Chapter 1
Introduction to EVERYONE. (Well not everyone but some people)
"I stared at a wall that was filled with pictures of us... was filled...after my breakdown the other day , the wall remains bare and will stay this way. I see it as a metaphorical view of our relationship..."
"That is the cheesiest thing I have ever heard. and it's also kinda depressing... and cliche... but If thats what you are going for then awesome!"
Shit. It was NOT what I was going for.
"Yeah... It was exactly what I was going for." I smiled a small smile that I forced my eyes to show. She can tell a fake smile a mile away, But I've gotten good at hiding it.
"Well then it's fantastic!" She grinned a small grin. I closed my laptop and decided I'd backspace it all later.
"Why are you stopping now? You're on a roll! And also I have not seen you write anything in ages. It seems to make you really happy."
Yeah, when I can do it right without being cheesy. "Yeah it does but I'm really just not in the mood right now."
The door opened and in came my mother, knowing her she was probably watching outside before she came in. She is quite the snooper.
"Cooper, Dad has made supper. Keiko would you like to stay for dinner?"
"I'd love to Mrs. Johnson but I really have to be getting home. We are planning on having a family game night."
"Oh alright, maybe next time." She smiles. After she's walked away, Keiko starts packing her stuff up. Once all of her stuff is packed up she motions me to get up. I get up and hug her.
"I'll text you later, Coo." Keiko smiles and I can see she wants to say something but she decideds against it and leaves.
I return to my laptop and open it. Was this really that cheesy? 'YES!' my subconcious screams at me. I backspace everything but before I do I click the Save as button and make another save of it under "Draft". I then proceed to delete everything. I then decide to start all over again. My story will be loosely based on my own life.
My mom comes into my room again. "Cooper! Dinner!"
"Yes, Mom." I say closing my laptop. I walk downstairs and right into my dad.
"Oh sorry Dad, Didn't see you there." I smile and walk around him and into the kitchen. The smell of Bacon (Eww. I'm a vegitarian...) and Eggs. I can eat eggs so that's alright I guess.
"Well we already have the beauty here," he (he being my idiot brother, Newton) made circles with his index finger around his face "and the beast has finallly arrived!"
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Now I have a suggestion where you can put that finger if it's l.." "ENOUGH! I am so sick of you two fighting!" My mother looked so disapointed, but it was strange...Something in me didn't care. I only cared what I thought. I was in the right but I knew if I argued then I would be in even more trouble. "Yes, Mom." I said. Monotone but it's better than what I really thought.
My dad walks into the kitchen and smiles at everyone. "There ain't no party like a Johnson party!" My dad is quite a serious and scary guy but he has his moments. When my mom and I are fighting, I go to him. He's the most down to Earth person I know. He does actually have some aspurgus... actually alot of aspurgus. That means he can't really tell whether something he says will have effects on other peoples feelings.
My other brother, Callum, comes in and I suddenly lighten up. HE IS A WALKING MEME! He knows what to say in any situation to make a smile of everything. However no ones perfect and he does have quite a bit of a temper on him, but he is literally the only person who doesn't despise me.( Or at least I think he's the only one in my family.) See I'm the middle child and EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. Okay, so majority of the time it is but only because I have fallen trap to what society says a Middle Child is. Naughty. Mean. Nasty. Disrespectful. I can go on and on but my point is... I'm a bitch.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,021 Reviews
Hey! I'd like to give a review of my own thoughts when reading this, but also one that builds on top of what the first review on your story said.
So. My own thoughts. I see you as an author who develops their characters quickly, and well. You don't beat around the bush as to how Cooper views people around him; you give it to the reader straight. I, personally, think that's brilliant. You've left room for characters to grow, but you've given the audience a glimpse of who these characters are.
I'm not sure if you've ever watched Skins. It's a brilliant TV show that has honestly affected my writing. The characters are vibrant. They are so alive, and they are VERY complex. In season three (I believe, it's been a minute), the show begins with a new generation of teenagers. Your chapter reminds me of this episode, simply because it is titled, "Everyone," and the purpose of the episode is to introduce all of the characters. You receive enough information to get an idea of who each character is, but you get to know them better as the series goes on. You also see the change and development of the character. I'd say, that's what you've given so much room for; the development of your characters.
Now, having had given some of my own thoughts, this would be a good time to build on top of the first review. There is not much substance to this chapter. In the episode, "Everyone," characters were introduced, yes, but the plot was set into play. In other words, the first domino in a much larger scheme was knocked down, and continued on knocking down other domino's to create the bigger picture.
As books, TV shows are a story that unravels by a small series of stories. Each story is small and connected. I'm not sure how well my thought process is explained by those two sentences, but what I mean is, you may want to think of each chapter as an episode of your favorite TV show.
If you were watching a short episode that went by quickly and ONLY introduced characters, would you continue to watch? Well, maybe you'd push through, but that is not what you want readers to do. You want readers to be enthralled in your work. You want your readers to invest themselves into your work.
Now, I'm not telling you to go searching for what you don't have. But I am telling you: you may want to add a bit more substance to this chapter to pull your readers in. What you have is great, and I genuinely liked reading this. There are some works I begin to read, and I don't even make it through. There are others I do read, but I don't bother to review. I don't bother to review if I find it useless to do so. In this situation, though, I see you as a writer who can take constructive criticism and apply what you think you should from it. Maybe my review itself is complete crap. You are not obliged to even read what I have to say, but I want to offer you the advice I would hope one would offer to me. So having had said everything I could think to brush up on, I really enjoyed reading your work, and I hope to see more in the future. Good luck with your book, and happy writing!
Thank you for the great and detailed review. I will try and add more plot into the first chapter. I appreciate you taking the time to write this and I shall take your words to heart.
I like how this is going, the characters were introduced very well however there is no real meat in this chapter. Each chapter is supposed to be like a small story within itself. I think that maybe if you foreshadowed a problem for later than it would seem more like a chapter instead of the blab on the inside of the book cover or the back of the book. Otherwise this is written very well except you need to separate the dialogue from the paragraphs. Also it helps if you put the title of the book with the chapter number so it's easier to find. I hope you keep writing because I will keep reading.
Thank you for your advice on my book. It will prove to be useful