What people see in you

Hey !
Welcom to YWS
anyways.. i think that this idea was really good, and i see where you are coming from, but i feel that your poem doesn't have much rythmn, and seems too sketchy, and too..forced, if that makes sense?

i could try to help you if you like, PM me (:

i really love the idea though
x

sorry if that was too harsh..im not the best a critiques..

Hi I'm new to YWS. Do you have any tips about work i may submit? Pm me or reply on here
Thanks

Adele x

Welcome to YWS, Drifter. As Aedomir said, we ask that you keep a general ratio of two critiques to one post of your own work, but it's all good since you're new ^_^ You might want to check out the rules as well. Now onto the poem!

Ending with a smiley face of any sort doesn't exactly give off the idea of seriousness. Why should they be used when words should be the strong point? Same with using proper punctuation such as apostrophes and capitalizing "I". To that extent, adding lines that try to excuse the poem don't do much either. Self deprecation won't get anyone anywhere. Being confidant in what you've written will.

Look at the last line: if I read it independent from the rest of the poem, I'd guess that I could get the same message without reading anything else in the poem. The last line is a summary, rather than a closing. It doesn't say anything new. Better would be to eliminate that line and expand the rest of the poem so that statement is something we understand rather than something that we're told.

Good luck!

Hi Drifter.

YWS does ask you to do at least two reviews per one submission you make, to keep the balance. Firstly, I will ask you to do the spell checker. Next, read this:

[s]the[/s]The people see me when my friends see me they see me as a [s]rockstar[/s] rock star.
When a girl sees me, they see me as a fool.
But [s]but[/s] when I [s]i[/s] see [s]me[/s]myself [s]i[/s] I see an ordinary person.
Don't you wish people [s]can[/s] could see you as you see [s]your self[/s] yourself?

The people see me.
When my friends see me, they see me as a rock star.
When a girl sees me, [s]they[/s] she see me as a fool.
But when I see myself
I see an ordinary person.
Don't you wish people could see you,
as you see yourself?