Published December 22, 2008
You are so substantial;
you fill up their hearts
and my face is darkened
by your shadow.
I am so fragile
flitting in the wind,
your hug holds me down
and grounds me.
You are so learned
so effortlessly wise
that my trivial notions
are cast aside.
I am so young
yet you are not old
and youth’s charms
are fast fleeting.
You love me so, sister
and I love you too
but yours is all sweet
and mine is bitter.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,905 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
Thank you for your very lengthy review, do you know, I'd forgotten I'd even asked for it! I will make some changes to the stanza you mentioned, it has always felt a bit off, to be honest. Oscar Wilde was a very clever man, but not as cynical as he would like the world to think he was. I think true feeling can be beautiful because it scares people with it's simplicity. Don't quote me on that, though.
Ooh, I do really like this, a lot. ^_^ Sorry for the time it took to critique, I would have done this review way earlier seeing as I definitely owe you, but I completely lost your request. Anyway, without further ado -
I think the use of a semi-colon here detracts from the meaning of the two-liner. For me, it would sound a lot more poignant if you god rid of it, so the two lines were somehow connected in their meaning. It would make the verse rather perfect.
As Suz said, I think this would be better shown through an example. Think about imagery and metaphors that you could use to portray this, instead of using adverbs and adjectives. Try to really bring across feelings and visual images together.
This isn't particularly helpful, but this was such a beautiful verse to end with. 'You love me and I love you too' this is beautifully simple. It shows us that we don't always need to show off to eachother with flowery adjectives and complicated sentences, that sometimes simplicity is the very essence of beauty. I'll stop gushing now.
So how do we take these base thoughts and hone them into something with more universal appeal? Robert Frost said "When you are issued a poetic license, you are only allowed to use the word beautiful three times." I believe his point was that no one, no matter who you are, can make the same words and images work effectively over and over again.
Anyway, I think this poem was darling. However, I think that in places, it would benefit from imagery, to portray ideas better and show the reader more of your thoughts. Good imagery shows the reader something in such a way as he/she had not considered it before. To say, for example, "my heart withered like a dying rose" offers nothing new to readers of poetry. The poet must place himself among the readers and, thus, allow them a place in the poem with a comfortable, clear view.
Oscar Wilde put it best when he said, "All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling." Quite naturally, these feelings and/or thoughts are very special to you. However, you need to make sure that a reader will be equally moved by them, so you need to present it to your reader.
So then, why does it work even now to go back and read Elizabeth B. Browning's "How do I love thee, let me count the ways…" from Sonnets of the Portuguese, but a poet of today will be raked over the critic's coals for similar lines? Because love was her tool, and in her language it came alive as new and fresh, in a way it had never been spoken before.
For us to make the same theme work, the task is to bring something new and fresh into our language and give it a perspective that is uniquely our own. The images must jump off the page, fresh and original and offer the readers just the detailing needed to participate and truly experience the poem.
Good luck and well done.
-Sarah
Don't put our own work down! This is good! I've read bad poems, and this is not one.
Good imagery, nice symbolism.
I liked it because it wasn't silly and rhyming.
I think a lot of people can relate to it.
You should post more poetry. This is very, very good.
Here as requested, Ducati!
I really enjoyed reading this poem, because I can actually relate to it.
So you talked about being overshadowed by your sister, right? This poem has a good theme to it, but you need more meat. How does being overshadowed feel? Does it make you emotional? Show it!
*goes back and rereads it*
Okay, I can also see that you are doing okayish with the punctuation, but you need to add it in more, where it is needed, not just adding it every once in a while.
In the first stanza, who is this "their" which you talk about? The parents? Teachers? Since we don't know we will have to assume, and that is never good with poetry. You have to be specific with things like this.
The first line confused me. Substantial? Hmm.. Maybe not the best word choice
So, all in all, great poem, just needs a few tweaks here and there.
pm me if you have any questions!
*Princess*
I'm sitting at my computer blushing furiously right now. You guys really make me want to polish this piece and write more. Thank you.
Great starting stanza.
Nice imagery
Beautiful.
I really do love this stanza, has to be my favourite
Good ending, it hits you with a bang
Okay; I really liked this poem. It was beautiful and well written, but it also had a message. The message could be depicted easily, yet not too easily. I loved it. You incorprated great imagery and good word choice. Meaningful stanzas and interesting phrases. It was great
The only one criticism that I have is that at some points you failed to put in the correct grammar. Sometimes you missed out the odd apostrophe but I wouldn't worry too much about it
Well done
-Kirsten xxx
I love it to death.
It's really beautiful, especially the ending. You have some great imagery in it; I adore the shadow part. I like how the lines are so short, and the stanzas are very small, so it feels quiet just like the speaker probably is.
I'd say my only complaint would be the adjectives, especially at the end with "sweet" and "bitter". I love it and I wouldn't ask you to change it, but I'm not entirely certain I know what you're talking about. I think I'm catching jealousy the speaker has for the sister, but I cannot be certain. Apart from that, the way you describe things like in this stanza:
You are so learned
so effortlessly wise
that my trivial notions
are cast aside.
with learned, effortlessly, wise, trivial...I'm left wanting an example rather than an explanation. Is there any way you could be more specific while still maintaining the small style of the poem?
Other than that, and that's just nit picky me wanting more beauty from you, I do love it very much.
Oh you like me, you really like me!
Just kidding. Thanks for the reviews. I've been trying to think of how to change the 3rd stanza so it doesn't almost rhyme all day. Gah, so difficult.
.
[quote="Ducati"]You are so substantial;
you fill up their hearts
and my face is darkened
by your shadow.
I am so fragile
flitting in the wind,
your hug holds me down
and grounds me.
You are so learned
so effortlessly wise
that my trivial notions
are cast aside.
I am so young
yet you are not old
and youth’s charms
are fast fleeting.
You love me so, sister
and I love you too
but yours is all sweet
and mine is bitter.[/quot
*blinks* Wow. I loved this. It's so simple, but every word means something. You know? Not one of those words is unnecessary. And it's a fairly quiet poem, but then at the end, you realize it's over, and it hits you like an onomatopoeia. Brilliant work.
One small thing: the 'so effortlessly wise/are cast aside' lines rhyme a little bit. One of those 'uh oh! inconsistent rhyming' alarms went off in my head. But I'm pretty sure it was unintentional. I'd suggest changing it, but on the other hand, I really like the words you chose and how you used them, so....whatever. Maybe read it again and decide what to do.
Sorry this review wasn't more helpful, but I honestly cannot find more than that to critique. Again, this is a fantastic piece. Well done