Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter 2
The Story ( The beginning. We still have sooooo much story.)
Yeah, I know. Me calling myself a bitch is abit extreme, but I'm sure everyone thinks it. I also have abit of a temper. I can really blow up and once I blow up, I gold a grudge...for about 10 minutes. I also get abit angry when people tell me I'm wrong... Yup. Sucks. And I know what you're going to say... "But you are sometimes wrong" and "You are overreacting."
I'm born on the 23rd of Novemeber 1999. Yup. I'm also turning 16. Did you know that the 23rd of November 1963 is when Doctor Who started?! How amazing is that?! Sorry, I'm going off of topic... Now to get to the thing every young person has... a crush. Yeah, I do have one. Leo. He's amazing. His smile is the (Not trying to sound cliche) best thing I have ever seen.
His eyes are magnificent. He's funny and smart. There's just this thing about him... I can't get over it. GOSH! I can't get over him, but then there's Ryker. I've known him way longer than Leo and whenever I talk to him, I just can't help my surfacing feelings, but you know how girls think... I'm not good enough for either one of them.
HOLY SHIT!
I was not staring... I was not staring... Leo please... Please don't have seen me...Please...Oh thank god he didn't see me! I'm free!!! Wait why... No, You really don't have to come over here. "Oh hey, Leo! How's things going?!" Play it cool... Don't seem too intrested. "I mean I don't care but tell me anyway." WHAT THE HELL COOPER?!?! " I mean I do care but NOT IN THAT WAY! I mean not that you're not worth caring about in that way... I'm gonna shut up now." That beautiful smile of his appears in an instant. Oh gosh, I'm blushing.
"I just came over to get some notes from you. I missed Chem yesterday.." Oh thank gosh. "Oh and you were staring at me." Damn.
"I'm so sorry, I was totally zoned out." I wouldn't dare say I was zoned out thinking about you and another guy.
"Oh it's alright. It didn't really bother me." There's that smile again.
"So um... A couple of friends and I were planning on going Iceskating..." He trails off
I nod cooley, trying not to beg him to ask me to tag along.
"Sam and Jack are going to be together all the time so... I need a buddy." Oh my gosh! Wait...Buddy?
"Would you like to tag along?"
YES!! "Yeah sure. I just have to ask my parents."
Good work, Coop! Playing it cool.
"Oh yeah! Just let me know, kay?"
"Sure."
I pull out my phone to text Keiko.
"Guess what?! Leo asked me to go Iceskating with him!"
I lock my phone and breathe in heavily and as I breathe out, my phone vibrates.
"OMG!!! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!?! TELL ME EVERYTHING!!"
As I am about to reply I see her propfile picture has changed. I click it and wait for it to load....Oh shit.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,020 Reviews
Well this was really good, I look forward to your next chapters. I hope to see another chapter soon.
It's tough to decide when you feel like you're in love with two people. But as long as you follow your heart in choosing, you will have no regrets.
If this is a true story best advice is follow your heart. That applies to everything though, not just true stories but all things in life.
I'm a sap for romance novels, or anything with even a hint of romance in it.
Hi! I liked your work, and this is my review...
You had a few spelling mistakes, but it is hard not to make one. I understood what you were trying to say for the most part, but I recommend rereading your work before you publish it.
Another thing - I would really like to hear more about the setting and description of the characters. I know that this is an early chapter, but you didn't directly state the setting in this chapter. Like, who else is around them, has the setting changed... that sort of thing.
Also, I would have worded a few sentences differently. Like...
"Me calling myself a bitch is abit extreme, but I'm sure everyone thinks
it."
I would have left out 'me' and have typed the rest. Remember to check to see if it all flows on the tongue. If not, your work may get choppy and rocky, which is never good for your readers.
I wouldn't have repeatedly used the '!' sign or the '?' after a sentence, unless I was writing a diary entry. It makes it seem overused.
There were a couple of punctuation mistakes, nothing too major.
Finally, I would have added more emotion in the dialogue, and not only the actions, but you should make sure to include that, too. I recommend more words exchanged between your characters.
Sorry if that was a lot, but I have a lot to say. I'm not insisting, I'm suggesting. You show a lot of promise in your writing. Thanks for the read.