My Hiro
Prologue:
He was running out of time.
I was uncontrollable, inconsolable. I was the mess I feared becoming again and yet thats exactly what became of me. There was nothing I could do. Nothing that would make any difference.
But I would stay with him. I would be here till the end if thats what he needed of me. I would be here every waking moment for the rest of my life if it could make his own just a little longer. I couldn't lose him.
And the only thing I could do was wait, his hand in mine.
"I love you," I whispered, the sound strange even to my own ears.
He smiled up at me and nodded. "I know."
Chapter 1: Overboard
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I knew this sound. It reverberated through my head as if on repeat. Beep. Beep. Beep. How horribly frustrating.
Slowly, I blinked my eyes open; one than the other as they had felt rather glued shut. I'm sure I should have taken that as a warning that something wasn't right. Yet, even now, I knew that there was nothing I could say nor do that would change the position I was in.
I deadpanned at the ceiling. White, and smooth. A ceiling unlike the one that covered the roof of my bedroom. I wasn't really surprised. No, not now, even when reality was so far from my thought process. If I just turned my eyes towards the rest of my surroundings, everything would naturally dawn back on me as if life itself couldn't be kept out for long. This, though, was comforting. Just keep staring and forget about everything else.
I heard the door open. A heavy door; metalic sounding like a steel of some sort. Not the normal sound that a wooden door would give. Just keep staring up and dont turn your eyes. Reality would come later.
"Her eyes are open, doctor," a distinctly feminine voice spoke, her words enunciated in a brief, almost direct statement. How unfeeling. "Shall I check her vitals?"
"No, I will," the second voice spoke. Male, this time, but foreign. Pakistani maybe? I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
I closed my eyes, hoping desperately that they would leave me alone. Reality was hitting me like a bullet train. Things started appearing beind my eyes that I really didn't want to see. Just... just go away!
"Jane?" The male spoke. A doctor, as the nurse had previously put forth. "Are you awake?"
I grimaced, shaking my head back and forth. "No. Just go away."
"Jane," he sounded somber and tired. The voice of someone extremely overworked. "Jane, I need you to open your eyes for me."
"No," I mumbled, nose scrunched and teeth clenched. "No, I don't want to."
"Miss Rielly-"
"Diane, please," The doctor cut her off before she could speak any further. "She appears to be in a relatively good shape."
"But doctor-"
"Enough," he said. "Now if you don't mind I believe there is an IV in need of changing."
I opened my eyes slowly, only wishing to see the expression she showed. How funny that would be.
Of course, I regretted this immediately. The sight of the room horrified me; made me sick. I wanted to run. I wanted to escape this horrible place but I knew there was nowhere to go. I was alone now, after all. Even if this was only a simple hospital room, it was still the most terrifying place in the world, to me.
And the beeping only got faster.
"Jane, please," the doctor murmured, making no move to beckon the nurse back. "You need to calm down."
I shook my head, the tears splattering against the front of my hospital gown in a repetitive motion. "No, no where's mama? Where's mama?"
His face turned pale and ashy. I struck a chord. The answer was so clear in the way he turned his eyes away from mine, or the furrow in his brow the moment I spoke her name. There were no words to console the horror that took me.
"She can't be dead..."
"Jane, we talked about this before and I-"
"No!" I hissed, shaking my head back and forth. "No, you're wrong!"
"Jane I-"
"Stop it!" I covered my ears with my hands, lips quivering and palms sweaty. My left arm was bandaged completely and it stung to move. It felt like burning. "You're lying to me! Stop it!"
"Diane!" He called out. "Diane, sedatives!"
"No! Don't you dare-"
"You need to calm down," he said, his hand pressing against my shoulder. I hadn't realized I was trembling so badly. "This is bad for your health."
"But mama," I mumbled, sobs escaping my lips in a wretched manner. She was gone. She was dead. I was alone. "No... no, no, no!"
"I will put you to sleep if you don't calm down," the doctor said. His voice was strong; booming with authority.
After these words, the nurse arrived, a bag of yellow liquid in her hand and a look of utter shock visible across her small, puckered mouth. A pretty woman, if anything. Too skinny, though, if you asked me. "Doctor?"
"Just give me a second," he said, turning his attention towards me once more. "Now listen to me. You need to calm down."
I nodded, but the pain in my chest was bellowing out into a poisonous blossom, killing anything and everything in its path.
"I need Tobi," I mumbled, wrapping my arms around my chest. It hurt too, as if bruised. I was afraid to check under the gown. "Wheres Tobi?"
