Prologue:
"Dear Journal, September 15, 2080
Have you ever felt alone? Ever felt as if you were betrayed? I have. I feel that way right now. I'm telling you this,
knowing that you can't talk back, but there must be a way to get my emotions out now, right? I am the only... Survivor. The last... The singular.
,James Motron"
"And that's what he wrote", said a man from across the table.
"Is that so? He believes he's the only one left?", spoke the other, "How did you even recover this?".
"One of our patrolmen. He found it stuck on a thorn branch. Apparently, he was following it; it was flying in the wind. He thought it was quite a rare find.
"We need to find the man who wrote this. Should be nearby where you bought this.", proposed the first man.
"Alright.", agreed the other. They grabbed two small pistols, and opened the rusted door that opened to the room they were in. They set out, for the nearby road, in hopes that they'd find the man who wrote this.
~~~
James was running, against the wind. Away from whatever was following him. Or.... Whoever. He thought that
they were some rabid creatures, left from the blast. He was running, and running, fearing for his life.
He tripped. He tripped on a loose branch, and fell, face-first. His body hit the ground, and was cut across the arm. He was ready to accept fate.
"Don't worry. We're here to help.", a voice told him. The man that the voice belonged to held out a hand. He wasn't sure whether or not to trust this "apparition". Or, maybe it was another person. He was desperate.
He grabbed the hand.
Chapter 1: Savior
The man with the outstretched hand pulled John up. To him, it seemed like all this was a Fantasy. Something he'd only think about, rather than it happening. He thought he was the only one left. But... He wasn't completely sure whether or not he could trust these people.
"Who are you?", James inquired. He glanced at the burly man, that had a scar across his face.
"Adrien Koda", he said. He spoke with a slight accent, although, James couldn't figure what kind of accent it was.
"And my name is, Darin Canil", said the other. He was slightly smaller than Adrien, but it wasn't really noticeable. They were just as menacing, and intimidating as the other. Not noticing, James was slightly shuddering, at the sight of these two men.
"Don't be afraid, we're here to help.", Adrien told him. He noticed James's shaking before he did, "I assume you were the one who wrote this?". He held up a tattered piece of paper.
It was from James's journal. The page was ripped, and when a gusty wind came, it got blown out of the book.
"Yes! Yes, that's mine!", James answered, very joyfully. He grabbed the paper.
"Come with us", Darin told him, reassuringly, "We can get you to safety.".
James was led along the neglected road. It was full of cracks, and had small vermin inches throughout the
small holes found inside it. To either side of them, were abandoned houses, all in tatters after years of not
being tended for.
He recognized this neighborhood, as Spring Falls. It used to be a nice neighborhood, always bustling, with
just a hint of a little crime. After the incident, however, it became much the opposite of what it used to be. Soon, after a few minutes of trekking, they arrived at a fenced area.
Behind it, lay dozens of people, tents, and many makeshift buildings.
"Welcome to your new home.", Darin said. They entered the makeshift civilization.
Heya, DD! Casanova here with a review!
I understand this is several years old, but I decided to take a crack at it anyway. Wish me luck.
The first thing is to break up the prologue into two separate chapters. Evens it out, and make it look better, as well as making it where the reader wants to keep turning the page so to speak.
The next thing is your characters. I feel like James is a bit dull, and I could see you spicing him up just a bit to be of more interest to the reader. How he reacts, what he does, and what he says. Doing this helps the reader relate more to the person, and makes the reader more interested in what your story has to say. Darin, as well, seemed a bit dull. I don't think this has been edited, or if it has you've skipped over things, so I would suggest going back and rereading how you let your characters play along.
The plot as well seemed a bit dry, like it wasn't really going anywhere, but I assume that it's supposed to be a bit of a slow go. I would suggest speeding it up, and letting the ending have a little bit of suspense to it. Something like a cliffhanger to keep me on the edge of my seat and wanting to turn the page so to speak.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one. Hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Casanova
I'd add more, but what I'd say has been said.
