If you were a watermelon, and the sun were a bee

Okay, so your rhyme scheme changes in this poem. You need to tackle that and get it down. The first stanza doen't have any rhyme, while the second is ABCB, the second to last stanza is ABCD and the final stanza is AABA. That's a bit of a problem. I really like the concept and the whole premise of of your poem. The first stanza was quite cute and genius at the same time.
I wish there was some sort of rhythm to this poem, but when it's so long that can be exhausting.

I just can't get over how unique you whole analogy is with the fruit, and your final message of choose who you are before you can't anymore and you turn out to be like everyone else. It is a good message that most people need to hear more often.

When you did rhyme, it sounded kind of forced. This is my piece of advice: Don't let yourself become the slave of your rhyming. If you don't want to rhyme or you can't figure out how to rhyme something so it sounds NATURAL (that's the key word here) go to a thesaurus, or change your sentence around. Or, just get rid of the rhyming all together. Sometimes free verse can get your point across better than rhymes. Rhymes certainly sound better but they can get in the way and muddle what you're really trying to say.

Good job! You have a great poem here and great potential! Keep writing!

-Fortis Fortitude

Hi Duke,

I really liked this poem. I think it had a great meaning, and you managed to bring it across exceedingly well. I like your use of symbolism. Oranges, watermelons all in a basket - it was very clever idea. (I know someones already said this) but I must agree, you create very unique phrases.

I really liked the beginning, and how you said they were all the same, but you said they had slight tints - something a little different about them. In my opinion, that shows that we all have the potential to be different, if we want to be, even if we've spent a long time as "oranges".

The ending and use of questions summarised the poem well. And I agree with Mossyra - sometimes the rhythm of the poem was a bit unstable. But apart from that you did a splendid job. Interested to see what you write next!

Deanie x

I really like how you ended this poem with a question. It really makes the reader think about everything that you just wrote. This really sends a strong message in a different way, I never though of humans as oranges. Your message was very strong and the way you portrayed it was very unique, I liked it very much. I think that I might like to be a watermelon.

I liked it! The flow of the poem was very natural, and the subject well-organized and well-displayed. A couple of the phrases you used were very ear-catching, too, like "mad vase display"--very creative and original. The only thing that gave me pause was the syllable count; a couple of your verses ran a bit longer than they should have, since the ones before them weren't as long, and it broke up the rhythm some. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, so I thought I'd mention it. Other than that, though, and some missing punctuation, I can't see anything wrong with it.

I liked it, but I'm not going to do a review. So only thing I say is that you should fix your title. The correct way woulc be: If you were a watermelon, and the sun was a bee. You see, the sun is an "it". And "it was", not "it were". Just to help ^^

Sincerely yours, Bob Walker.