Life

This pictures was taken on my cell phone, so it isnt as good as it would be if I had taken it on a real camera, but in my opinion it turned out quite well.

Some girls are dolls;
Dressed up, in frilly clothes.
Yellow curls- dripping, dancing-
around delicate, fragile porcelian.

Faces, painted on, Fixed forever.
Long, lovely lashes,
never blink- Lips perfectly parted,
Round cheeks, rosey-pink.
No thoughts to think-
No need to drink.

Nothing to lose. Mindlessly amused.
Loved; but never loving.
Souless. Full of nothing-
fluffy stuffing. Laid aside;
Beautiful, Glassy Blue-eyes,
Blindly transfixed toward the sky.

Sorrow.jpg

Comments

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Reviews: 3

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Sun Sep 20, 2009 4:47 pm

BethGoth05 says...

All I can say is wow. This is brilliant. I loved it. It really gave me a chill too. I'll be moving my dolls out of my room tonight lol!

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Reviews: 46

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Sun Sep 20, 2009 4:36 pm

Rena0421 says...

Wow, I like. The picture was nice, too. And also, your avatar reminded me of the poem as well. Keep up the good work.

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Sun Sep 20, 2009 3:07 am

Audy wrote a review...

I liked this poem, it had a nice rhythm to it though it was a bit off in some places.

The 'No need to drink' line seemed forced, it really had nothing to do with the rest of the piece and it distracts the reader. I would just take that whole line out.

I really liked

Full of nothing-
fluffy stuffing

lovely sound to it.

Overall you did a great job with the comparisons, and with the imagery you used there was no need to attach a picture xD But it was neat! I liked it.

~ audy

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Reviews: 21

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Sat Sep 19, 2009 10:31 pm

Macs wrote a review...

Alright, so this is a nice poem, however some of the punctuation, et cetera, is a bit... wrong. Here, I'll help you. Great idea, perfect comparison between some plastic girls and porcelain dolls... sh'yeah. My writing'll be bold.

Some girls are dolls;
Dressed up,No need for comma in frilly clothes.
Yellow curls- dripping, dancing-
around delicate, fragile porcelian.Porcelain. Just a little typo.

Faces,No need for comma painted on, Fixed forever.
Long, lovely lashes,No need for comma
never blink- Lips perfectly parted,
Round cheeks, rosey-pink.Rosy, another little typo. And about rhyming: Don't randomly rhyme. Since you rhymed here, there should be a rhyme in the first stanza as well. If you do it randomly it seems less mature.
No thoughts to think-
No need to drink."No need to drink" has no need to be there. It just doesn't work with the whole poem. Living girls do need to drink, even if they're plastic.

Nothing to lose. Mindlessly amused.
Loved; but never loving.
Souless. Full of nothing- Soulless, another typo.
fluffy stuffing.Porcelain dolls aren't stuffed, and again the rhyme scheme is off Laid aside;"Laid aside"? I don't understand how this is supposed to compare plastic girls and porcelain dolls. Try again.
Beautiful, Glassy Blue-eyes, Glassy-blue eyes. Just move the dash.
Blindly transfixed toward the sky.

Also, the title needs a bit of work.
However, the idea is perfect, your sentences and wording is strong but a few minor areas, and it is a very nice little poem.
Hope that helped.

-Macs

Points: 1151
Reviews: 9

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Sat Sep 19, 2009 8:43 pm

arya wrote a review...

wow.
i like this.
i like the parallel you put in there from the doll to the girls like dolls. I see people like that all around me, and that's why I liked your poem so much.
I love short, deep sentences by the way, so yeah.
The only thing is, I'm not so sure about the title.
But all in all:
Keep up your good work.