Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

12+ Violence

The Arisen - Chapter 1

by Ducklinstories


Asmodeus felt the icy blade of the sword against his neck, while the metallic stink of the sword filled his nose.

“Don’t move,” Eris said.

A grin rose on Asmodeus’ face

“Oh come on this isn’t a fair fight Eris” he stopped for a moment looking at the blade pressed against his neck “I thought you had some honor left, it looks like I was wrong.” Eris knew what her brother was doing, one of his manipulative tricks. He had always been the best at tricking the mind, even when they were children. When they were nine Asmodeus broke a vase and yet he made Eris believe it was her fault the vase broke.

Eris smiled “I did not mean this to be a fair fight, dear brother of mine” she tightened her grip on the hilt of the sword. “We never played fair, so where did this sudden burst of fairness and dignity come from?

Asmodeus chuckled “You know it’s not very comfortable here on my knees, as you may know the ground is quite hard” Asmodeus let his hand slide down to his leather boots, Asmodeus always kept an extra dagger in the lining of them. If he could distract Eris long enough, she would not notice his plan.

“What do you mean by that?”. Asmodeus made a little bounce of joy inside. He got her attention. “Ah, every time I won over you, you lay there on the ground like an abandoned puppy mourning for its owner” Asmodeus had found a grip on the dagger in his boot and dragged it out. He felt the pressure of the sword on his throat increase

“I hate you” snarled Eris. In one swift motion he thrust his elbow full force backwards into Eris’ stomach, causing her to drop the sword, which came down with a loud clatter. As Eris recovered from the blow, he took advantage of the moment and grabbed a full hand of her black hair, causing Eris to be flung to the ground. “Fun fact sister” with just enough force to keep her on the ground he placed his leather boot on her chest “I love you too” he laughed. Asmodeus’s words echoed through the great hall of the palace, creeping into the ancient walls.

“Enough” called a shrill voice, coming from the shadows of the great hall. The clicking of heels echoed down the hall, revealing a solidly built man. His gray hair swayed with his stride. Two piercing blue eyes that showed traces of the long life the man had lived looked straight at him.

Asmodeus felt his breath catch as he glanced down at his boot still resting on his sister’s chest.

“Father” as the word left his lips, he shamelessly removed his foot from Eris’ chest.

Asmodeus was getting ready for a sermon like he usually got. It was always his fault, sometimes his father was right, but most of the time it wasn’t. At the thought of all the times he had been unjustly punished, he balled his fists.

“Is this how I raised you? Like a bunch of wild animals!” roared his father. In the corner of his eye, Asmodeus saw Eris cringe like a frightened mouse. It remained icily silent as their father’s eyes flashed back and forth between the two, waiting for an answer. Asmodeus bit his tongue softly, which he did when he was nervous. If there was one man who scared him, it was his father. At the thought of his father, his back burned and he felt the welts of the old whipping revive.

“Who was it? Eris or you, Asmodeus?” Their father pulled out from the pocket of his gold-seamed pants a ring with a red diamond. He slid the ring around his bony finger with great care. Asmodeus knew all too well what this meant.

“It was me, I challenged Eris to a duel.” Asmodeus took a step towards his father, who had a grin on his face. “Nice of you to be so honest, Asmodeus.” Before Asmodeus even realized it, his father’s hand flew into the air, after which it hit Asmodeus’ jaw. Asmodeus staggered backwards, searching for his balance, but before he had a chance, the second slap arrived. With a dull bang, he landed on the ground. In the distance, he heard Eris’ wail.

“Freshen up, tonight an important guest is coming over, we don’t want to make a poor impression, do we?” Their father turned in a jerk, but before he disappeared again into the shadows of the palace, he glanced over his shoulder “And oh, Asmodeus cover the wounds on your jaw a little.” with those words his father was swallowed up by the darkness and left the great hall.

Asmodeus felt defeated by how he lay there on the floor with a throbbing jaw. His father might be older, but certainly not weaker. The slaps came hard, but this was normal for him. He always took the blame because he knew Eris would succumb to their father’s slaps.

His knees creaked as he tried to get up. His head spun a little, an icy taste dominating his mouth. He sought support against one of the marble pillars as he wiped the bit of blood from his cheek with the sleeve of his velvet shirt.

