It was September 18 2016
“Ring.”
“Hey Chris where are you headed to now, I heard you got a schedule change?”
“Math class, Char”
“Okay, cool I have math too. What teacher do you have?”
“Mrs. Hamilton”
“Awesome me too”
The bell rings again as we head into class
Chapter 1
“So girls want to hear a story?“
“No!!” Matt cried.
“sure Mrs. Hamilton” we all said
“well when me and Roderick were young 20 years ago we were in the police force I was on the Bomb team in the airport and my boyfriend Roderick at the time was on the drug team we were on a Airplane and we discover both bomb’s and drugs with our dogs we went into action and got the criminals of the plane they were girls there names were Emily and Natalie Condraus they were feisty little things they were only 11 then but smart and mischievous.(the boys looked up interested in this story now) They got sent to juvenile court and were tried as adults the sad thing is no one loved them enough to care for them at the time the Iraq Terrorist group was controlling them there are suspicions these girls are still being controlled today by their leader for that must be the only family they ever knew. No one knows for sure. But the truth is on that mission when me and Roderick were together that’s when we truly fell in love for we had been watching each others backs as we went in and when we came out. After a few years I grew tired of police work so I went to school again to be a teacher and I have had the best of both worlds.“
“what’s your husband do now Mrs. Hamilton?“ I asked her.
“Oh he is now the head of the police force he was promoted many times.” Mrs. Hamilton smiled. I nodded
Mrs. Hamilton gave us all 5 minutes to check our phones and texts at the end of class. During that time was when my life changed forever. I dropped my book bag on my foot. ”Yikes” I cried
“Chris what’s wrong” Char asked me seeing I looked pale.
I gawked at my phone re-reading the message
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this is not the greatest of first chapter to be perfectly honest. There is a lot wrong with at first glance, and perhaps the ending is the only part that seems to work well here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Uhhh....well this is kind of an odd start. There's no indication if this is meant to be the prologue to something or the first chapter and these first few lines honestly tell us next to nothing. We don't know who is speaking or where they are. There's a bit of a clue in the fact that they are talking about schedules and are therefore probably in school, but this is a bit of a left field start and it makes things a bit confusing and somewhat boring. Not a good start.
Okay so I see a continuation from the previous bit so that's kind of good, but then again, there's barely any indication of who is who and where, and you really can't write a first chapter like this as a serious of dialogue without even so much as dialogue tag. The fact that the title of "First chapter" randomly appears in the middle is also odd, cause the previous part can't really be its own thing for starters, but in general, it certainly isn't a prologue so there's the question of what exactly that is meant to be.
OKayy..so that just kind of got dumped on everyone. Its a fun story, but honestly it just sounds like a rushed summary of a plot rather than anything else. It just completely breaks the pacing that was already shaky at best and this first part is in all sorts of shambles at the moment.
Hmm, the ending is perhaps the only saving grace of this piece here. At long last we finally get to witness a dialogue tag, which is great, and also we have a nice little cliffhanger. The setup up to said cliffhanger could perhaps be a bit better but the ending does manage to do what a first chapter is supposed to do and make you interested to continue reading. So, good ending.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this chapter needs quite a bit of improvement before it can really reach its full potential. There are some interesting points and it sounds like it could be a fun story if its fixed up, but at the moment, its not really there.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry