Young Writers Society

Hello, @Dreami! I'm continuing my "Review Old Works Project" and your poem is my next victim, muahaha! Just kidding. I as well as you love horses, and this poem involves horses so what's not to like about it. Actually I did find one little problem with it here:

Millions of years passed in a second,
but finally the bell rang.
Out of 14 boxes come blurs--
Blurs of speed and light.

No more can be said for a forgotten,
Beloved, but no longer to exist,
Many will forget that moment,
But one will never forget--
A horse who flies across turf,
who thanks that man,
for giving her wings.

Hm. This didn't do a whole lot for me. I understand what you're trying to get at, but I think there was too much tell and not enough show. (Yes, that applies to poetry, too.)*

Dreami wrote:Millions of years passed in a second,
but finally the bell rang.

I'll be honest, this poem wasn't amazing but it wasn't awful either. I could tell there was some meaning behind it. However, I'm not sure it flowed together as well as it should have. I loved for first line and the whole last stanza. However, I dislike the line "And finally she dies." I just feel that it was rushed. The 'Finally' part of it makes it seem like there was a time when she was struggling to live. If that's the case, you need to add a line or two representing that time. Also, I would run a spell/grammar check over it. That would definitely help. All in all, I liked the poem, it just wasn't great.

I was going to add my feelings on horseracing but that's off topic and not relevant to the story.

Y'know.. Everyone is saying that they liked this and to my disappoint, I didn't to be honest. The imagery just wasn't enough for me and it didn't work well with the flow, making me feel bored and I couldn't feel the emotion from this.

Also, the structure was not one which I favour - but this is just me being selfish.

You need to proofread your work before you post it to, 'cause I found a number of spelling/grammar mistakes that should;ve been righted before you posted. Sort these out and try to use different words to make the emotions sink deep into the reader and make them feel.

Very good, although I'd expand it a bit. Make it more discriptive!

You used the word 'blur' way to much in this poem. And at the end of the last stanza where you say she dies it happend to abrupty for me. You might have been trying to create the effect that she was dying fast but you said 'And finally she dies.' the word 'finally' made it seem like their was long period of time where she was jsut lying on the ground struggling to survive. But it the poem went to fast, so it seemed akward to me. The last stanza was the alot better then the first one, and very good. The last line was very beutiful.

Wow i think this poem was really good it was soooo sad it was really moving it was really good

it seems like it would work much better as a story cause it doesn't feels like a poem. i think any other suggestions i might have have been said so yeah consider other peoples criticisms it woudl help the poem.

Dreami wrote:No more can be said for a forgotten,
Beloved, but no longer to exist,
Many will forget that moment,
But one will never forget--
A horse who flies across turf,
who thanks that man,
for giving her wings.

Kinda....blunt and unimaginative. I mean, "It ends up in a heap"...? It's hard to see it in the mind's eye because you simply explain it so literally. But I'm not saying it's bad. Because that's not what this site is for and that really doesn't help anybody. Good first line, and touching story over all. You definately show promise, mostly because you're at least working at serious poetry at this age. Try some more imagery, or if that's not your style, at least look more carefully at your choice of words and their placement (diction and syntax).

But I must burst a tiny bubble. Excuse me for being off topic.

I hate horse racing. I love horses, which is why I hate racing. I've been working at a track and you should know that it's really not full of glory and the 'love for racing'. Those horses run because they know that they won't run again for ages. They run because they're flayed by the little man squatting on their back. I'm covered in bruises from grooming, because those horses live inside and never develop a tough hide. This makes being brushed a horrible, tickling, scratching experiance rather than a good one. They're irritable and neurotic, and they bite and kick. And when they die? They're sent off for dog food and nobody cares except for the owner, who's lost a few million. And just for the record, I'm payed with the money from the pockets of those men who come and gamble their family's money. I could go on, but this isn't the place.

It was okay. Pretty well-written, but fix up your spelling. Anyway...it didn't seem very memorable to me, it needs something original.

i agree with matt...(*gasps* sam!). its not really my thing either considering horses happen to be on the list of things i hate. *shrugs* however, it's celar that you like them so i wont talk bad about the horrible beast in your presence...hehe...just kidding.

Good. Not really my thing, but I specifically liked the last two lines of the first stanza and the last lines of the last stanza. Good work.