“You heard father we need to get ready” muttered Asmodeus.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 75
Reviews: 5

Donate
Sun Apr 11, 2021 10:47 pm
View Likes
PaigeFantasy wrote a review...



hi, I think of this as a amazing first chapter! very descriptive, but in a good way. I like the way it describes Asmodeus, Eris, and their Father. the fight shows them, ( as another reviewer said ) as typical siblings.
you should probably put a comma at the end of some sentences.
it shows the father as abusive, a jerk, and definitely not a good person.
but seriously, I really like this! please keep on writing similarly to this, as you did an amazing job. :)
me when i had read this: “dude! this is amazing!”
hope you keep writing, and have a good day :)






Haha you make me blush! I am glad you liked it
-Ducklin



User avatar
35 Reviews


Points: 3161
Reviews: 35

Donate
Fri Apr 09, 2021 3:32 pm
View Likes
IsProcrastinator wrote a review...



Hello, IsProcrastinator here for the review!

Interesting start! I liked how you jump right into action, and provide information about the characters through their dialogues. You did a great job describing the fight. My first impression of Asmodeus was that he was sly and clever. That he is, but what I liked even more was how he takes all the blame so Eris wouldn't get hurt. Although a moment ago they were engaged in a duel and beating up each other (typical siblings haha). They have an interesting dynamic.

Their dad is scary, and the way he doesn't hesitate to hit his son shows this kind of thing happens often. I'm interested to know more about them. Was their dad always like that, or did something happen and made him that way? They seem quite an interesting family.
Also intrigued who this important guest could be.

All in all, this was a really enjoyable read. I loved how you make the reader root for Asmodeus with a single act of taking the blame for the sake of his sister. I think he's going to be quite an amusing character, with his sly attitude.

There were a few places where a comma or period was missing at the end of the dialogue:

“Oh come on this isn’t a fair fight Eris” he stopped for a moment looking at the blade pressed against his neck “I thought you had some honor left, it looks like I was wrong.”


As you follow the dialogue with an action, the dialogue should end with a period [here would be a period between Eris and ”]

Also, another period after 'neck' in this example. I'd suggest you go through the dialogues to spot these.

It'd be nice if you include more physical description of the characters and settings.

Overall, this was an interesting first chapter. Now I'm intrigued to see who this 'guest' is.

Happy writing! :)






thank you for the review! i%u2019ll Keep in mind that I need to use Some more physical description Since I honestly forgot that the readers can%u2019t see in my head and don%u2019t see my image of Amodeus and Eris haha! Again a big thanks



User avatar
176 Reviews


Points: 16908
Reviews: 176

Donate
Fri Apr 09, 2021 9:18 am
View Likes
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Ducklinstories,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You wrote a very exciting story. For the first chapter, it gave a very good impression to the reader.

I'm not sure yet who the main character will be - Asmodeus or Eris. But that will probably only become clear in the next chapters. It's good how you start the story right away in a battle and throw in some points to learn more about the two siblings. It's also good how in the second half the father comes into play, and as a reader you raise the questions of who this guest will be. What is the status of this family? Are they wealthy? Recognised in society?
There is also the question of how Eris and Asmodeus came to duel. You did a good job of drawing the reader in like that.

while the metallic stink


I'm not sure here, but wouldn't it be better to distinguish "stink" by "smell"? I assume that the smell of the metal of the sword does stink, but as you described it in the sentence, it seems more like the usual "smell of the metal". (Hope that's explained understandably.) :D

Fun fact sister.


I can't say much about Asmodeus' personality yet, except for the point you learn about how manipulative he is. (And that he turns into a wimp as soon as the father shows up.) I also don't know in which time the whole plot is set, so I'm not sure here if "Fun Fact" doesn't sound too modern for Asmodeus? But that's not really a criticism, just a comment.

What I also like is the way you have built up the plot. The structure is good with the paragraphs and you can already tell which character is speaking.
The siblings are well designed and your descriptions are also great. You had the opportunity to capture the reader with the first chapter, which I think you did well.

Enjoy the rest of your writing!

Mailice.






Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it




we went from advice to meth real quick
— ShadowVyper