"He's outside," the nurse said. "In the waiting room."
My hopes suddenly brightened as I turned my eyes towards the doctor, mouth agape in this sudden realization. "May I see Tobi?"
He looked at me for a few more seconds, the idea obviously not one that pleased him, but he merely nodded and turned to walk away. "I'll be back to check her vitals in a half hour. Make sure she doesn't get into trouble."
The nurse nodded as he left, bony hands fiddling with the yellow sack before she placed it at the end of a small metal stand that contained many other medical items of whose names I couldn't recall. I had the urge to reach out and touch whatever was there, but refrained. I wasn't suicidal. No, I was still alive. There was something left to live for.
When the nurse turned her eyes towards me, I felt extremely nervous, as if she were trying to discern my meaning in wanting Tobi here. Was it wrong of me to want my brother near me in such a time? "Would you like your father as well?"
It was more of a statement than a question as if she expected me to want my father near. I didn't, though. No, I just wanted Tobi. "I'm fine with just Tobi, thanks."
She nodded but didn't seem pleased with the statement I spoke. After she left, I was completely and utterly alone for the first time since I had woken up. Yes, lonlieness was comforting. In lonlieness, I knew where I belonged. What I had done. Everything that I hated within myself was clearly visible for me to see here.
Desperation. That was all that was left now and I was sinking in it.
The nurse had returned only moments later, accompanied by a small four year old boy; frail for his age. He looked up at me with wide blue eyes and a toothless grin. The look of one who couldn't understand. Who had no idea. "Jannie?"
"Oh, Tobi," I murmured, reaching my arms out for him. The hospital bed was higher than I would have wanted it to be, and I was far from strong enough to lift him up. That being said, the only use so far that the nurse had been was of lifting up the small child and placing him on my lap.
Of course, this was the first time I realized that I had a cast completely covering my left leg. I couldn't feel it either. Just numbness. I wasn't sure if it was from anaesthetics or my mind that caused such a sensation.
"Daddy wants to see you," he said, his small fingers reaching up to grasp something on my head. A bandage was what they met, that wrapped around the entirety of my skull. How had I not noticed any of this before? "He looks sad, Jannie."
My stomach twisted into an uncontrollable knot. "I don't think so."
He cocked his small cherub face to the side, round eyes staring up at me with confusion. There was so much feeling there, and yet there was nothing of the pain I felt. How could he know this feeling? No, that was his damn fathers fault. All his fault...
"Jannie," he whined. "I want you to get better. Daddy won't let me play with Wesley alone and he doesn't have time for us. Wesley misses you too."
His words stung, whether he mean't them to or not. "I'll be home soon. I promise."
"Daddy wants you to live with us," he mused, that big toothy grin only becoming wider. Again, his words were like a punch in the chest. "He said that me and you and Wesley would be the bestest of friends!"
Fat chance, I thought somberly. There was no way in hell he could ever make me live in that house. No, I wanted the city. I wanted the bustling, high paced way of life. The convienence of anything and everything that pretained to a life of being anywhere and everywhere I wanted to be. I wanted moms apartment. I wanted... I wanted mom.
The sinking feeling in my chest returned.
"Miss Rielly," the nurse cut in, her eyes turning towards me worriedly. "You're pale. Would you like me to call the doctor?"
"No, no," I murmured, flicking my own away from hers. How maternal of her. It sickened me. "I'm fine. Just a bit of rough news is all."
Her brows furrowed but she composed herself quite daintily. "Well, if you do need anything, feel free to ask. I'm here to help."
I nodded, pushing the blond curls back off of Tobi's forehead. Curls I would have died to have. He looked so much like his mother, from what I could tell from photographs. My mom looked nothing like him.
"I missed you, Jannie," Tobi mumbled, his face filling with the sadness only a child could portray. "You don't come round anymore."
His words broke my heart. "I've been busy, buddy. I'm sorry."
"Its okay," he said. "Because now we'll get to spend everyday together!"
Eternal optimism of a child too, if you asked me. Even then, I still felt disturbed. Father, if I could really even call him such a thing, was never around. Why the hell would I want anything to do with him even now? Tobi... Tobi, though, would be a reason to stay. My baby brother. My half brother. I kissed his forehead, to his great dismay before turning my eyes towards the nurse who had her head bowed and her hands clasped in front of herself. She looked up to meet my eyes expectantly. "Would you like anything, Miss Rielly?"
"Take Tobi to my father," I said. My voice was empty. A shell of what it once was. "I need some rest."
