Young Writers Society

First of all, this reminds me of some stories I did a little bit back, before all the angst began permeating my teenage life. It written in an upbeat manner, which I like, and it does have some potential to be a really awesome story. It has an interesting plot line, and the mood of the piece is positive, which really sucked me in.

The main thing that's holding back the story is the grammar. Grammar is usually one of those "things" that nobody likes. I mean really... which would you rather do? Write a story, full of life (like you have done) or edit it, paying close attention to the grammar? Even so, grammar is the the thing that usually can hold back a good story from being a great story. Your story has lots of potential and all you have to do is fix a couple of grammatical errors.

Let's go through it!

"Kelly, your tour starts in less than a month! You have to choose your opening band soon!" Said an angry Ann, Kelly's PA, "Or else I will have to pick one myself!"

Okay, first of all, remember when I said I wasn't really used to today's music? I have no idea what a PA is. I'm not saying that you should go on this lengthy description about what a PA is (that would be boring) but perhaps you don't have to abbreviate it.

And then... dialogue!

Dialogue is really the coolest parts of the story. The thing that really seperates story writing from any other sort of writing is the dialogue. Coincidentally, dialogue can be really fun to write.

First! Let's go over punctuation in dialogue.

Read this:

Punctuation is awesome.

Punctuation is awesome!

Punctuation is awesome?

Punctuation is… awesome.

Punctuation is… awesome!

Punctuation is… awesome?

Most likely in your head you will be reading the sentences in different ways. You will probably be making the sentences with exclamation points sound more excited, the ones with the periods sound more mellow, and the ones with the question marks sound confused. For the ones with the triple periods, you’ll automatically place a pause there.

Isn’t that cool??? Your brain automatically assigns different ways of reading something just by the punctuation you use. With that said, punctuation is one of the most fundamental elements of writing. There was once a professional writer (I believe Ernest Hemingway) who, upon being asked what he did for his novel, replied, “I put a comma in.” If Ernest Hemingway would spend an entire day figuring out where to put his comma, then you can correctly assume that where punctuation is can change the whole effect of the story.

Exclamation marks are one of the best tools a writer can use. Not only can it create enthusiasm in the piece and stress something out, it can also add an interesting way of telling something. It also gives a very friendly feeling to the piece. Look at how many exclamation marks I'm using in this critique! Most likely, you think I'm the nicest girl ever. In fact, most of my critiques which are NOT well received generally do not have a lot of exclamation marks. Exclamation marks can have a HUGE effect on the reader! However, exclamation marks, like all things, can be used for evil instead of good.

For instance, look at your first three sentences. In each sentence you have an exclamation mark at the end. This creates a feeling of false enthusiasm. Mind you, it's quite understandable. The first thing you want to do as a writer is to create an interesting opening, and exclamation marks can help you a lot with that. But there is such a thing as overdoing it.

Try to limit your exclamation marks to the things that your characters are actually exclaiming.

Now, I'm kind of strange. Unlike most people, I believe that dialogue isn't just what your characters say, but also the detail that supports what your characters say. So when I read what you wrote, I imagine Ann, her hands on her hips, glaring at Kelly with a death stare. This may not be the image you want. The best way you can put an image in your reader's mind is to describe. Now I don't mean you have to describe every fleck of spit coming from Ann's mouth -- that would be boring -- but the more you describe, the more vivid a picture will come into your reader's mind.

And then there's dialogue grammar!

Dialogue grammar is immensely difficult to figure out. It's like one of those puzzle pieces. Some of them look like they fit in together, but when you finally fit the right piece in, it's absolutely gorgeous. I did a little topic of dialogue grammar in the Writing Tips section (see it here). It basically has some tips about writing dialogue.

But let's look at what you said in the first paragraph!

"Kelly, your tour starts in less than a month! You have to choose your opening band soon!" Said an angry Ann, Kelly's PA, "Or else I will have to pick one myself!"

With correct dialogue grammar, your story would look like this:

"Kelly, your tour starts in less than a month! You have to choose your opening band soon!" said an angry Ann, Kelly's PA. "Or else I will have to pick one myself!"
"But I can't choose! There's three bands I like," protested Kelly.
"So then pick the one you love, the band you can't live with out...and what do you know? You picked an opening band!"
"Um, alright," she said mumbling to herself. "I don't think I could live with out that Graham."

Stop the presses!

Notice, for the two last sentences (the last line anyway) I wrote this as correct dialogue: "Um, alright," she said mumbling to herself. "I don't think I could live with out that Graham."

You originally had it as, "Um, alright." mumbling to herself. "I don't think I could live with out that Graham."

Now, the question is, who is mumbling to themselves? I'm sure this is just one of those random mistakes that came out of nowhere (I saw a particularly bad one in my story the other night as a matter of fact..) so I'm not too worried about it, but just keep a keen eye for them!

"Did you say something?"

Remember what I said about dialogue was not just what they said but what they're doing while they're saying? I'm dying to know what Anna looks like! Is she making fun of Kelly? Is she truly surprised that Kelly chose a band? Is she disgusted with her choice? You can't leave me on a cliffhanger! Describe what her face looks like, what her voice sounds like, what her hands are doing... anything!

"I know who I want my opening band to be!" Kelly exclaimed.

Ann starts to run around Kelly saying "Thank you, God!"

Yep... I stopped... again.

It's not a problem with the dialogue, thank goodness for you, but rather a trickier problem which takes a little bit more eye to see. It's called tenses. When you say "Kelly exclaimed" or "She said" you are writing in the past tense about past events. It's done, over, gone. The event will never happen again, or if it does, not in the way it was first experienced.

Then there's the present tense. Instead of Kelly "exclaimed" it would be "Kelly exclaims." For example (and I don't want to sound like a butthead pointing out my stories... it was the first thing that came to mind, honest) one of my stories is written in the present tense. Look it over briefly if you want and notice how different it sounds.

What are the differences? Past tense is usually the more common tense. It sets up the reader for a story and gets them in the mood for reading. Present tense is a little bt more lyrical, and is generally used for the more "poetic" pieces, if you will. For your story here, I would recommend the past tense.

Ann started to run.

"Well, don't you want to know who it is?" Kelly asked kinda confused.

Hehehe! I wish kinda was a real word. But it's not. What you would say instead would be, "kind of." But that sounds a little too wordy for me. I would just say, "Kelly asked, confused."

"I don't really care at this point," joked Ann, "I am just so glad that it only took you four months to choose one." She rolled her eyes.

Ah yes... the debate about said.

Some writers hate the word said. Other writers love it. It's quite a controversy. Even so, instead of using all these words to say "said" it's better to just put "said" down instead of "joked." It's just the accepted way.

"Anyways, I don't think I could live without the Graham Colton Band."

I like this line for some reason... it sounds real.

"I should have known, since they were the only boy band left." Ann laughs.
"So, do you want me to call them, or you?"

Ann walked away. She's too excited that Kelly has finally picked an opening band to even hear Kelly ask that. Ann and the rest of Kelly's management were getting worried that Kelly wouldn't pick an opening band in time, then they would have to pick one themselves. And none of Kelly's management was leaning for the Graham Colton Band. That would mean they would have a cranky Kelly all tour, and no one likes a cranky Kelly!

Okay, watch out for the tenses in that last bit. Also, the last sentence is a little strange. What do you want to say?


So! I hope this didn't completely bore you to death. Or discourage you. On the contrary, this reminds me of stuff I once did, so I always get hyper when I see a writer who is or was like me in style. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one!

Good luck!