Heya, Dreamwalker!
I was just reading your blog about writing prose, so I was very intrigued when I stumbled across this. I'm not sure if this is the same thing mentioned in that blog, but hey ho, I thought I'd review it anyways. Also, I did have a look for a chapter before this one because this is chapter 1.5, but I couldn't find anything... so I'm assuming this is the first chapter. It seems like it anyway!
I sometimes like to think that she knew who I was, long before I ever met her.
I'm a huge opening line fanatic because I think they're so important to a story, and I must say that I'm impressed with yours. It's intriguing and I like the mystery you create by not specifying who 'she' is, so well done on that.
I’d reach for a hand, instead of the coffee cup that spanned the the faded green and peeling table...
You need to cut out a 'the' here!
... or a cheek instead of the muffin I purchased with no real want to eat.
This is incredibly picky, but the use of the word 'want' here read a little strange to me. Something like 'desire' sounds more appropriate, although it's entirely up to you in the end because what you have already isn't technically wrong or anything.
And maybe thats why I’d been coming to that cafe.
You're missing an apostrophe here, sometimes unnecessary commas.
“This ones for the girl in the back,”
Missing another apostrophe.
Overall
Aw, so I loved this and I thought it was so sweet. I adore your writing style because it's the kind of style I don't read often, but I really should because I find it very fascinating. I love some of your descriptions and how you manage to make every single thing sound so beautiful. I'm very intrigued by your narrator too because she has a unique voice, and I really like the concept of a lesbian relationship within a novel because it's the kind of thing I don't see often enough in literature, or within the media in general really.
In terms of critiques, it's kind of hard because not an awful lot has happened yet and, well, you're a great writer, so it's hard to nit-pick what's already good. I suppose I have to agree a little with what JOV said about your description on the girl your narrator's admiring. While I love the description itself because it's awfully pretty, I feel that it ends up getting a little long-winded after a while. I think the problem is that the description is laid down to us all at once, and it spans a whole three paragraphs. They're pretty chunky paragraphs too. If the description was more spread out and/or cut down a bit here and there, I don't think there'd be a problem at all.
As you're so good at descriptions though, you've kind of brought the next critique on yourself. Basically, you've got an array of lovely visual descriptions with a few based on sound thrown in where the girl is singing, but I'd like to see some of the other senses being thrown in more often. Take taste, for example. How does the muffin your narrator always buy taste? It's not visually described in a way that makes it sound appealing, and if you throw in a description of how it tastes (badly, I'm sure), it could give us readers a wonderfully vivid idea of what the muffin is like. Smell is a great sense for a coffee shop too because coffee shops often have a particular smell, so I'd love to hear about that.
Do you kind of understand what I'm saying there? Don't get me wrong because I don't want you to shove as many descriptions down about as many different sense as you can, but I think you could vary them every now and then. It's not that you only rely on sight, not at all. It's just that I think that if you play around some more, you could make your descriptions even greater than they already are. Kapeesh?
The only other thing I want to bring up is punctuation. I'm not sure if it's just because this is a first draft and I know how messy first drafts can be, but you sometimes missed out a few apostrophes and what not. Other than that, there aren't any major grammatical problems, although I did sometimes feel you could've handled your commas a little better. It's not a huge issue at all, and I'm far from an expert on commas, but it sometimes seemed like you used them unnecessarily in some places when they weren't really that vital or anything. I won't go into that much though because I might be 100% wrong as I can't say I know exactly how commas work... xD
Nit-picks aside, I honestly did really enjoy this. It seems like the perfect thing to read with a hot chocolate in Starbucks one winter evening, which is rather ironic! I really hope I get to read more soon, and please do let me know if/when you do post more.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
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