She stared into the darkness, grinning with pleasure as the darkness brings her to a high. Sighing in delight as the overwhelming desire to kill grips her body, heart and soul. Feeling extraordinary , Myra walked with a dance in her step. Smiling to herself she stopped walking, turning around she spoke in a sweet innocent voice ???she dies tonight???. Cocking her head to one side she gave a child-like laugh. Turning to the freakishly handsome man, who had just emerged from the darkness ???As you wish, My Lady, Will you be performing the deed yourself???? his voice was like his face, seductive and enchanting. His bottle green eyes lit up as his mistress???s cherry stained lips spread into a wide smile, he knew she like to be called my lady. ???Yes Eric, I will be the one to end that hags life, she???s mine anyone who so much as lays a finger on her dies too, spread the word???. Myra smiled again and with a swish of her long golden locks was gone.
Eric sighed, he loved his mistress, more than he should, but to kill the girl wasn???t right, he knew little of her except that she displeased his mistress, of which Myra will not disclose. But what ever it was murder is not the answer. Eric frowned why had he started to get thoughts like that? He loved his mistress and that???s all there is to it. After all his kind murdered all the time, its how they survive. It may not be nice but it was efficient. So Eric left the dark filled room, thinking how they would fade away if they were not impregnated with the power of the darkness every now and then. Thinking of which, he hadn???t topped up in a while
???Children of the night, Welcome, tonight you join me in the killing of this pitiful being. And what a bloody kill it will be??? Myra???s welcome was greeted with cheers and woops with a few snarls. Myra sighed a smile tonight would be a good kill she could feel it in her heart, her non beating heart that is. ???Bring her forward Eric??? speaking in an eerie child-like manner Myra turned her back on the thirty or so vampires, and went to the alter. The only thing upon the flowing red cloth that cover the alter was a beautiful carved dagger with its handle platted to a knot. The blade glowing bright green, Myra lost in thinking about how the glowing green matches Eric???s eyes. ???my lady??? Eric???s divine voice broke her away from her dream like state. Straitening up she turned and smiled at the girl who stands in front of her, admirably with her head held high, considering that her life was about to cease to exist. Myra couldn???t help but notice how prettier she was to this being, her lifeless hair and painted eyes, her whole essence seemed dull.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
The story itself was wonderful, I believe. But the question marks...well, you could do without them. And I believe that it makes for a cleaner, more lucid read if there is spacing within the piece. But other than that, well done~
Okay, a couple of things I did notice, some were grammatically (which messed up the flow of my reading and concentration a few times. (1) I'm not sure what was happening with all of the question marks, for the first half I was distracted as to what they stood for, and for the second half, I was distracted with why they replaced both single and double quotes.
Another major thing was that this story was too confusing. There was no context and no explanation for anything it seemed. One thing to keep in mind in any story is this, context is key.
A slight grammatical problem was that you were a bit shy on commas in some places. The only thing this does is temporarily mess up the reader flow and concentration. This is something we all learn through academics but most of all, experience. Some people (as I believe myself to be) are too "comma happy" as we call it over here, and some people are too shy.
I hope this doesn't discourage you from writing and publishing more of your work on here, as this story, with a bit of context, explanation, and editing, has potential to be an excellent, unique story. I also want to make clear that I am not criticizing your work as a better writer (cause I'm not), but because every bit of honesty helps.
A few things I did like:
1) I really did enjoy how this was a somewhat experimental story. 2) Your vocabulary is excellent. 3) Your descriptions were excellent and vivid.
My advise if you want to continue this story:
Definitely make an outline. It's so easy, with experimental stories like this, to quickly get out of hand and lose their unique factors. I'd hate to see that happen with this story. Lastly, don't get discouraged. Use criticism to your advantage and encouragement a guide.
Please let me know if you think I should go on with this or just leave it