Published May 1, 2013
I am with my friend as we pull up into a McDonalds. We ask for our food,as we realize that we don't have enough money. The cashier tells us that we can't eat without money. As all of this is going on, a nice young lady from inside McDonalds, gives us money to pay for our food. As I said ''Thank you'' she said ''No problem, your welcome''. Thats the most generous thing, anyone has ever done for me.
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DSAKnantye, I would categorize this differently because it's too short for a "short story". Also, your writing mentions one generous lady, therefore, I would change your title to "person" or anything singular. This is a nice story about a good person; I would have elaborated a lot more on the surroundings, your friends (talk about HOW hungry you were) etc.... Also, I would have described the nice lady. Remember what you've learned about sentence variety, you begin most of your sentences the same way "As I...", change the structure a little more to make writing interesting. Good start, keep writing. Hurtado
Heloo! Dark here for a review today!
First of all i think maybe this should be part of the realistic section instead of short story, just because the it is probably a true story.
Next, the third person element is perfected in this. Also, not many people write about the random acts of kindness that happens to them. For this, I like this even more because it stands out more than most third person stories. You did great, Dsaknantye.
-Dark
Boom, it's Magma!
This story was... Short. That's alright, though. It's an alright short story, but it's a bit flat. Some people go into Maccas, don't have enough money, and a lady gives them some. Where are the details? How did you and your friend feel as this roller-coaster of fortune unfolded? What are your surroundings like? This story needs a little bit of life breathed into it, because right now it's like a half-inflated balloon.
So, noelsugarcube has pointed out all the grammatical errors, but there's one thing that really confuses me: Why is the title in quotes? It isn't uttered at any point in the story. Maybe you or your friend could say that on your way out? And why is this act of kindness so significant to you and your buddy, are you incredibly unpopular or something?
Overall, I think that this story could be really good, but it needs a lot of love to get it there. It's just a bit hungry.
Mags Out.
That's a very sweet anecdote. I live in a city where everyone basically ignores each other's existence so the only generosity I get is not being trampled over by a horde of people rushing towards a bus
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The punctuation is a bit off. Also, it's supposed to be 'you're'. But seriously, this makes me want to go out and buy someone ice-cream.
Awww, that's sweet of that lady. I wish all people were that nice, then we wouldn't have poverty/wars/etc. *sigh* all in good time. But anyways, review time! =) You don't have any spelling problems, but you have a lot of grammar issues. #1, "a nice young lady from inside McDonalds, gives us money to pay for our food." I'm not positive you need that comma between "McDonalds" and "gives". #2, ''Thank you'' she said ''No problem, your welcome''. You need to add in a comma after "you" and "said". Some weird rule says so. #3 (the last one) "thats" needs an apostrophe between the "t" and "s" because "that's is a conjunction. so yeah, that's all. Overall, this story was very inspiring, and more people should read this. =) keep up the good work =).