Published March 5, 2008
How can I breathe
With such strong emotions
Smothering me?
My mothers love
Holds me tight,
Wont let me go,
Though allows me flight.
I breathe easy
Though I’m held so close,
Held so tight.
It should squeeze me lifeless,
Though I breathe in,
And sigh deeply.
My best friend’s support
Holds me high,
I feel so tall,
Am part of the sky.
She winks at me,
And I laugh
With a lung full of air,
That shouldn’t be there.
How can I breathe
At this altitude?
My teacher’s patience
Simplifies the answers
Solves my problems
And trains my mind.
This lack of pressure
Shouldn’t be able
To hold my lungs together.
I inhale
Slow and deliberate
With easy air.
How can I breathe
With my family
And friends
Smothering me
With everything
I need to live?
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I had a few problems with your poem:
This doesn't make sense at all. If your mother won't let go then how does she allow you to flight? And flight isn't the propre word anyways, it should be somethink like:
My mothers love
Holds me tight,
Wont let me go,
But allows my sight\
If you're doing a rhyming poem, then you should the whole poem the same, not just have every other stanza rhyme and trhe rest can do whatever they want. If you're doing a rhyming poem then stick to your idea.
[quote]Am part of the sky.
Should "I" before "Am".
I think that I should stop here so you can edit it. It needs a lot of work. If you need any help, you can just PM me and I'll be at your assistance, okay?
shanan-cat!
I'm not one to critique on grammar nor spelling. Sometimes it's used intentionally for a specific effect. This poem is very...interesting. I'm somewhat confused, but i think just a little more will clear it succesfully. Is it like you're being prepared for the world but in doing so you can't think or breathe? It's like the meaning is right there, but i can't grasp it fully. =/
My mothers love alright add a period here.
Holds me tight,
Wont let me go,
Though allows me flight.
I breathe easy add a period here also.
Though I’m held so close,
Held so tight.
It should squeeze me lifeless,
Though I breathe in,
And sigh deeply.
If you don't put a comma place a period don't just put nothing. The poem itself was ok but not the greatest because it didn't make a lot of sense.
Sorry to be rough but that is how it is round here.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me at any time ok.
SimonCowellLuver
All in all, it's a good poem. A few problem’s with use of words, for ex.
keep it up.
"How can I breathe
With such strong emotions
Smothering me?"
You should change emotions.
I can see that you have talent.
Welcome. And congrats on your bravery for posting a poem to let us rip it apart.
I'm more of the prose critiquer, but I like to make a few comments on poems on occasion. SO to add to my piggy's comments, if youw ere to revise this or write another similar one, think about exactly what these people in the narrator's life do to make him/her feel this way. Also, include some visuals to give us a picture of what is going on.
I hope you shall be happy here. I do see some talent sprouting in you, so let's hope this is just the place for it to grow.
But be warned, once you are allowed to enter the chatroom, I have a poking stick and I am not afraid to use it mwahahaha!
Hello and welcome to YWS! I’ve just written some notes on your poem, so maybe that will help?
How can I breathe
With such strong emotions <--- "Emotions" is the wrong word.
Smothering me?
My mothers love <--- Should be “mother’s.”
Holds me tight, <--- Cliched.
Wont let me go, <--- Should be “won’t.”
Though allows me flight. <--- This line doesn’t make sense.
I breathe easy
Though I’m held so close,
Held so tight. <--- Repetitious, delete.
It should squeeze me lifeless,
Though I breathe in,
And sigh deeply. <--- Why does this happen? Explain this contradiction!
My best friend’s support
Holds me high,
I feel so tall,
Am part of the sky.
She winks at me,
And I laugh
With a lung full of air,
That shouldn’t be there.
How can I breathe
At this altitude? <--- This makes it sound like she is bitter about breathing at this altitude,
My teacher’s patience
Simplifies the answers
Solves my problems
And trains my mind. <--- This whole stanza seems very to be very much like fluff. Why do you need to vaguely touch three different subjects (mother, friend, teacher) without going into them deeper? This poem seems a little shallow because of the lack of depth you’re going into these subjects.
This lack of pressure
Shouldn’t be able
To hold my lungs together.
I inhale
Slow and deliberate
With easy air. <--- I still can’t help it… this sounds like she is not happy breathing. I think you may mean otherwise?
How can I breathe
With my family
And friends
Smothering me
With everything
I need to live? <--- So she dies? Confusing!
So this sounds very confusing because it seems to contradict itself. If the narrator is being smoldered by all this good stuff, then why is she happy because of this? Or at least, why isn’t she resisting? Because it sounds, from your word choice, that she should be unhappy with her situation. Why?
Hope that helps!
How can I breathe
With such strong emotions
Smothering me?
My mothers love
Holds me tight,
Wont let me go,
Though allows me flight.
I breathe easy
Though I’m held so close,
Held so tight.
It should squeeze me lifeless,
Though I breathe in,
And sigh deeply.
My best friend’s support
Holds me high,
I feel so tall,
Am part of the sky. - Add "I" before "Am?"
She winks at me,
And I laugh
With a lung full of air, - "With Lungs full of air"
That shouldn’t be there.
How can I breathe
At this altitude?
My teacher’s patience
Simplifies the answers
Solves my problems
And trains my mind.
This lack of pressure
Shouldn’t be able
To hold my lungs together.
I inhale
Slow and deliberate
With easy air.
How can I breathe
With my family
And friends
Smothering me
With everything
I need to live?
Okay, I do not know where you're going with this. I mean, I like the poem don't get me wrong, it's just I don't understand some of it. I do love your use of repetition though, very subtle. All in all this poem was okay, but it could be better if you revised it. From the looks of this poem you're really talented, so keep writing!