Don't stop writing though, you could be brilliant one day.
-Clarity'xo
It's kinda short for it to be a prologue and a chapter all at once, the story also has description, quite a bit actually, and yet, it feels like I'm not sure you understand what I mean but it has description, but then it feels you don't describe enough or maybe not the right things. Regardless, I shall save this on my bookmark because nevertheless my opinion I gave, I am interested. Later
Hey there, DD,
I'm here to take a look at this, like I offered in chat. You said you felt the chapters were too short, so I'll try and focus on ways you can solve that, but I might pick up a couple of other points along the way, too.
Firstly, I'd suggest that you slow down a little, and linger a little longer on the events of your story. There's quite a bit going on here - the finding of a note, setting out to find the writer, James running, falling, and a conversation with the men. This is easily enough to fill a big, long chapter, if you just expand on the events a little more.
Some of this you can do just by adding a little more of the events - that is, have the conversation be a bit less direct (read it aloud to see if it sounds like something people would really say!), or filling us in on those few minutes of trekking before they reach the fenced area. While these bits might seem uninteresting, you can use them to explore interactions between the characters - introduce us to their personalities and how they get on with each other.
The other thing that would be good, and add length, would be to expand the detail of the events a little more. Think about how it would be to be in that situation you're describing; involve all five senses, and tell us a bit about what the characters can see, hear, feel, smell, taste as well as what they're doing and saying. This will help bring the scene to life for the reader, and get them more involved in your story.
That ought to be enough to go on for dealing with the "I think this is too short" issue (although remember, there is no 'right length' for chapters other than the length you want them to be). Now, a couple of other comments...
Regarding your prologue. I find that a lot of people give their stories prologues, when they don't really need them. It's important to ask yourself first, "Do I need this?" - which in this case, I think you do, and second, "Could I just call this Chapter One?" - which I think you probably could. If I were writing rules, I'd say that prologues ought to be notably separate from the rest of the story - an earlier time, perhaps, or from a different point of view, or (in science fiction, particularly) imparting some important background to the setting.
Finally, on 'said words'. You've got a lot of 'said replacements' in this piece - that's things like 'inquired', 'answered', 'spoke', 'agreed'. It seems to be a thing that English teachers spend a lot of time teaching people that they should use these, because "said is boring". The thing is, because 'said' is boring, it falls into the background while you're reading, and you can focus on the important things like what is actually being said, whereas said replacements tend to jump out of the page and distract you from the story. In general, I think it's best to mostly stick with 'said' and 'asked', to keep your reader immersed.
I think that's about all I have to say - hope it was helpful! If you've got any questions, feel free to send me a message, or come catch me in chat. Similarly, if you'd like me to do a spelling-and-grammar check through this.
Happy writing!
Cadi x
Thank you! I really appreciate it. I will take a look at my story, and edit it, as necessary.
Also, I think I have an idea for the Prologue.
Hey there ddman18!
Now I feel that this chapter is too short. In fact, both the prologue and chapter 1 could have been combined to form a single chapter. I think that the progression here is too fast too. The first conversation between the two men could have gone on for much longer, so was the part which James was running from whatever he thought was chasing him. And then, he just tripped over a branch and fell flat on his face? It's not very realistic. Instead, maybe say that there was a large hole in the ground or a large rock which he didn't notice.
James thought he was the only one left right? What happened? Why did he think he was alone? Did something happen, was there a natural disaster or something? More background info is needed here. Also James seemed too trusting of the men, especially when he said in the journal that he felt betrayed. Would he easily trust two complete strangers who just told him to follow them?
Overall I think you need to work on this piece a lot more. Elaborate on the parts that I mentioned and re read it. This piece can be much better improved.
Sorry if I sounded harsh
No, not harsh at all! I'm glad to receive some feedback. I'll think about it, more, and maybe I'll edit it.