Hey !
Welcom to YWS
anyways.. i think that this idea was really good, and i see where you are coming from, but i feel that your poem doesn't have much rythmn, and seems too sketchy, and too..forced, if that makes sense?
i could try to help you if you like, PM me (:
i really love the idea though
x
sorry if that was too harsh..im not the best a critiques..
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