece by telling you that.lol
Suggest a word change here. Instead of "Weaved" I would use "intertwined", or something like that.
This one I just think needs a period added in. There's a couple of spots like that throughout the piece, but if you run through, you'll see them. Its not a big deal though.
What exactly are the horrors? Either I missed something or its just not there, but I think you could be a little more precise on that.
One other thing I'm wondering. Usually the mother would be there, if her husband is inside of OR. Why isn't she? I think that should be explained a bit. Or maybe you are just focusing on the daughter's pain and not the mother's? I'm just curious on that point.
OK, that's all I have to say, as to the nitpick part.
All that being said, I absolutely love how you made the door the narrator. That is soooo cooooooll!!! Sometimes the most common objects are the best. And Luna seems very real to me in her pain, except I do think there needs to be a little detail on it and just what she is feeling( what am I doing with another nitpick! lol)
All in all, awesome short story!!! Keep up the good work!!!
Hi dear! Interesting story you've got here! Nice perspective. Is this for uni or something?
Anyway, one of the first thing I though of was that the doors can see on both sides? Hmm interesting. Could it be made more interesting if the doors could see only one side? What if they could only see out? Or only into the OR? Interesting, ja?
So. Anyway. Some comments as I read through the story :
" Her cold sweaty palms have been pressed against me for too long now. " I don't get why you italicized her sweaty here. It seemed like unnecessary emphasis to me. Which read wonkily in my head.
So. She can't see inside right? If she can't, I find it difficult to imagine her pressing her hands and face to the door. I would expect her to stand next to it, or sit leaning on it or something.
I think your third para could be worked on or scrapped. At this instant, it doesn't seem to add much to the story except that as a door, they have already seen such things. Nor is there an emotional tug - because I think the daddy bit could be worked into some emotional feel but the doors having seen it too many times rips it away. Which makes it a good emotional imagery that you can pull off if you work it well. Try to get across the daddy feels and then is torn away from the reader as the door sighs in recognition of an oft seen scene.
Love how you weaved in the Locked in syndrome into this. Nice job on that!
" Someone suddenly notices the bloody pool on the floor, the panic in everyone’s grimaced face is heart pounding. Swiftly, everyone takes their positions and tries to undo the horrors." You know, I love the second half of this para! It sounds so good when you write of these contrasting smells. But for this quoted part, I think you can perhaps reword it so that you don't just 'say' beating hearts. As in try to get the readers to feel it as well.
" I wonder what the faintly conscious patient on the surgery bed is now feeling/ " I think the preceding sentence is typo-ended with a comma. Also, I think this is a strongish emotion you could emphasise on especially since you mentioned the anesthesia levels earlier.
You know, time is an interesting perspective from the POV of a door. It just stays on for a long while.
Also, why is daddy in quotes? I never understood that? Is he not her daddy?
Sorry for the rambly review style. It was pretty much the thoughts in my head as I read your piece.
Also, let me know if you put up an edited version of it. I would totes love to read it and give some more rambliness.
Cheers,
Lava
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT REVIEW!! <333333333333