Published July 7, 2009
If you knew you were the victim of my poetry,
Would you really start to look at me?
See past the past, through the threats,
Would you let us both forget?
If you knew how i lie night after night,
Obsessed with every detail of your smile,
Would this pull at your heart,
Or simply push us further apart?
if you knew of the lies I tell,
Denial of how I long for you,
Would you still talk as old friends dare
Or run, petrified that I still care?
If you could see my words free now,
Spilled carelessly across this page,
Would you define them in dark dark ink,
Or rub them out, for i dare to think?
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Canary word: Present
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hey!!!!
Great poem! I loved it from the very first line.
I found nothing wrong with it; your grammar was good, except for a few "I"s here and there.
Like Sabine, this felt a little..... off to me. I'm not very sure why. For me, it just broke the poem for some reason.
Otherwise, I loved your poem. It's meaning was very simple, yet you described it in such a way that can only be described as brilliant. Truly, this poem is almost perfect in every way.
I know that that review wasn't very helpful, but that's all I can really say.
Great job and keep up the good work!!!!
zOe
Well written!
Nice pattern there, the rhyming is good, but on line 5 the i should be capitalized.
Please capitalize If on the first line on this part.
Two thumbs up! Very nice poem you have here!
Write on!
This is really lovely. You've got a good rhythm and rhymes that seem effortless enough that I didn't entirely notice them until the second time through.
I really like the idea of being a 'victim of poetry.' nice image.
I find no real critique, except there's something about the line 'Obsessed with every detail of your smile' that rings a little off to me. Can't quite tell you why, exactly. I suppose my instinctual response is that a smile is a rather simple thing without a hundred details -- but I suppose that's not really true. I don't know, I just recommend examining that line a little.
But still, a good poem, introspective without being heavy handed.
Thanks for the support, i wrote that at about 11 o clock last night half asleep so its good to know it works
xx
okay so i really liked this poem
even though there was no consistent rythm, i felt like you did just fine without it. in fact i think i like it better that way, because then it isn't too stiff or clear-cut or whatever. your rhyme scheme was great, grammar was good, only problem i saw was that some of your "i"s were capitalized and some weren't. i don't care which way it is, only i think you should make it consistent.
i have nothing else to critique, because i thought this poem was pretty much perfect the way it is. and i also loved it BECAUSE it was a common thing that you were talking about. i know just what you're talking about, only i could never write it down in lovely words like you have most successfully done here. i like that the poem is a series of questions. usually i don't like too many questions in poems but it just worked perfectly in this one, because there's too many unknowns and i don't know it just WORKS.
so yea overall lovely lovely poem, thanks for the good read