Published September 13, 2008
Your back is to me,
And I'm imagining happiness on your face.
You don't notice I'm there,
Forever thinking of you.
Can you hear me when I say
I love you?
We walk along the same beaten path,
And I think about your fascinating smile.
I don't know what you think,
When you look or smile at me.
I don't understand what you truly say,
When you speak to me
In my own language.
Would I hear you if your eyes,
Made of midnight stars, spoke the words
I love you?
You strong, broad back stands out
To me,
Among all the anonymous faces
That surround us two.
You back is tall and sturdy,
Unconsciously burdened by my love
For you.
Will you face the other way,
Face someone else,
When I confess and cry out
I love you?
Your feet stop moving,
And I, too, stop walking.
You turn around
And look into my soul, with your eyes
Made of midnight stars,
And smile fascinatingly at me.
Together we beg
"Please love me."
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141,478 Literary Works • 674,502 Reviews
I don't know if the repetition there was for effect, but I don't think it works. I don't even know if you need this first stanza. You introduce a couple of ideas that you expand on, which is good, but I'm not sure if it's necessary.
I really liked this section! 'Midnight stars' is a little bit cheesy, but it's a romantic poem so I think you can get away with it!
There isn't any reason why 'To me' should be on its own line, so you could try experimenting with line breaks here.
I like the 'unconsciously burdened' line, but I don't think you need more description of the guy's back in the line before. It could be cut out.
I like how you tie your ideas together here.
I'm undecided on the ending; I thought it might end with a little more mystery.
I like the simple way in which the poem was written, and how you conveyed the speaker's questions over what the other person thinks, means and feels. It's just some of the wording that needs a little tidying up.
this is going to be line by line.
---
I face your back, [change this.it could be something like, i stare at your back, i gaze at your back or something]
Imagining happiness on your face.
You don't notice I'm there,
Forever thinking of you.
Can you hear me when I say [comma]
I love you?
We walk along the same beaten path,
And I think about your fascinating smile.
I don't know what you think [change this into something like: i don't know what you're thinking]
When you look or smile at me.
I don't understand what you truly say
When you speak to me
In my own language.
Would I hear you if your eyes,
Made of midnight stars, spoke the words
I love you?
You strong, broad back stands out
To me,
Among all the anonymous faces
That surround us two.
You back is tall and sturdy,
Unconsciously burdened by my love
For you.
Will you face the other way,
Face someone else,
When I confess and cry out
I love you?
Your feet stop moving,
And I, too, stop walking.
You turn around [comma]
And look into my soul, with your eyes
Made of midnight stars,
And smile fascinatingly at me.
Together we beg
"Please love me."
I really liked your poem. It was good and it showed how that person needed the other. And I liked the way you ended every verse with 'I love you' It was good thing to do.
I face your back, (This could be 'I gaze at your back')
Imagining happiness on your face.
You don't notice I'm there,
Forever thinking of you.
Can you hear me when I say (A comma should be here)
I love you?
We walk along the same beaten path,
And I think about your fascinating smile.
I don't know what you think (This should be "I don't know what you will think)
When you look or smile at me.
I don't understand what you truly say (And this should be "I don't understand what you'll truly say")
When you speak to me (A comma should be here)
In my own language.
Would I hear you if your eyes,
Made of midnight stars, spoke the words
I love you?
You strong, broad back stands out
To me, (This should be 'at me')
Among all the anonymous faces (A comma should be here)
That surround us two. (This should be 'That surrounds the two of us')
You back is tall and sturdy, (This should be 'your back')
Unconsciously burdened by my love (A comma should be here)
For you.
Will you face the other way,
Face someone else,
When I confess and cry out
I love you?
Your feet stop moving, (This should be 'Your feet stops moving')
And I, too, stop walking.
You turn around (A comma should be here)
And look into my soul, with your eyes
Made of midnight stars,
And smile fascinatingly at me.
Together we beg
"Please love me."
Well, as I said, it was great. Fix your mistakes and it would be perfect.
Good luck.
I liked this, and even though I pretty much suck at writting poetry!(WHY!!!!!!) I know a good poem from a horrible one. This one was a good poem. It flows and I get it. Maybe you could change a few lines.
Instead of face, maybe you could use "I stand away from you, staring at your back," or something like that. i just don't like the word face in that part.
Maybe you can use somehting like "Can my voice reach you when I call out" Only if you want to.
Instead of having both "look and smile" how about just one? "When you look at me","When you smile at me" It just doesn't feel write when they are together.
Its "Your" not "You".
once again "Your" not "You"
Maybe you can use turn, instead of face.
Maybe you can use "gaze" instead of "look"
Of course besides a few things, everything else I have here is optional. If you wanna change them then go ahead.
I really liked this, I hope you will have a lot more awsome written work like this. ^_^ nice job.