Published January 18, 2009
Right, please tell me up front if you think this is garbage. I can't really see it very well objectively. I know you got to get rid of 80% of what you write, so I'm having a crack at the 20% but if I fail, tell me it straight, Doc.
It would seem utter simplicity
The same moment in time
But I’m hung up on synchronicity
Can’t wrap this concept round my mind
How can the clocks tick all together?
When they are light seconds apart.
And why is no-one asking whether:
It was this clock or that clock to start?
What is the exact length of a second?
Surely it can be split?
It’s not like an atom, as we reckoned,
There is smaller time within it.
It is just a human invention,
Not Newton’s absolute;
Yet it is a useful convention,
That no-one would persecute.
Yet with this knowledge, we must consider,
That time and space; unresolved
But one constant we must deliver,
For this equation must be solved.
With this problem, my mind is lurching,
it seems an impossible task,
While I am thinking, ever searching,
For the right questions to ask.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Synchronicity is literally two events synchronised; happening at the exact same time. Like synchronising clocks. I haven't heard that alternative meaning...
HI Ducati!
I loved this poem a lot. It was really nice. It seems as though everyone else caught your mistakes. I am just here to say how much I liked you poem.
Happy Writing.
Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Hiya! Here as requested!
Overall I found the flow was good. I found the rhyme a bit forced here:
It's a "fast read" type of rhyme, and I tend to read poetry slowly.
Word choice is pretty good. The tone can be a little forced at times, but since I love the lines they're rhyming too I won't point them out.
One other thing- I don't find the title fits here. "Synchronicity" to me means a, well, you could say "lucky" chain of events, not a bunch of events that happen at the same time.
What that leads me to is that stanza one is part of a different poem then the rest of it. Just my opinion though.
Hope I helped!
Hey, Ducati! Here again
And yeah, I do also lyrics. Forgot to mention that.
Maybe a little exception is this line:
Well, I must say. The rhyming and flow work very well! So congrats on that
It's just slightly too wordy.
Some nit-picks here.
Change to:
How can the clocks tick all together
when they are light seconds apart?
And why is no one asking whether
it was this or that one to start?
I removed all the 'clock's, as you can see – with them, it was repetitive. I also changed the punctuation a little.
Did we really reckon it's like an atom? I just had to ask, because even though the rhyming is perfect here, the stanza is a little random. Sorry
Hmm. What's wrong with the second line? Why aren't there any verb? You mean that time and space are unresolved, right? Why don't put the 'are' there – it wouldn't mess up the flow. Also, I don't see an equation anywhere
The last stanza is also a it vague. What seems an impossible task?
You know, I'm such a sucker for good rhyming. So with that, you did a great job! The meaning and the thought got left in the shadows of the rhyming, so the poem itself is a little vague, as I said. I'm just still amazed by the flow, I can't really say anything else. Hopefully I still helped even a little?
See you around,
Demeter
xxx