When the nurse reached down to take Tobi, his eyes widened and his small child's mouth turned down in such an animated way that I almost decided to keep him here a little while longer. I needed to think, though. I needed... I needed time.
"I can come back, right?" Tobi asked, tears pricking his eyes. "Please? I'll be really really good, I swear!"
"Yes, Tobi, I promise," I said, smiling weakly. "But I'm tired and I need some sleep. I'm sure Daddy's wondering whats taking so long."
He nodded, brightening up a bit at this statement, but not enough to deter him from his previous thoughts. "Pinky swear?"
I reached my hand down so that his little cherub one could stretch its little finger up and clasp hold of my own. How I missed him; my little Tobi. He was always so good to his mother.
"Jannie," he said, his face turning into something different... A face so serious and so void of emotion that it couldn't have been Tobi... no not again. "Jannie, wake up."
* * *
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi! This was good; there were definitely parts that I liked. I thought the doctors were pretty interesting, like the way they interacted with each other and how the male doctor seemed to be a little on the tough side. I could see them being amazing characters.
Your main character I was a bit confused with. At first, I thought she was a teenager/young adult, but as soon as she started crying out ‘Mama’ I immediately began thinking she was a small child instead. Then she started asking for Tobi. When she says he was her brother, my mind pictured him as an older brother. Then it turns out he’s younger. And then it’s finally confirmed that Jane is older, more like a woman. So I was kind of being thrown for a loop and never really got to focus or appreciate the story as well as I should have. I was constantly guessing, when many of these things should’ve been made clear.
Tobi’s character was a little strange to me, too. He just didn’t seem like a kid. It seemed like everything he said was the stereotypical ‘we can be bestest friends, right?’ ‘pinky swear?’ ‘I’ll be good!’ and he just felt really flat in that way. Just because he’s a kid doesn’t mean he can’t have personality. Think of a kindergarten classroom. There are a ton of kids who are each insanely unique and have their own weird habits and quirks. Think of yourself at that age, what were you like? I remember myself being slightly obsessed with puzzles and coloring. I would pretend I was all kinds of animals, from ants to puppies. I remember a boy that would do nothing but eat glue and screech out dinosaur-like sounds. There was a girl that was obsessed with purple. Enough rambling, you get what I mean.
The plot could use a little more excitement, too. At this point, it’s the classic ‘wake up in a hospital’ scenario. We find out that her mother died. She has a little brother that she loves dearly, and a father who she hates with a passion. We don’t know why she’s in the hospital, but she seems more concerned about how she’s going to avoid her dad rather than getting healthy. If the main conflict of this story is the touchy relationship between father and daughter, that won’t be enough.
Well, I hope this was of some help! Let me know if you have any questions/comments.
~blacksheep
I haven't read it yet. I'm gonna do a first impression sort of thing, then give my general opinion at the end.
I was thoroughly impressed, despite my many nitpicks. The reason I went all out is because this whole segment contained seemingly endless flowery language. Every chance you had, you used way too many words. But I enjoyed it.
The plot is amazing, and your style is superb. I'll definitely read Part Two, because that twist at the end was insane!
Hello Dreamwalker!
Omitting words
So I really liked parts of this piece. Particularly, Janie's reaction to the news of her mother's death. Very believable, very human. Denial is the first stage of grief as they say. Leaving us with unanswered questions at the end of your piece was also a nice touch, keeps us reading.
I do have a couple suggestions for you. The first has to do with sentence structure. You tend use unnecessary extra words. It makes your prose a little clunky, and at times, tough to read. If you just omit these extra words, it will do wonders for your piece. I will put a few examples in the spoiler. Mostly, they are examples where you repeated something that was already made clear. As you continue you writing, try and be as concise as possible. As they say, try not to say in ten words what you could just as easily say in two. Each word should serve a purpose.
The other thing I would like to talk about is clarity. There were a few spots in this piece where I was just confused. Again, I think if you tighten up your prose, the problem will be mostly solved. I'll point out the places in the spoiler.
In terms of your characters, they are a little flat. They could be anyone. We don't really know what sets them apart as individuals. This is particularly true with Jane. How does she view the world differently than everyone else? What's her point of view? Characterization is definitely a tough thing. And of course, I realize that this is a novel, and if you continue you this, you will have plenty of time to develop your characters. However, the reader should be getting some hints about who your characters are as people.
Just a small note, but your descriptions of Tobi bothered me a little. They seemed repetitive. You mention childhood innocence and his face multiple times, and it just got a bit redundant.
