Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Theatre

E - Everyone

Ashes

by Ducklinstories


As the wind blows, my voice will be heard. Never will I leave you as the ashes of my life will follow you where ever you go. Lead by the last bit of hope that remains of me, you will move on. Tears I cried will feed your thirst. Blood I bled will still your hunger for revenge. My words will embrace your heart and save it from crumbling in shattered pieces.

As I leave the Earth, you will grow, grow in what I want you to become.

Taken by the cold ground and dragged down deeper and deeper, you will fly high while the warm sun rays caress your face, your beautiful face.

The rain will flow over and echo his excuses to you as you come down to this miserable place. My energy, love, hope, and soul will be yours. So everything I will be and remain is ashes.

While you will burn as the fire that destroyed me.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 53
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sat Jan 30, 2021 2:19 am
View Likes
REDBLUESTARFISH wrote a review...



This was the first thing I read when I came across this site, unsure if I was prepared to jump into a community whos writing skills far surpass my own. I was afraid, but this poem had me so captivated, and it convinced me to press onwards and create beautiful moving pieces of art just like this one! I thank you sincerely ^^

I love how many captivating words you use, and by using them so well, it creates a sense of imagery and beauty, sadness, and an overall mood of acceptance and the feeling there is to lose someone and have to continue on.


I honestly can't find much wrong with it (Probably because I am a total Noob and just started) so keep doing you!! :)






Thank you! and welcome to the community :)



User avatar
89 Reviews


Points: 391
Reviews: 89

Donate
Mon Jan 11, 2021 10:18 pm
View Likes
mordax wrote a review...



I only recently fell in love with poetry, and your poem displays the reasons why. Words can be used in so many ways, and your poem utilizes them in such devastating beauty. It's one of those poems that you read and you can feel each word bleeding into your heart and clinging to flesh like your 'ashes'. It's one of those poems that enraptures the soul in its lull, trapping it in this land of unimaginable beauty. I applaud you greatly at your ability to accomplish this.

Now, I don't really have anything to critique. Like anything. So, wonderful job again.

mordax






Thank you,
AHA you Made me blush i%u2019m verry happy u liked my poem!



User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 276
Reviews: 11

Donate
Thu Jan 07, 2021 5:23 pm
TheRealEuphoria wrote a review...



This poem automatically caught my attention from the first two lines. It's an emotional piece that I appreciated the whole way through!

First, I love how you added so much personality in this poem. It screams theatre. I could imagine a boy, or even a father, reading this to a loved one or significant other. Instead of dialogue, you made it poetic. Some lines rhymed like:

... you will fly high while the warm sun rays caress your face, your beautiful face...


The rain will flow over and echo his excuses to you as you come down to this miserable place...


The ending was also insanely strong. I love this poem. Great job!






thank you! i really appriciate the love!!



User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 148
Reviews: 45

Donate
Wed Jan 06, 2021 5:50 pm
yumi wrote a review...



You have a strong sense of flow, and a flair for imagery. This poem lulls you in gently, like the flow of the smooth ocean, and ends in fiery devastation. Short, but deadly.
I am a bit confused by the very last bit of the poem... Why did you sign "E" at the bottom? Is that supposed to be the voice of the poem? The reason for having vague signatures is usually because you have a character you MUST right about to tell a tale, but don't want to lie in any way, as it pertains to a real or fictional re-telling of a matter of record, and you MUST mention someone who should be anonymous. There may be something I'm missing, but I don't think you NEED the signature. I would have left it off.
Otherwise, this was an incredibly strong poem with a strong finish, and a powerful message. Thank you!






thanks! i edited the poem so the 'E' is gone!



User avatar
136 Reviews


Points: 23308
Reviews: 136

Donate
Wed Jan 06, 2021 3:57 pm
View Likes
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hey there, stygianmoon here for a review :P

✅✅✅ PLUSES ✅✅✅

The way you write is just amazing, it's flowing, it's simple and yet effective- with a strong message behind. And I absolutely adore that style.
That last line was also soooooo striking. It just grandly ends the whole poem and leaves the reader satisfied. It just stuck my heartstring (not sure if that's an English expression lol. I'm French) in such a way.. it's just.. grandiose.
The imagery is strong, the word choice and the vocal as well. And I really don't have much to say for the spelling or grammar, since you seem to have perfectly mastered the art of writing.

❌❌❌ MINUSES ❌❌❌

The sentences are waaaay too wordy. I know it's for a sense of style, and the way the long sentences burns down to a final short one, almost like reborn- is, to say the least, interesting. But quite frankly it cuts the flow. There are also times when you do things as
"The rain will flow over and echo his excuses to you as you come down to this miserable place. My
energy"

Now I might be wrong but.. what is the point of cutting halfway in that sentence, when you could've skipped a line for the next sentence? That's why I really think you did that because it's supposed to be a sort of paragraph-poem. The first stanza points to that. But those are looooooong, wordy, and just difficult to read with how choppy and lengthy they are. Did I also mention that they break the flow? Because yeah. They do.






Hey,
THAKN YOU so much for the review. I know that the sentences are wordy, it's just my writing style I guess but I will try to avoid it the next time!




The most important thing is to preserve the world we live in. Unless people understand and learn about our world, habitats, and animals, they won't understand that if we don't protect those habitats, we'll eventually destroy ourselves.
— Jack Hanna