Spoiler
The striked words are redundant because it should be clear that this doctor is the same doctor the nurse was talking to earlier
That last sentence is really stilted, I would rework it a bit.
Confusion
I am rather confused by this. I don't really know what you are trying to say. Also the repetition of the verb becoming was a little odd.
This whole section really confused me. I had to read it through three or four times to understood what you meant. I get it now, that Jane wanted to keep the reality of her situation from hitting home, but that isn't really clearly communicated.
This part confused me as well. Why does Jane know where she belongs in loneliness? What had she done? Why is what she hates in herself more visible? Some hint as to these answers would be good. Right now, I am not really sure what you are trying to accomplish with this paragraph. Also, you mention being alone multiple times in this story. First, your MC says she is alone with no where to go when she wakes up, but then she says that she was utterly alone when she finds out her mother died. If Jane thought her mother was alive when first woke up, why then would she think she was alone the first time, if she had her mother? Hope that makes sense.
I think you need to make clear what parent Jane and Tobi have in common. These sentences could be really confusing if the reader thought, as I did, that Tobi and Jane had the same mother. If you just say "our father" somewhere in the piece you should be good.
That said, I really like the content of your story so far. Not exactly sure where you will go with this, but I am definitly interested to find out. The twist at the end was quite a suprise. With a little polish, this good be really good. Sorry if I ripped it apart. Don't let that discourage you too much. I feel like you could have something awesome here. Anyway, hope it helped, and if you have any comments or questions feel free to to PM me.
Thanks for the read,
Audrey
Amazing absolutely AMAZING!!!! I truly loved it and so can't wait for more to read!!! I really hope to read more when I have the time. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!
Soulkana<3
Hi there!
Woah, this was good! I felt like I was reading an actual novel, save for a few things, but we'll get there. The only thing I don't like this is that I'm really confused, and all you do is keep adding more confusion without clearing any of the previous mystery up. In your first chapter you don't want there to be that much of a mystery because you'll have your readers thinking 'did I miss something?' and you definitely don't want that, because then they'll get frustrated and stop reading. So my initial word of advice is to resolve one of the mysteries, or at least a part of it, by the end of this chapter when you go back and edit. ^^
Quotes 'N' Comments.
Your use of 'nor' here isn't correct, and this sentence is awkward. To me, nor is a bit of an old saying, generally being replaced with or in every day language. Especially if it's a first person narrative, you'd probably only use 'nor' in a situation like this: "She was neither happy nor sad." It's just not something people say in modern times. So, you can keep it the way it is, I'm just pointing it out, but if you'd like it to sound less awkward just replace it with or.
I read the first part of your story and I was like "Woo, someone who knows grammar within dialogue!" And then I saw this and I was sad. So, you only use the comma and then end quotation, only to describe something if you're describing how the person is talking directly. You can say this, for sure, however you would have to say "Jane," he said, sounding somber and quiet. Just putting a period in the place of the comma would make it alright!
The entire point up to here I had pictured Jannie as a teenager, on the verge of adult, but here you have her seem as if she's a child. Then you later state that she can pick up her little brother, so obviously she isn't that small. Mama might sound like a more interesting way to say mom, but I think you're trying to push it too far. I don't know any teenager call their mother mama. Mama is usually something a kid says when he can't say mother or mom quite yet. I don't know, just my opinion.
And here you have the little brother act as an adult. Children don't usually formally address who they're talking to like this. If they do, they usually say the name first to get the person they're talking to's attention. It would usually sound like this: "Jannie.... I missed you." Be sure to have your characters act and talk like they're age and personality.
Speaking of that... Characters
Your characters don't stand out all that much. They're all sort of average, and this sounds like the pretty average story. In incidences like this, when the beginning of your story isn't all that original, you should try to add something to spark it up, hence why characters come in. xD What you can do is add a character that has extra spice, a little bit more flavoring. Have an old man in the room with her screaming about his wife's murder every few minutes, or something like that. Something crazy that will keep our attention and have us looking for stuff. Don't you ever read a book and scan through the next few pages for when a character is going to pop up again, just because you loved them so much? Well you need to do that here.
Plot
There really isn't that much plot. Girl wakes up in hospital, we don't know why, but she goes ballistic about her mother dying. Then her little bro comes in while daddy-who-was-never-around waits outside, too ashamed to see his daughter whom he never spoke to before in that physical state. Do you see what I'm geting at? It's plain, ordinary, and I know you can do better. Give us something more. I expect you to step it up in the next few chapters. I'll be waiting.
Keep writing,
Classy
Here to review!
Overall... really good! I think I'll be following this story